I am immigrant and, boy, am I proud of it! Growing up, I voraciously read Archie comics and Richie Rich comics and saw the pictures of Hostess Twinkies in the back and longed to eat them but my mother said, not so fast! You must work hard for everything in life. Twinky will turn to hay in mouth if you are not worthy of it. My mother just like God to me so I worked and worked at my vocabulary and my math and, you know, my dream came true and I landed in America.

First year, I lived in apartment with ten people. Slept on mattress found on sidewalk. Second year, I lived in apartment with ten people. Did only one phone call home, my mother asking me if I’m wearing my warm hat and if I’m topper in my class and when I’m getting job.

Third year, I got job. Then I got married, had exact two kids, and a good life. I have money in bank. You know my secret? I save money. Some people only talk about saving money but I? I know that is the key to a good life. Don’t think I save for the money. After all, can you take your money with you to the next world? It’s true what you heard about people from my country: we are highly spiritual and are always thinking about our souls. No. I save money for the pure and noble glow of it. And now, when the economy is up and down, I want to share my most original methods of saving along with their glow points. Rest assured, all are tried and tested by me, who has money in the bank. So enjoy!

1. When eating out, never order drinks. Sometimes you have to go out to eat –children complaining, friends visiting. Go out proudly but do not be bludgeoned into obedience by scornful eye of waiter. It is battle of wits between him and you and You. Shall. Win! When he comes around, smiling craftily, to take drinks order, just say politely, waters all around. Children will clamor but they are your blood and will one day understand. Glow Points: 5!

2. Also when eating out, order dishes strategically. Stare hard at arrogant waiter, who does not have money in bank, and grill him on all items on the menu. It is his job, damn it! How big exactly is the tomato and mozzarella flatbread appetizer? Can four people share it? Are there lunch portions and if not, why not? If you are a small person, it’s possible to order only an appetizer for yourself. If you’re really small, it’s possible to not order for yourself at all and eat children’s leftovers. Children always leave over. For example, they will leave most of the crust of pizza. Calmly wait for them to finish and eat their crusts. Glow Points: 8!

3. Re-use plastic utensils. Companies are foolish and make them durable to make themselves look good. Why should you throw? If you like you can even bring home utensils you use in restaurants, your workplace, etc. To be successful with this you will need to develop a thick skin and ignore anyone who looks at you sneeringly when you are washing your spoon and placing it in your pocket. They aren’t the ones who will have money in the bank! Glow Points: 4!

4. Re-wear your clothes. If you are finicky sort, you may shudder at this initially but think! People heedlessly drop clothes in wash after hours of wearing. Say life of garment is one year, less if you’re buying very cheap in which case you already know thing or two. If you skip every other wash, you extend life to two years just like that! You save money on detergent and electricity and time you can spend quietly reading or thinking spiritually. Fine, pursue in steps if you like. Begin by postponing the wash for your outerwear and proceed slowly to your underwear as you get more immune. Glow Points: Various!

5. Run. Everyone knows about the benefits of exercise and running is free! Think of the medical bills you will save. If you are like me, running won’t come naturally. You are vegetarian all your life, you have skinny calves, and your knees bend sideways when you run. People look behind you to see if you are being chased, because of how you run and also because, you didn’t buy workout gear, did you? All workout gear is a scam. If you are running you will smell bad no matter what you are wearing. So just get up and run! Glow Points: 9!

Hey, no mention for thanks. And yo, be cool, bro! Always wanted to say that. 

 

 

The Higgs Weldon is an online humor magazine with funny articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was founded in the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!