Vampire Dating Advice Column
By
October 9, 2017

Dear Dr. Love,

I have been dating a vampire for a little over a month, and he always wants to hurry through our evenings together and get to, you know, the end.
 
For instance, our last date was supposed to be getting dinner and going to a movie, but he cancelled both and just invited me to his castle where he quickly moved in for my neck.
 
I’m starting to think he doesn’t really want to get to know me.
 
Yours Truly,
Worried This Isn’t Serious 
 
 
Dear Worried This Isn’t Serious:
 
Girl, he just wants to suck your blood! Dump this loser PRONTO! He’s just using you for the red stuff he craves and that’s that.
 
–Dr. Love

 
 
* * * * *
 
 
Dear Dr. Love,
 
I really want to try this new garlic-themed restaurant with my boyfriend, a vampire. But, he doesn’t want to go. He keeps saying that the place “scares” him.
 
In the past, I feel like we always do what he wants to do, so is he just making this up, or is he really scared of a restaurant?
 
Signed,
Confused And Hungry
 
 
Dear Confused And Hungry:
 
I think your boyfriend is not trying to avoid doing something you want to do. Historically, vampires are afraid of garlic, so this certainly makes sense.
 
My recommendation is to make a compromise on a new restaurant you both want to try. But, if it’s Italian, don’t order the garlic bread!
 
–Dr. Love
 
 
* * * * *
 
 
Dear Dr. Love:
 
My boyfriend Count Dracula and I have been enjoying a great love life, but recently he asked me if I’d want to have a three-way with his friend The Wolfman.
 
First of all, I really don’t think I want to have a three-way, as I am not truly comfortable with it. But, I do care about Dracula and want to make him happy.
 
Second, is my boyfriend Dracula gay or bisexual for wanting to add a male to the mix? Shouldn’t I be fully aware of his sexuality so I can think about whether or not that type of partner is right for me?
 
Third, and this is admittedly a smaller thing, because a potential tryst involves The Wolfman, I have to keep my nights free on all full moons in the near future. It’s kind of a decent-sized demand for my schedule.
 
Sincerely,
Concerned GF
 
 
Dear Concerned GF:
 
These are some tricky issues, Concerned GF. I don’t know if Dracula is gay or bicurious or thinks bringing in The Wolfman would benefit you. But, the main thing is that you need to talk to him openly and honestly about your concerns here. Even if it results in a fight or a break-up, it’s best that these concerns you have are discussed now, rather than later.
 
And, should you decide to go along with your bf’s idea, as for The Wolfman’s scheduling issues, it only seems reasonable — he is a werewolf. I would drop this concern.
 
— Dr. Love

 

 

 

 
 

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