Breakfast: A banana curated by Rodalto, the lead fruit expert at Whole Foods (Pasadena) plus a lightly roasted bean of coffee

Lunch: Several grains of rice and the promise of tomorrow

Dinner: Feasted on a compliment bestowed upon me by my friend Thorn Bush


Breakfast: Orange juice freshly squeezed by the hands of Thorn Bush’s brother Alan 

Lunch: A BLT sans the B and T, so essentially lettuce followed by a piece of flax seed flavored gum which was actually just a stick I found in the park

Dinner: Three stems of asparagus with a chilled glass of snow from the Swiss Alps


Breakfast: A handful of raspberries washed down by my tears of joy from discovering a new bloom on my succulent

Lunch: A chicken pot pie jk an avocado rind

Dinner: A bell pepper dusted with the dirt from the ground in which it grew plus a table spoon of vanilla extract for dessert


Breakfast: Almond milk and regret

Lunch: The air I breathed out during a particularly meaningful meditation sesh

Dinner: A cauliflower flouret doused in what I believed to be Himalayan sea salt but was actually cocaine that Thorn Bush’s brother Alan accidentally left behind


Breakfast: The black ash I scraped off a piece of burnt whole wheat toast

Lunch: Ingested the guilt my friend Samantha felt after consuming a medium rare T-bone

Dinner: A salad consisting of one piece of exotic kale doused in the salt from my tears upon discovering the death of my succulent


Breakfast: Six rainbow sprinkles, five yellow, one green (loaded with vitamins)

Lunch: A twenty eight dollar smoothie which I later ended up throwing in Samantha’s disgusting, guilt ridden face

Dinner: Allowed the wistfulness in my yoga teacher’s eyes to nourish me


Breakfast: The shell of a pistachio and the thought of an oatmeal cookie

Lunch: A grilled cheese sandwich in which I substituted flax seeds for the cheese and two dandelion heads for the bread

Dinner: Tofu and a breath mint


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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