I recently realized I have no idea how people meet each other. So I decided to speculate. Where is my soulmate right now?

He lives at home. Nothing to be ashamed of! He has a full-time job. He just lives at home. He has some student debt he’s paying off, and he gets along okay with his parents. He’s a good guy. You get along fine. Maybe you get divorced. Maybe not.

He’s on Tinder! Unfortunately you did something weird to your phone a while ago and are unable to download any new apps. You never meet him, nor do you get to ever experience the joy of something called “Seamless.”

He’s at a LAN party because you like nerds. You will never meet him because he will marry the first woman who pays any attention to him. She uses him for his software dev money. This is a sad story.

He’s on OkCupid! You are not. You tried it once, but it made you feel “unsafe.”

He hasn’t been born yet!!! Get this: you’re like forty something and you look fucking GOOD. You’re at a coffee shop and this rich young douchebag comes in and just starts hitting on you because he knows quality when he sees it. You love rich young douchebags! He made his money off apps! It’s a match made in heaven.

He’s at a bar! You make eye contact at the bar, but then he looks past you straight into the boobs of the woman next to you.

He’s French. You couldn’t stay awake in French class in college so you don’t speak French. He doesn’t understand you when you’re like, “Hey I think you’re my soulmate.” He runs off with your wallet, because he’s also a common street thief. You’re simultaneously disappointed and turned on.

He’s writing a “Where is my soulmate right now?” list while listening to Drake. He’s the boy version of you. Things will never work out. You hate this guy. HATE this guy.

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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