Thank you all for coming. I’m happy to report that myself, Steve and Terry are recovering nicely after being stuck under the snow in that cabin for so long. We want to thank the rescue team that found us and everyone for their support during this difficult time. We’re here today to address the small part of our story that the media seems to be obsessed with and tell you why we ate Mark.
It had been two days since the avalanche–maybe a day and half–and things looked dark. We ran out of food on the first day after Steve led us all in a game of Who Can Fit The Most Emergency Rations In Their Mouth? We were growing hungry, cranky and desperate. And that’s when Mark said, “Hey, you guys can totally eat me if you want.”
I know that sounds far-fetched. I can see Mark’s family is having a particularly tough time taking this news. But trust us, he was totally okay with it. We kept saying, “Mark, calm down, we don’t need to eat anybody. And even if we did we’d draw straws or something.” But he insisted. He just kept saying, “If anyone’s gonna be eaten it’s gonna be me. Hell, I want you to eat me!” So, on the third day, we did.
Now a lot has been made about Mark’s diary, which we didn’t even know he was keeping at the time. The media has printed quotes like, “I think these bastards are going to eat me,” and “They’re trying to convince me I want to be eaten, but I do not want to be eaten.” Well, if you knew Mark like we did, you know how much he loved to joke around. And always with such commitment! He was just as committed to that joke diary as he was to making sure we ate every last piece of him. He was such a good guy.
We just wanted to explain our actions, and also Mark’s actions, which were letting us eat him. We hope Mark’s story will encourage others to take avalanche warnings seriously, and to eat a balanced diet so their muscle tissue isn’t so stringy.
The Higgs Weldon is an online humor magazine with funny articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was founded in the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!