We’re Pregnant!
By
March 1, 2017

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Family and Friends,

We’re pregnant! And it’s not just a term of endearment; Rod and I have literally decided to go through every step of this magical journey together. After reading Gwyn’s new audiobook, “Conscious Co-fetusing,” we knew it was the right choice for us. We hope you’ll follow our journey here!

January 12, 2018

Rod and I have both been taking prenatals and eating super healthy. We’re not telling co-workers for another couple weeks, so the other day Rod had to fake drink at his company happy hour. LOL. Sylvia and Carl are also Co-Fetusing and HUGE fans the book! They gush about how close it has brought the three of them. We are beyond excited!

January 26, 2018

It’s official! Dr. Shuster confirmed the heartbeat today! We were both really emotional. The hormones are definitely kicking in! Rod sobbed for 20 minutes while I quietly held him. He said it was out of joy, but later I overheard him talking to Carl about how he was scared he’d never get his old P90X body back.

February 9, 2018

Dr. Shuster says my weight and vitals are great! Rod’s blood pressure technically classifies him as a “high risk,” so per the doctor and Gwyn’s recommendations he’s given up shellfish, unpasteurized cheese, deli meat, GMO’s, caffeine, alcohol, watching high impact sports, swear words, sugar and Coldplay. Which is too bad because it was one of Rod’s favorite bands.

February 11, 2018

The first trimester is over, hallelujah. It was a rough three months, especially for Rod. It took some time adjusting to his new, muliebrous body as well as the 60 ml of ipecac in his coffee each morning. Morning sickness can be a horrible thing.

March 16, 2018

We got our official Goop “DaddyBelly “in the mail today! Rod’s new utero holds up to 20 lbs. of hot “baby” water and simulates authentic, scissor sharp contraction pains using 40 volts electric current. Rod’s started breaking it in around the house, but is still a little self conscious of how it looks under his work shirts.

May 5, 2018

We’re officially 6 months today and doing great! A woman in Whole Foods told Rod he was glowing.  He smiled, but later snapped that he’s just sweaty because of DaddyBelly’s non-adjustable, internal heater. I keep reminding him he looks beautiful!

We had some trouble tracking down Big & Tall maternity clothes for Rod, but have since discovered mumus can be found in men’s maternity sizes at Lane Bryant, the Dress Barn and almost any Wal-Mart store in the Midwest.

June 14, 2018

32 weeks! Right now our fetus is the size of a jicama. Rod named his Jasper. I’m still on the fence about names. We ran into Sylvia and Carl at prenatal yoga yesterday. Carl is wearing his DaddyBelly bump VERY well. He goes for 6 mile runs daily and says he’s feeling great! Rod’s trying to insert the same chipperness into each day as Carl, but the contraction shocks are inflaming an old basketball injury to his sciatic.

June 29, 2018

Only 6 weeks left! Rod’s really looking forward to transitioning to his post pregnancy bodysuit once the baby is born. It’s 30 lbs. lighter,has engorged faux breasts can hold up to a gallon of real milk. He says it’s because it will take the weight off his back, but I think he’s secretly excited to have boobs. ;)

July 6, 2018

The last week has been incredibly taxing. DaddyBelly is now siphoning off 40% of Rod’s protein so he’s constantly ravenous. The other day in infant CPR he animalistically ate the fake French fry “lodged” in the baby mannequin’s throat. Everyone pretended not to notice, but then he started to choke on it. Carl saved the day by executing a textbook perfect Heimlich. It was beautiful and terrifying.

Jul 8, 2018

Rod has been questioning if co-fetusing has real scientific merit or is just another pretentious “Gwyenthism.”  Carl recommended we watch Michael Apted’s new documentary, “Fetushood,” in which he uses brain scans to ask 12 fetuses poignant questions over the course of 9 months. Carl said it’s life changing.

Jul 13, 2018

8 months! The hormones are taking us both for quite a ride. Sometimes when Adele comes on we both just sit in the car and cry. Rod’s been feeling vulnerable and unattractive lately so I surprised him with a spa day at John Allan’s, Carl’s idea!

July 20, 2018

Rod’s baby shower is coming up! He said he didn’t want one, so Carl is planning it as a surprise.  Also, beginning next week Rod will be on bed rest, so this will be a great way for him to see his friends “one last time.” One of Rod’s Japanese clients, will be in town on business and has volunteered to organize the games, which he described as “Baby Tetris” and “Man eats baby food in a dryer,” –LOL. Rod’s been really despondent lately so I hope this cheers him up!

July 23, 2018

Little Jasper’s almost here and we’re so excited to meet him! Our to-go bags are all packed and our doulas on speed dial!  Rod was hoping for a water birth, but Dr. Shuster recommended against it due to the extreme voltage of the labor simulation. And once BabbyDaddy starts contractions there’s really no way to turn that thing off. LOL.

August 1, 2018

Oh my god. Rod tried to rip off BabyDaddy today in a frenzy. It was terrifying. He got this strange look in his eye and started shrieking, “Get it off of me! Get it off of me!” like it was the life-sucking slug from the upside down. I was finally able to calm him down with the haloperidol shot Dr. Shuster secretly gave me at the last check up.

August 19, 2018

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August 23, 2018

Thank you all for your compassionate, kind words. Ever since the birth I can’t quite look at Rod the same. The mental image of him hurling BabyDaddy against the wall again, and again, haunts me. He says he blacked out, but some things you can never take back. In a day or two he’s going to Bellevue for a “time out.” Dr. Shuster says it’s for the best. Carl volunteered to move in for a couple of weeks to help with the baby. I’ve been finding solace in his unwavering strength and comforting words.

In other news, Carl’s already back to his pre-baby weight. Can you believe it?

 

 
 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 


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