If you have any affection left in your heart (or if your heart hasn’t exploded from too many energy drinks), read on. I apologize for the 12 month’s worth of dust I allowed to gather on my keyboard (in case you were wondering, I have a 2011 Macbook Pro). Below is a series of interconnected factors that you deserve to know.
FACTOR 1: Everyone who knows Higgs Weldon editor and CEO Paige Weldon knows that she loves Monster Energy drink.
Observant readers may notice that she’s holding a Red Bull in this photo. Close enough.
FACTOR 2: Everyone who knows Higgs Weldon editor and CEO Paige Weldon knows that her birthday is in December.
FACTOR 3: Everyone who knows me knows that during the holidays, I work as a professional giftwrapper.
I can wrap anything efficiently and beautifully — any shape, any size, ANY moisture level.
FACTOR 4: Everyone who knows my brother’s girlfriend’s brother-in-law knows that he works for EA Games.
EA is partnered with Monster. At the end of every EA corporate event, my brother’s girlfriend’s brother-in-law takes home all the leftover Monster.
This isn’t my brother’s girlfriend’s brother-in-law. These are the Property Brothers from HGTV. But you get the point.
So obviously, I got a bunch of free Monster from my brother’s girlfriend’s brother-in-law, and then I decided to individually wrap each can of Monster for Paige’s birthday present. Based on the amount of cans and my skill level, I assumed I could finish wrapping Paige’s birthday gift in two weeks. Which brings me to factor 6.
FACTOR 6: I suck at time management.
This was supposed to be Paige’s birthday present at the end of 2016. Every time I got an email about an article deadline I would start to brainstorm and then remember, “Oh fuck – the cans!”
Left the floor messy for months because I live the life of an artist.
About six months in I thought that maybe I should quit. The holiday wrapping paper I bought on sale didn’t even make sense anymore. But after nine months I realized it was almost Paige’s birthday again, and my Christmas wrapping paper was almost seasonally appropriate. I wrapped my last can on December 16th, 2017. It took me a year to finish this project.
Was it worth it? You tell me. Here is a GIF of Paige finally opening her year-old birthday present.
That’s right. In the video you can hear her say “oh no.” People don’t say that unless they’re thrilled. She’s now driving around with over 130 cans of Monster in her trunk.
When I downloaded the video of Paige’s reaction, I noticed it had a pretty tight name:
That’s almost 420 69. Sick. A lot of people might not take the time to notice that or point it out to people, but now that I’m done wrapping cans I have a lot of free time. Which brings me to my last two factors.
FACTOR 7: Everyone who knows me knows that I am now at a loss.
Monster was a constant presence in my life for a whole year. Wrapping those cans gave me purpose. It was an activity that filled my days and nights. Since I finished, I’ve had no idea what to do with myself. But then I realized I could fill that newfound void by writing Higgs Weldon articles again.
FACTOR 8: I’m back, baby!
(I am also available to wrap any gifts you might be struggling with. Please DM me for rates. Also, I can now convert videos to GIFS)
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!