Every year droves of young hopefuls step into their cars and drive to the big city to try and make it in stand-up comedy. Some are amazing, and some totally stink. Here is a list of our favorite stand-up comedians that need to CLEAN UP THEIR ACT.
Perhaps best known for the biting bit where he impersonates famous memes with a Scottish accent, producers everywhere speak of Henry’s boyish charm, silly impressions, and terrible stench. “Whenever Goldberg comes to town,” says the booker of the iconic Comedy Spot, “we prepare ourselves for sidesplitting laugher, crazy antics, and roping off the first two rows of seats so as to not offend our customers.”
People say of Scott, former writer for The Onion, “you are what you write for,” because her breath always smells like onions. “I couldn’t tell if I was crying because she was so funny or because her breath was so bad. Either way, tears achieved!” said mega agent Charlie Charleson. Catch her hilarious Instagram account “Texts from my Dad, who died 5 years ago by Drowning” with great posts such as: “gurgle gurgle” “dad?!”
Malichi Monroe first rose to prominence with appearances on MTV’s, Stoner Teens Pregnant with Love… and Actual Babies and it’s follow up Where’d I Leave My Baby?! Most recently he was the host of hit Oxygen show, Funny Cats and Funny Kat exploring the rise of cat memes against the decline of Katherine Heigl’s career. A deeply superstitious man, Malichi hasn’t washed his jeans since his first Cheerios commercial in 2001.
Twitter-famous Sharon is known for her acerbic one liners and equally acerbic feet. Being a self proclaimed “silly social justice soldier” with a pro-environment tilt means that she’s the only comic in town that walks to all her gigs… wearing the same pair of TOMS. During her gigs the audience often chants her now famous catchphrase, “I’ll change my shoes… when we change our CO2 emissions!“ This girl’s carbon footprint smells real bad.
Marty and his ‘pets
Marty Masterson is famous for satirically skewering modern day race relations with his band of multi-colored puppets. Some call him brilliant… others call him blatantly racist… but all agree he smells really, really bad. Once he rose to fame on CBS’s Is there Anyone with Talent Left Who We Haven’t Put on TV?! he vowed to never wash his puppet hand again. Two bouts of gangrene later, we hope he recovers quickly and the smell subsides. As his famous puppet Black Betty regularly says to his other puppets Marty Mexican and Chinaman, “Y’all stink! We shower here!”
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!