We’ve all been there:

It’s Friday night. You just left the office and copped your first taste of that sweet, sweet weekend air. Tastes like sex and unseized opportunity, don’t it?

Now there’s no shortage of nighttime activities this weekend, but finding out what’s right for you isn’t as easy as it seems. Especially when there’s so much sick shit going down. So, instead of leaving it to fate, take this quiz to find out if you’d have a better time with your squad at the bitchin’ Imagine Dragons concert downtown or hanging out alone in a Sbarro’s restroom.

1. What kind of music do you enjoy?
a) The gentle hum of a steel mill
b) Elevator muzak
c) A distorted 8-track recording of a deeply disturbed senior citizen asking where his long dead parents are hiding
d) Butthole Surfers

2. How would you describe yourself?
a) Currently signed up for five different dating apps
b) Self-hating
c) Destined to start a studded denim company
d) All-around an okay person!

3. How often do you get diarrhea?
a) Regularly, but not frequent enough where I can’t stand for over three hours without pooping myself
b) Regularly, and frequently enough where I can’t stand for over three hours without pooping myself
c) I am cute and have never pooped (tee-hee)
d) Why does this matter?

4. Describe your group of friends
a) We love gags! Ain’t a weekend without someone getting Smirnoff Ice’d
b) Like anyone else’s friends?
c) My only standard is that my friends be younger than me
d) Most are better described as acquaintances

5. Any allergies or health restrictions you want to tell us about?
a) Allergic to having a bad time, brah!
b) Without warning my ears tend to bleed profusely
c) Heavily lactose intolerant
d) Night terrors

6. When someone says “I’m radioactive,” you go:
a) WOOOOO!!!!!!
b) Okay?
d) You should get that checked out

7. Are you fucking this weekend?
a) No, but I’d like to
b) Yes
c) Does watching your best group of pals jerk it count for anything?
d) Not sure exactly how it works, but sounds enticing

8. You just got an $80 bonus, what’re you spending it on?
a) Putting it all towards Imagine Dragons tickets!!
b) Literally anything else

IF YOU ANSWERED MOSTLY A’s OR C’s: – Uh-oh, looks like you gotta go to Imagine Dragons with da SQUAD! You clearly work in finance, have horrible interests and follow the crowd, so you’re going to fit in perfectly. Da Dragon Boyz will play all their hits like “Radioactive,” the other one and the one you recognize from the commercial. Oh, boy, lucky you!

IF YOU ANSWERED MOSTLY B’s OR D’s: – Congrats! Looks like you’re gonna fit in more in that Sbarro’s bathroom. Congrats on not having to stand through a three-hour Imagine Dragons concert! You’re in for an amazing time adoring the sleek, hopefully-not-shit-covered walls of a Sbarro’s! Hey, maybe you can even sneak in a slice or two.

IF IT’S A TIE: Flip a coin? Sure! Why not? You have a lot of clashing personality traits!


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!