Oh boy, how about this election?

Democrats are choosing between an old man dividing a check at the deli and a female Nielsen ratings box. Across the aisle, Republicans are trying to pick the least disturbing Horseman of the Apocalypse (personally, my fingers are crossed for Famine!) Americans just aren’t getting along, which is why we should introduce new legislation everyone can agree on to get the ball rolling in the right direction. Including…

Resolution That Golf Carts Would Be Cooler If They Could Also Float In Lakes

It costs nothing and lets us all remember what it means to be an American. We’re the men and women who created Pimp My Ride. We are the fine folks who take something awesome and dare to make it even more outlandish.

Motion Banning People From Doing That Idiotic Lisp When They Say ‘Barcelona’ or ‘Ibiza’

I imagine this is more of a blue state problem, but a problem nonetheless. Anyone who does this will have to speak with a lisp full time.

Proposal For Fixed Price After First 2 Mix-Ins

For, what is America if not the great salad and/or pasta bar of the world? Let the flavors co-exist at a fair price!

Bill Ending Commentary On The Interchangeability Of The Words Pop, Cola & Soda

They’re all correct! Furthermore, it will be illegal to spend more than 15 seconds making small talk about which terms people grew up with. The punishment will be no dessert and a fine of at least $300.

Proposal For Annual U.S. Yearbook

Now, this is just brilliant. It’s like a cooler version of the census, but it also creates jobs for graphic designers. Obviously, you have to pay for a physical copy and you only get to put in a quote on your 47th birthday.

Bill To End Donald Trump’s Campaign

Actually, this is something pretty much every American agrees on.


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!