Wormhole Waterslide
By
July 22, 2014

You have been waiting the whole school year for this.

Opening day at Aqua Rage Water Park.

Not only that, but it’s the grand opening of the Wormhole Waterslide.

And you have the first spot in line.

You camped out all night just to be the first to go down the Wormhole.

Your friends stand behind you, rock hard with envy.

“Go on kid, you’re holding up the line!”

You stare at the entrance of the slide.

It’s not like any of the others.

It’s neither like the Aqua Bullet.

Nor the Black Widow.

Nor even the Baby Flusher.

The entrance is beautiful. A swirling vortex of light and matter.

You suck in a breath and dive in headfirst.

“Hey! Feet first!”

Suddenly it feels as if you are being sucked through time at the speed of light.

You look down at your legs and up at your arms.

It’s as if both are being stretched infinitely in opposite directions. You look all around you.

An infinite amount of parallel wormholes exist.

An assortment of beings flies through the analogous cosmic tunnels.

You turn one direction and could swear you saw yourself.

Suddenly, you are spit into an empty pool.

Ouch.

You stand and look around.

Nothing is the same.

The water slide still stands but all around is a futuristic metropolis.

You look down and notice a newspaper on the floor of the pool.

It’s dated November 10,322.

Whoa.

The headline reads, “First Telepathic Asexual Inter-Humanoid Being Elected President!”

You look to the left of the paper and notice a grappling hook.

You pick it up.

This might be useful.

You run back to the entrance of the slide.

You jump into the vortex and are spit out.

Ouch.

It’s dark out.

As you stand all is illuminated from above.

Some sort of spacecraft looms over you.

The ship gradually becomes brighter and louder.

Suddenly you are shoved onto your fat ass.

A man stands where you did.

“Get back in the slide! F-7! F-7! F-“

A photon cannon vaporizes the man.

Ouch.

With your heart pounding you scramble for the slide and throw yourself in.

As you are ejected from the slide, you try to take a breath.

Oh shit.

You’re under water.

You try to surface but soon realize you’re 100 feet under.

The slide is your only option.

As you swim toward it, what you could swear was a harpoon zips past your left cheek.

You turn around to see a cavalry of Sea Horse-People swimming (galloping?) toward you.

Without missing a beat, you book it for the slide entrance.

Five more harpoons whiz past different parts of your body.

A harpoon grazes your right shoulder.

Ouch.

You grab the slide and thrust yourself in.

And you keep doing so hundreds of thousands of times.

You witness the rise and fall of civilizations,

The evolution and extinction of species,

The destruction of the Earth.

You and the slide drift through space on a chunk of rock.

This does not change for thousands upon thousands of more slide rides.

Until one day you enter the Wormhole Waterslide and are spit out into chaos.

All form of matter and light are being sucked into one point.

A singularity? ;)

You now float freely as you are being sucked into this abyss.

As you turn to reach for the slide you realize that it has drifted out of your grasp.

Not good.

Time is running out.

Wait, the grappling hook!

With all your might you throw it at the slide.

You pull and pull.

Despite the force of the black hole that is collapsing the entire universe, you somehow make it back to the entrance of the slide.

You are stronger than the universe. 8===D

You enter.

Ouch.

You find yourself in a white room.

It’s like that room at the end of the last Matrix movie except instead of the room being lined with monitors it is lined with hundreds of different water slide entrances.

You approach a wall and notice a slide labeled “F-7.”

F-7?

Could it be that simple?

You suck in a breath and dive in headfirst.

Splash.

You surface.

Opening day at Aqua Rage Water Park.

Your friends yell to you.

“How was it!?”

“Was alright, the end was sort of a Matrix rip off.”

“Sounds lame!”

Everybody leaves without even trying the Wormhole Waterslide.

Aqua Rage Water Park goes out of business within the week.

 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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