‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the rec room,
Not a creature was stirring the pot brownie batter, not even Sasha, even though it was her turn, Sasha;
The stockings were mismatched and dirty,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
The grad school drop outs were nestled all snug in their futons;
While visions of sugar-plums, cookies, pizza, candy, pad Thai, sandwiches, pasta, more pizza, zucchini bread, pizza danced in their heads;
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my chill rasta cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long long long looooong winter’s nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I begrudgingly fell out of my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I forgot what I came there for,
Tore open the shutters and hid my stash.
The moon shining through the cloud of the new puffed smoke,
Gave a luster of midday to stoners below,
When what to my red watery eyes did appear,
But a miniature sleigh and baked tiny rein-deer,
With a little old hippie so lit and chill,
I knew in a few moments or hours he must be St. Nick.
More reefer than the Eagles with his seven food coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called all the strains by name:
“On, Stoner! On, Reefer! I’m On Prancer and Vixen! On, Comet! on, Cupid! on, Donner and Blitzen!
The beard on his chin was starting to develop dreads;
The stump of a hash pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad red face and a little round pot belly
That shook when he laughed, which he did a lot, like a bowl full of jelly.
And I laughed when I saw him…
I was laughing a lot that night;
A wink of his eye and another slow blink, and another wink,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
He said, “Are you a cop? Because you have to tell me if you’re a cop”
Then he sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like a green budded thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight—
“A Merry Chillmas to all! And to all a good night!”

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!