TO: Vince McMahon, CEO World Wrestling Entertainment
FROM: Kal Blevins, Federal Workplace Safety Inspector, OSHA
RE: Your Complete Failure As A Company
Mr. McMahon, I’m not used to being blunt. I’m used to helping make workplaces as safe and productive as possible. I’ve dreamed of being a federal safety inspector since I was four years old, and every day I awake feeling like the luckiest guy in the world.
Until today. I can’t believe what’s going on at your company. I actually ran out of paper writing down all the infractions, and the notebook I brought was only half full. Here’s a list of the many, MANY, MANY infractions I found:
1) Wrestlers should NOT be allowed to store their sledgehammers under the ring.I witnessed an employee assault another employee with a sledgehammer, then throw him into a coffin. What kind of workplace is this?? From now on, any employee who requires a sledgehammer for WORK-RELATED ACTIVITIES (e.g. opening stuck lockers) must sign one out from HR.
2) Your HR department is run by a man who calls himself Kane and says he’s from hell. When I asked to see his I-9 and W-2, he threw his hands into the air and flames erupted from his desk. Why is this man here?? I tried calling the police, then flames erupted from my phone. This guy’s nutso!!
3) You need to have multiple referees officiating these matches. I witnessed several bouts where the sole officiator was distracted, knocked out, kidnapped, found to be “in cahoots,” or revealed to be an evil twin. If you had two referees out there, none of this would happen.
4) Every employee seems to be involved in a deep, interpersonal conflict with another employee. For example, C.M. Punk stole an urn from The Undertaker which contained the ashes of his dead best friend. You could easily fix this by having these men work different shifts. Frankly, by repeatedly scheduling them in bouts, it almost feels like you WANT this conflict. A conflicted workplace is an unproductive workplace!!
5) Finally, please ask your employees to quit insulting the hometown sports teams of whatever particular city they are in. I heard Damien Sandow call the Toronto Blue Jays a “pack of blithering ignoramuses.” In Toronto!! Freedom of speech is one thing, but it seems as if several of your employees are trying to upset the crowd on purpose!! This is less of a safety thing and more of a moral hazard.
Unless you resolve these issues within the next 72 hours, I will have no choice but to write your corporation an even sterner warning, using an even bigger font. After that, I’ll have pretty much exercised the entirety of my power. 72 hours!!
Federal Workplace Safety Inspector, OSHA
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