Greetings, recruits. My name is Alistair Graham-Metzger, and I am the leader of the ‘Unluminati.’

Oh, and just so we’re on the same page here – this is not the ‘Illuminati.’ I can’t stress that enough. I should explain: Centuries ago in modern day Germany, a shadowy cabal began under the penumbra of the European Enlightenment era. They convened in secret to undermine society and ultimately dominate the world. They culled their ranks from the best and brightest of Bavarian culture.

Our leader, Joseph Branholz, was not one of those people. And look, maybe he wasn’t the sharpest scythe in the meadow, but he was definitely smarter than average and a great leader and all that. Anyway, he wanted to join the Illuminati but he was repeatedly turned down by their founder Adam Weishaupt, so he decided to start his own underground cabal – one that would also seek to create a new world order, but one that didn’t include snobby jerks like Weishaupt and all of those other quote-unquote ‘raging narcissists.’

And since then, the Unluminati have thrived. We’ve created chapters all over the world, where we work together to change the course of the world to our liking, and we won’t stop at anything to get the job done. Maybe you’ve heard whisperings of our exploits? If you haven’t, it’s because we’re so good at keeping secrets. I mean, those other guys? Jeez, with every Dan Brown book and History Channel show it’s like, come on, can’t somebody in the stupid Illuminati keep their mouths shut? No, it’s not because no one cares. Okay? End of discussion.

But I digress. What are these conspiracies that we are responsible for? Here’s a doozy: Perhaps you’ve heard of an American conspiracy theory about the moon? Yes, that’s right. In the 1960s the Unluminati started the rumor that the moon was made of cheese. Every fourth grader would believe that maybe one day he could take a big bite out of the planet, but, alas, it was untrue.

But that’s just pittance compared to some of our other exploits. How deep does our influence run? Presidential assassination deep. That’s right. No, we didn’t kill JFK, but we were the ones who convinced William Henry Harrison to not wear a coat that notoriously cold winter day. Fiendish, I know.

New Coke. The XFL. Mind of Mencia.

That’s all us.

Yes, we’ve been doing great. We’ve even started small sister organizations on college campuses. ‘Skull and Bones?’ No, that’s the Illuminati again, at Harvard. Ours is called ‘Head and Limbs,’ and members meet in secret at the north field house at Arizona State University. Go Cats!

And now you too have been recruited from the highest ranks of modern society. You are the finest individuals taken from the realms of Disney cruises, social media internships, and safety schools and you have the ability to be even better than those arrogant Illuminati jackasses ever were.

Look, I’ll admit it – we’re not quite as legendary as the Illuminati, but I just hate it how they think they’re so great just because they’ve been more “influential” than us. I mean, please. The way I see it, they’re like the Yankees and we’re like the Mets. They have all the money and the history so they win all the time, but we’re a scrappy crew who once in a while can pull off some magic. Oh, that reminds me of our other major exploit this year – rigging the World Series…

…of Poker.

Your goal as a member of the Unluminati will be clear: to try and control modern society with any method you can. Also, as a subgoal – we need some people to figure out how those Illuminati guys keep prank calling us. We’ve spent like $40 on *69 and it hasn’t worked once. So if anyone has any experience with telephone stuff that would be amazing.

And now, I shall read the initiation rites… which… I have left in my apartment. Shit, I always do this. Uhhh, okay, okay. I remember a little bit of it, so maybe I can just give you guys the gist of it and that’ll be okay for now. Let’s see, something something, create a world new order and… stop those douchebags in the Illuminati who think they’re so great but they really even aren’t that great… blah blah blah, how we should punch their dumb sly faces in yadda yadda yadda.

Okay, that’s a good start. I know you guys are gonna be great. Oh, excuse me one second – that’s my phone. Yes. This is he. No, there’s no one here by the name of Mike Hun… Oh real mature, you guys.