We Need to Talk About Zika for Like 10 Seconds
By
April 28, 2016

Hey it’s Ebola, and we need to talk about Zika for a moment. This virus shows up out of nowhere like a Beyoncé track, and suddenly no one cares about anything else. Not seasonal Influenza, not Measles, sure as hell not Rubella. This isn’t me just throwing shade, respect to Zika, but we are all still out there doing our thing. Here’s why you all need to remember the true OGs of the infectious disease game.

Oh So Now You Want a Shot…

People, last year you ruined Disneyland with your basic anti-vaccine nonsense. No big deal. Rashes go away, right? But the autism lasts forever? The flu shot gives you the flu? These were all the excuses you carted out. Well, Zika comes along and suddenly you all thirsty AF for a vaccine?

Location Location Location…

Look, I’m not some no-name disease. I’m Ebola. I tore up West Africa last year.  My boy, Lassa virus, is on tour in Nigeria and Benin RIGHT NOW. But we get it, those aren’t spring break locations. Zika might attend the Olympics and your cousin’s destination wedding in Honduras, and NOW you aren’t having it?

You Wanna Sex Me Up…

Zika gets transmitted to one person sexually, and suddenly you want all the contraception. Gonorrhea and Chlamydia were always upfront about their sex lives. You know how they spread, and they stood up to the shaming proudly while you judged them. But you all would never take a disease that spreads like that seriously. 

A Young Disease’s Game…

People, this isn’t about me being bitter. 2015 was Ebola’s year. Imma let Zika have 2016, but remember we all didn’t go away. Influenza is still performing year after year like Taylor; HIV exploded in the 80s and is still going strong like Madonna; and Norovirus just locked in an exclusive deal with Chipotle. These diseases are true geniuses. 

But The Children…

Look, Influenza slayed last year, and no one even talks about her. 141 kids in 122 US cities… But you all don’t want to talk about that.

Squad Up…

We’re not jealous. We know Zika is here for real. We respect her drive and ambition. But you all can’t forget those that came before her and are still finding new ways to practice their craft. Us infectious diseases need to stick together. If we can unite, we can get the same rights and opportunities that, say, heart disease and diabetes get. That’s what we deserve. So don’t replace with the next young thing, or it could be deadly. WHO run the world?

 

 
 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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