Before I mastered the art of the game, I was like you: lost. Drowning in issues of Maxim, eating Carl’s Jr. three times a day (plus fourthmeal), and going to the gym to work on carving out my V. I wasn’t seeing results. Every Friday night ended the same: jerking off with whiskey dick. And like you, I didn’t think, “it gets better.” Well I am here to tell you, it does. All it takes to become a master pickup artist is knowledge of the game and spending a lot of money that you don’t have.

“Eli, how can I spend money that I don’t have? I have a degree in [boring]. Making more than $30k a year is out of the question.” First off, my name isn’t Eli when I’m playing the game, its Holiday (more on this later). Secondly, get approved for as many credit cards as you can. This is what debt was made for. With all the advancements in technology (aka Photoshop), you can now show a girl any credit score you want. You know the expensive clothes you see in the style section of Men’s Health? BUY ALL OF IT! Max out those cards and pay the minimum balance on only one, maybe two. In theory, you should have seven or eight credit cards, but I’ll keep it conservative and say you got approved for six. Why is this important? Jumping ahead, if when you are in bed with a beautiful woman getting to the sex, she will stop at some point and ask, “what’s your credit score?” Unlike all the other deer out there that are going to be caught in headlights, pull out the piece of paper you have in your pocket with your credit score on it and stop this train right in its tracks. That’s right: CARRY YOUR CREDIT SCORE ON YOU AT ALL TIMES. Most guys don’t do this because they are scared to just put their business out there. They usually just stick to tweeting about how their day went, or taking pics of their food or talking about sports. One-up everybody. Show that you aren’t ashamed of putting your business out there and sticking it in someone’s face. Women will see this and say, “OMG DTF?” Don’t say yes just yet, we’ve got a few more things to cover.

The last thing you need to do, with the remaining sixty bucks of your credit line, is the easiest pick-up of your career: pick-up copies of The Mystery Method and The Pickup Artist. These books are going to be your bibles. What you are reading from me is an amateur passage. I’m only doing this to encourage you to get out there and really take advantage of women, since all those “considerate” suckers out there think nice guys finish first (excuse me for saying this, but LOL). Now, stop reading this, go read both books cover to cover and put on your fresh new threads. Done? Okay great, so here we go. Let’s break down the four core concepts of the pick-up and get these so-called “feminists” (for the purpose of this article, every woman is a feminist) into your bed.

1. Feign Lack of Interest

This sounds easy, but it’s actually really hard. You want to be genuinely uninterested in what a woman has to say when you first strike up a convo. You are naturally going to want to ask questions – stuff like “what’s your name?” etc. Be careful. She’ll sense you want to be in a relationship and bail. Last thing any woman wants is the feeling of being wanted. I know this sounds really confusing, but women are the toughest code to crack. I wish it was as easy as punching in a coded number and then sexfuckintercourse, but it’s not.

So let’s say a feminist is at a bar, drinking a vodkacran. You make eye contact, do you:

a. Smile, see if she smiles back b. Ask her if she got dat superb ass? c. Offer to buy her a drink (double-fisting it) d. Panic! Leave! Go home and imagine what would have happened if you knew what you were doing e. None of the above

The correct answer is E. Don’t smile back. It means you’re interested. If you thought B, C, or D was logical, go back and read both books cover to cover again. In fact, go ahead and do that anyway. Okay, done? You should then know that all you have to do is slowly turn your head back to your drink and let her do the rest. At this point, she is going to approach you and say something witty like “I double-majored in psychology and sociology, but it was just so I could get more life experience at a liberal arts college.” This is where you get the chance to practice the art of Negging.

Negging could be read as an insult, but it’s really a compliment wrapped in an insult wrapped in an enigma. In other words, she should have no clue what the hell your next move is. She’s expecting a compliment, but you should meet her halfway. So if she has nice bangs, this would be an example of a good neg:

“You have nice bangs. Too bad I can’t see your eyes. Can you even see me under there, Cousin It?”

BOOM! She should initially recoil, but then immediately follow it up with needing a wet floor sign because biology is going to kick in and say “get this guy on my bed, clothes off, ASAP!”

2. Sparking Attraction

You can also attract women by Peacocking. Peacocking is wearing a unique piece of clothing or accessory that stands out and will have everyone in the club watching you. It’ll feel like you’re being judged. Not just for what you’re wearing, but about your past mistakes as well. Like everyone there knows you blew that touchdown pass during your big Division II championship game. That was years ago! But they’re not judging. They’re jealous. Jealous that you have a Livestrong wristband, fuzzy top hat, or one of those shirts that looks like a tuxedo, but it’s really just a shirt. The point is they’re jealous that you are anything but a cog in the machine. And no matter how independent or free-willed a feminist may seem, when she sees a unique, desirable man she’ll forget she even had the right to vote.

3. Build Comfort

Even though this isn’t the final step, this is probably the hardest one. It’s also the most important. Making a feminist feel comfortable around a man is hard. She was probably listening to Tori Amos right before she entered the bar/club, so you are really building from the ground up here.

The best way to make a feminist feel like she’s in a safe space is by listing material things you own in a fairly rapid fashion, but don’t be too obvious about it. This will remind her of all the TV shows she watches and that you are the closest thing to a TV character in real life, so basically you are a celebrity to her. Everyone loves celebs! Here’s an example:

“Yeah, Jenny, I get it. One time I tripped over my rainstick and landed on my Bang & Olufsen glass coffee table. I was on the floor bleeding. Luckily, none of it got on my DVR. I bandaged myself up and walked the 3.5 miles to my nearest ER. I still toast to my health and the health of my plasma TV. In fact, let’s toast to them right now!”

That’s a sonnet that would make the bard himself blush. The amount of information conveyed puts you in a position of power, but also makes you seem vulnerable. Everyone has a DVR (and if you meet a girl who doesn’t, why are you talking to her? Go back and read both books cover to cover again). So now she’s calm, not thinking about bra burning or earning pay equal to men. FYI, Bang & Olufsen manufactures audio and video, not furniture. But, women don’t know that and the fact that you are dropping European names makes you sound cultured and our friend biology will be hard at work… she’ll be so turned on. Her nips should be able to cut through glass at this point.

Now for the final step.

4. Commence Seduction

Once you’ve sealed the deal, just look her in the eyes (at this point, she’s earned it) and say “commence seduction.” She’ll shut down emotionally and be putty in your hands. Mold this putty into your own personal Cleopatra. (Just for fun, scream “Et Tu, Brutus?” when you cum, even though it has nothing to do with Cleo.)

So there you have it… A beginner’s guide to being not just a pickup artist, but THEE Pickup Artist! At the beginning, I mentioned I would elaborate on my Pickup Artist name, Holiday, but at this point you shouldn’t be asking. If you still really want the answer, go back and read both books cover to cover. I wish you the best in your fucktastic endeavors. Namaste, playa!