Breakfast: One piece of shaved almond skin soaked in a teaspoon of sunlight.
Lunch: A medium wedge of soy cheese sandwiched between two pieces of freshly picked lavender.
Dinner: Several cubes of tofu sprinkled over a bed of warm kale washed down with a glass of vegan Sprite (water).
Breakfast: A bowl of granola blessed by the village shaman (Ted, the manager at my local Whole Foods).
Lunch: Raw piece of fakon with a side of crushed ice.
Dinner: The sweat that dripped off my body during an intense and invigorating yoga sesh.
Breakfast: Dried cranberries. Note: These cranberries have been drying since Thanksgiving ’74.
Lunch: A cup of carrot bisque that doubles as a moisturizing facemask.
Dinner: A bottle of pure, Colorado air.
Breakfast: Mixed berry smoothie with a secret ingredient of rubber glue (Cleanses the colon, allegedly. Fingers crossed).
Lunch: An entire tofurkey.
Dinner: Seasoning medley. This consists of salt, pepper, paprika and cinnamon.
Breakfast: A half of a hollowed out grapefruit.
Lunch: Several pieces of bark from the gorgeous maple tree in my yard.
Dinner: Steak and mashed potatoes jk a cold water chestnut.
Breakfast: Two grapes sans skin.
Lunch: Two pieces of grape skin.
Dinner: Energy bar in flaxseed flavor.
Breakfast: Watched my friend Neptune chow down on some chocolate chip pancakes. Delish.
Lunch: Edamame and several ears of corn.
Dinner: Nothing, stuffed from emotionally ingesting Neptune’s pancakes.
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!