Dear Mr. Finkelstein:
This morning it came to my attention that late last night, in addition to various other activities that I need not go into detail here, I may have accidentally sent all of the emails that were in my Draft folder out to the designated recipients. I attempted to retract those messages, but I received a “failure to recall” message for you, which I can only assume means that you have already opened it. Good for you for working so early on a Sunday morning! That sort of dedication and commitment must be one of the many reasons why you are the Senior Manager.
Because there is a small chance that my email could be misinterpreted, please allow me to explain. First, the salutation using the name “Frankenstein” is actually a result of my email system’s onerous autocorrect feature. I had every intention of overriding it, and in fact, I will probably just delete “Frankenstein” from autocorrect’s dictionary. I mean, when would I ever need to make reference to a monosyllabic monster that has been cobbled together by the parts of dead people? Certainly not in any correspondence to you, that’s for sure!
Furthermore, when I wrote “you’re a dirty pig,” I would ask you to simply look to any reference material that will clearly state that pigs are actually very clean creatures, in addition to being quite smart. Did you know that pigs are ranked fourth among animals for their intelligence? Fourth! So, I would say that any reference to this mentally astute being should be considered nothing less than a compliment. And it should also negate my use of the word “dumbass” later in the email, because clearly that would be a contradiction of the very point I was trying to make.
You might also have been confused when I compared my job to the Nine Circles of Hell. More like Circles of Fun, I’d say. Like Twister or hula-hoops, those kinds of circles. Circles that make you whoop with laughter. Do you remember when you gave us eleven minutes last month to have cake at George’s retirement party before you turned off the lights in the break room and said, “Party’s over. Later, George?” I mean, that was a real hoot. There’s no Dante’s Inferno business going on here. Why would you even think that I meant that?
Additionally, when I spoke at length about your “Buddha belly,” could it be any more obvious that I am taken with your wisdom and enlightened nature? How can you think of Buddha without also thinking “teacher” or “leader?” You can’t, can you? A teacher and a leader is exactly what you are, Mr. Finkelstein. There’s no need to focus on any particular physical feature, since that is just not productive.
Lastly, when I wrote, “I hope you get hit by a bus,” I simply neglected to finish that sentence. It should actually have read: “I hope you get hit by a business promotion very soon, because you are well-deserving.” Of course, that goes without saying, but I just wanted to convey my sentiment anyway.
I certainly hope this serves to clear up any confusion my prematurely delivered email may have caused. As you now understand, it was full of complimentary statements, and because I don’t want my colleagues to think that I was trying to inappropriately “gain favor” with the boss, I trust that you will not need to mention it to anyone… especially anyone in Human Resources.
My Deepest Regards,
P.S. If you should speak to your assistant Mrs. Horschfield before I do, please let her know that I will be sending her an explanation on the email that was sent to her as well. Honestly, turning the correctly typed “Mrs. Horschfield” into “Mrs. Horse Face” is just a travesty of the autocorrect feature.
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