Breakfast: One piece of shaved almond skin soaked in a teaspoon of sunlight.

Lunch: A medium wedge of soy cheese sandwiched between two pieces of freshly picked lavender.

Dinner: Several cubes of tofu sprinkled over a bed of warm kale washed down with a glass of vegan Sprite (water).


Breakfast: A bowl of granola blessed by the village shaman (Ted, the manager at my local Whole Foods).

Lunch: Raw piece of fakon with a side of crushed ice.

Dinner: The sweat that dripped off my body during an intense and invigorating yoga sesh.


Breakfast: Dried cranberries. Note: These cranberries have been drying since Thanksgiving ’74.

Lunch: A cup of carrot bisque that doubles as a moisturizing facemask.

Dinner: A bottle of pure, Colorado air.


Breakfast: Mixed berry smoothie with a secret ingredient of rubber glue (Cleanses the colon, allegedly. Fingers crossed).

Lunch: An entire tofurkey.

Dinner: Seasoning medley. This consists of salt, pepper, paprika and cinnamon.


Breakfast: A half of a hollowed out grapefruit.

Lunch: Several pieces of bark from the gorgeous maple tree in my yard.

Dinner: Steak and mashed potatoes jk a cold water chestnut.


Breakfast: Two grapes sans skin.

Lunch: Two pieces of grape skin.

Dinner: Energy bar in flaxseed flavor.


Breakfast: Watched my friend Neptune chow down on some chocolate chip pancakes. Delish.

Lunch: Edamame and several ears of corn.

Dinner: Nothing, stuffed from emotionally ingesting Neptune’s pancakes.



The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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