Hey, David, can I ask you—oh congratulations again, yeah. This is such a special day. This is so beautiful and I am so happy for you guys. Uh, can I ask you a real quick question, though… Why is Werner Herzog, the German experimental filmmaker, at your wedding?! Like, do you know him? Is he a relative or something?

I’ll tell you why it matters. ’Cause he is really kinda creeping everyone out.

For starters, he was standing next to the DJ booth for about forty minutes just sorta mumbling to himself in what I’m pretty sure was Latin. Or some Latin derivative. The DJ tried to banter with him, ’cause the DJ could see that all the little kids were uncomfortable. And most of the adults as well. But then Werner Herzog stared at the DJ and said, “Play your fool’s anthem, you goddamned fool.” And then the DJ slowly turned up “Who Let the Dogs Out?” and Werner Herzog went back to mumbling.

When Michelle and her father were dancing, and everyone was taking pictures, Werner Herzog took off his shoes and filled them with chicken skins and sawdust, which I don’t even know where he got, and then said, “Your matrimony is about as natural as chicken skins and sawdust in a shoe.” He then laughed. Not a laugh of joy, but, and I don’t know how I know this, a laugh of despair. I didn’t even know those existed until that moment. The only thing that makes Werner Herzog laugh is despair?!?!

Michelle and her dad finished dancing, and then Werner Herzog mumbled something about Carl Jung and the Electra complex, and said that all daughters want to marry their fathers. And then, after an incredibly uncomfortable pause, the DJ–thank fucking Christ–just started playing “Who Let the Dogs Out?” again. I don’t think anybody has ever been happier to hear that song than I was at that moment.

Seriously, why THE FUCK is Werner Herzog here?! What is he still doing here? As your best man–and I never thought in a million years I’d ever say this sentence–I am asking you to ask Werner Herzog to leave this wedding right now.

…Oh my god!! Here he comes! He’s walking right towards me! And he’s laughing! Oh my god, he’s laughing!? Werner Herzog is looking straight into my eyes, walking towards me, and laughing his laugh of despair.

Please, god! The song! Please play the fucking song! I take it all back. I don’t want to know why Werner Herzog is at this wedding–he’s getting closer–I don’t care anymore–he’s not stopping! Someone please stop him! All I want to know, all I want to know now or forever, please god, is who, honestly, let the dogs out? Can we focus on that?!?! I would be so happy if we could stop worrying about Werner Herzog and start focusing on who could have possibly let all of those dogs out. I am content to know that and only that–my god, why isn’t anybody helping me?!



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