Hello friends, family and haters. A lot of people said I could never be valedictorian of the class of 2013, specifically my mailman David, which feels strange to me. It doesn’t seem like that would be in his realm of concern and yet, it was. Every day we would meet at my mailbox at 4 p.m. and he would say, “Hey Sean, here’s some bills for your parents and just so you know, you will never be valedictorian. Give up.” So I dedicate this speech to you, David. You were wrong.

Also Kenneth, the cater waiter at my sister’s Bat Mitzvah. This too seems like a notion that wouldn’t resonate so strongly with someone who is pretty close to a stranger and yet, Kenneth was adamant. Every few minutes he would bring around another tasty appetizer and say, “Shalom Sean, care for a mini chicken kabob? I was doing some thinking and I am confident you will never be valedictorian. Eat a dick.” So here’s a big eff you to Kenneth. With all due respect, you can shove that mini chicken kabob straight up your dick hole.

And Meredith Baker, the receptionist at my orthodontist’s office. “Hey Sean,” she would say, “Dr. Stein will be with you momentarily. In the meantime, mull over the fact that you will never be valedictorian of the class of 2013, or any other class for that matter. I hope your wisdom teeth come in strong and fast.” Well Meredith, looks like the only thing coming in strong and fast is my fist into the computer where you make all of Dr. Stein’s appointments. I hope the office is in a state of mayhem as no one will be able to schedule a retainer fitting and it will be all your fault.

Another hater coming to mind is Bradley Cooper. I spotted him at my local Trader Joe’s a few months back. We were both reaching for the same organic waffles when we looked at each other and laughed. Then his piercing blue eyes iced over and he growled, “You know you will never be valedictorian, right?” WRONG, Bradley Stupid Cooper. Maybe if you weren’t so damn hungover all the time you would have been valedictorian. It could have been you up here!!!

Finally, I would like to thank my family and friends for believing in me. Let’s get out there and change the world, class of 2013!!!



The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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