1488779107_wineI’m no wine sophisticate, but I learned a lot on my jaunt up north to California wine country this past weekend and was inspired to own a vineyard and winery of my very own, just like Clint Eastwood’s favorite editor does, according to one local Lyft driver. He got to hold his Oscar for Unforgiven! I’m very happy for him. Here’s a list of the first wines available for tasting at Soundtrack to Chicago the Musical Vineyard & Winery.  

Pinot Noir

Bold, italicized, hint of how my neighbor Doug’s palms smell, aged five months in a recycled Sparkletts container, then for three more months split between fifteen plastic cups covered with extra napkins from a children’s birthday party.


Strong essence of wine grapes, so dry you can’t even believe it, dry as a conversation with Blake Lively, dry as my eyes that time I didn’t blink for ten full minutes when no one even asked me to.


Light, clear, airy, water.


Fruit forward, subtle blend of banana, tomato, and pear, not dry, wet as can be actually, get your poncho on, it’s Splash Mountain over here. This particular variety is not aged, it’s smushed up and poured on the spot.

Ham Rosé

A sweet wine, in which we soak pieces of ham for six months before bottling to give it a bold, meaty character; pairs well with ham.

Pinot Grigio

Complex, rich profile, acidic, infused with glitter from JoAnn’s Crafts, pairs well with steak, lamb, and hardboiled eggs brought to work in a ziplock bag


Light, very sweet, aged for five months in a stainless steel barrel half filled with sugar, because wine is icky!

Les Poils Du Chien

Has a piece of my hair in every glass, I’m a dog woof woof.


A unique blend, exposed to both Quentin Tarantino and Wes Anderson movies during its most absorptive phase, damp, best served by someone who’s let true love slip through their fingers in a devastating fashion.


A sparkling wine, perfect for dessert, or used as bubbles for a fancy, sophisticated child of means. Aged for -200 years, yes, its from the future, ooooOOOoooooo.



The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 


facebookfooter twitterfooter tumblrfooter rssfooter

Sign up for our monthly email list!