Trump Colluded With Canadian Foreign Nationalist My Cousin Owen
By
July 5, 2017

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I have proof that Trump received political contributions from foreign nationals, specifically, my cousin Owen. 

On June 20th, 2017, my cousin Owen woke up at 11 a.m., showered, grabbed a slice of pizza from Ray’s Pizza, bought a Snoopy shirt from Uniqlo, and destroyed America’s sovereignty.  

I can confirm that the interaction occurred at 3:26 p.m. in the gift shop of Trump Towers, the only store in Manhattan to sell official Trump merchandise. 

Owen was informed by the Political-Campaign Worker/Shopkeeper that he couldn’t purchase a Make America Great hat with a foreign credit card. Most of the price of the hat was a donation to the Trump campaign. 

The Federal Elections Commission website says: 

The Federal Election Campaign Act (FECA) prohibits any foreign national from contributing, donating or spending funds in connection with any federal, state, or local election in the United States, either directly or indirectly.  It is also unlawful to help foreign nationals violate that ban or to solicit, receive or accept contributions or donations from them.  Persons who knowingly and willfully engage in these activities may be subject to fines and/or imprisonment.

Owen winked at the worker and paid with cash. Thirty American dollars. Expensive for a dollar-store quality hat, but worth it for Owen to be able to control a major world power. 

Anyone who donates to a political candidate must fill out a form to prove that they live on American soil. In the name slot, Owen wrote Abraham Eggster. His address: 406 Washington St., New York, NY 11492. Phone number: (486) 074-1776. Email address: Applepie81@aol.com. Occupation: Hamburger Maker.

If Trump is accepting money from Canada, imagine who else may have infiltrated his reign: Australia. Spain. Croatia. Shakira. Namibia. Sweden. Iraq. Norway. The Gangnam Style guy. Mozambique, Turkey. One Direction. Kuwait. Mr. Bean. Chile. Nigeria. Serbia. 

I can confirm that when I was seven, I performed a mayonnaise wet willy to Owen ear. The day after, Owen ‘stashed me while I was sleeping. To ‘stash someone, you draw a handlebar mustache upon his or her face with a sharpie. I told Owen I would get revenge. He figured I’d just ‘brow him.

Think of all the awful things that has infiltrated American society from Canada already: Maple syrup. Fake Jamaican rappers. Hockey. Polar bears. Ted Hortons. Freddy Got Fingered. Justin Bieber. Apologizing. Alpha Flight. Celine Dion. Avril Lavigne. Nickelback. Mooses. Poutine. Alanis Morissette. Winter.

For police use: Owen’s address—Owen Stevens, 1015 Clear St. Ottawa, ON K1084. Owen works until 5 p.m. on weekdays, but should be home soon after.

Hope you have fun in jail, Owen. Gotcha back.

 
 
 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 


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