Why Puppies Aren’t Cute
By
April 1, 2014

If there’s one thing we here at The Higgs Weldon believe, it’s that puppies are ugly, gross creatures that no one should love. We’ve broken the reasons down for you in this article, and hope that you will come to feel the same.

1) Too fluffy. Not aerodynamic. Impractical. Not cute.

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2) They’re really small and sometimes you can’t find them. This is hardly cute; it’s unsettling and scary. A paw could reach out and grab you anytime, anywhere.

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3) Financially dependent on humans. Irresponsible and definitely not cute. Science has also shown that 0% of puppies filed taxes on time last year, which is pawthetic.

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4) Their paws are too big for their weird tiny bodies. It’s like, your body is already super tiny and scary. Now you’re going to refuse to be proportional? How has this been allowed for so long?

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5) Shar Peis: omg only five days old and wrinkles? Get it together and take better care of your skin. Low sun exposure and regular moisturizing are musts for wrinkle-free healthy living.

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6) Their ears are often asymmetrical. As half-formed monsters, puppies sometimes have one ear standing while the other remains floppy. Symmetry is the key to beauty, and puppies are locked out.

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7) Poor matching skills. Color coordination is an important life skill, especially if you are interested in being cute.

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8) Empty brain with nothing going on inside.

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The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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