As of 2018, The Higgs Weldon has been up and running for 5 years. To celebrate, we are re-publishing some of our favorite pieces from over the years for the entire month of January. This article was originally published on March 29, 2016.
Can someone come get this? Is someone on this? Whose boulder is this? Where is Building Services?
Who did this? Margret? Taylor? Danny! Danny, was this you? Is this your boulder, Danny? Where the hell is Danny? Someone go find Danny!
Can I get a status update on Building Services? What’s their ETA? We’ve got to find a way to get this damn boulder out of here!
How are we supposed to get any work done with a hulking boulder just sitting right there! I mean, can someone answer that? We’re just supposed to work around an offensive boulder all day? I mean son of a gun, have you ever tried to get any work done with a boulder right there? I mean come on, right?
This is a functional office for Pete’s sake! We can’t just have people placing a boulder in the middle of the action! What are we? We’re not a god damn skit, I’ll tell you that much! Not under my watch…
Maxine don’t climb the… Maxine! I’m serious, Maxine! Get… Get down from that boulder Maxine! Maxine, this isn’t a joke! I know you took your heels off! That’s besides the point! Get down from there! You’ve got work to do! Maxine, this boulder is ruining your sense of office decorum!
Where the hell is Building Services? What is taking them so long?
Tommy! Tommy, no! Tommy, don’t try to roll it away! Tommy, that’s dangerous! Tommy, no! Tommy I applaud your proactive team-first attitude in trying to move the boulder, it shows a lot of leadership potential but please, stop! Don’t take it upon yourself to… That thing is probably heavy… MAXINE! GET DOWN! Danny! Where’s Danny! Has anyone found Danny? Danny, you’re about to kill Tommy!
Tommy, no! Tommy you are not strong enough! Tommy get out from under there! Damn it Tommy! I told you it wouldn’t work! You are not great at taking direction, which is a characteristic we’re generally looking for in all higher level employees of this office. You didn’t believe me, and now your whole head is gone. It’s gone. No more. Your head is over there and your body is over there. Tommy, this is something you need to work on.
Can someone get ahold of Building Services and let them know the situation with the boulder has changed slightly…
What do you mean no one has called Building Services yet? Well what the hell are you tweetie birds standing around for! I can’t think of everything, this is an office! We function together or we fail together!
Damn it, where’s Danny? Show your face, you coward! Come out and face me like a god damn man, Danny! You think you can put a boulder in MY office and just disappear? A boulder that Maxine decides to climb on like a cuckoo bird! A boulder that takes Tommy’s head all the way away from him like he’s a… A damn bird! Get out here, Danny! Face me, Danny! Face me, Danny! FACE ME, DANNY!
I am sorry for losing my cool everyone but, obviously this is not a normal office situation. My leadership skills were pushed to the test and unfortunately, I failed. There was certainly no reason to tear my shirt in two and I apologize for that. I will be in my office trying to get some work done… Despite there being boulder in the middle of the office. My office… right in the MIDDLE of MY OFFICE!
Sorry, sorry, like I said, I’ll be in my office. If anyone sees Danny please send him in to see me.
And let me know when Building Services gets here.
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!