Your New Baby Is An Invasive Species: The Facts About Your Baby’s Inner Savage
By
July 8, 2016

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If you have brought a new baby into your home, congratulations! Often underestimated and undervalued, babies can make interesting and entertaining companions. 

Your new baby needs to be properly domesticated. The ancient, wild, prowling savage that still lurks within all babies must be tamed. This is where you’ll play a vital role. 

Bring up your baby properly and she will be far less likely to go roaming around the neighborhood. Most importantly, your well-trained baby will live longer!

Introducing Your Baby to Her New Home

Put your baby in a quiet room and leave her alone for at least 24 hours with some food and water. Make sure she can’t escape. Don’t let anyone enter the room. 

Other family members should not be introduced to your baby until she is confident with you and only you. When your family does meet the baby for the first time, ask them not to approach the baby, but to wait until the baby approaches them. In these crucial early days it is unwise, even for you, to pick your new baby up at every opportunity. 

What is a baby?

Humans have kept babies for thousands of years, both as companions and for their value as pest controllers, but all owners should be aware that their baby is descended from a highly successful predatory species. 

Although the earliest evidence of babies being kept by humans comes from a 9,500-year-old grave in Cyprus, where a baby was found buried beside a human, it probably began gradually about 12,000 years ago as nomadic peoples settled down to farm. Eventually babies began to move in from the wild and humans came to recognize the value of keeping babies around. 

Baby Breeds

The development of the various breeds of baby we see today came about through baby enthusiasts selecting and crossbreeding individuals from the ordinary domestic types that had remained wild for millennia. 

Baby Body

Your baby may not look much like a warrior, but she’s built with the same equipment as a primitive savage. Her body is designed for survival. 

Baby Teeth

A baby’s teeth are tiny versions of an adult human’s. The space between the incisors is perfect for babies to insert them between the cervical vertebrae of her enemy––thereby breaking the neck. Your baby’s teeth are positioned with other babies and adult humans in mind. A baby’s back teeth are designed for grinding meat. 

Baby Mouth

Babies possess a strange little organ in the roof of their mouth. This organ creates the crying sound. Scientists believe this is a result of evolution. The sound of crying helps ward off predators. This organ can also affect the pitch of the cry so that an owner might identify their baby in a pack of crying babies. 

Baby Feet

Look closely at your baby’s feet. You will find that they are softly padded and have a slight curve that does not touch the ground. Although it’s not certain exactly what it does, it is possible this extra padding is for shock absorption. It is also assumed to be an anti-skidding device, used often when babies jump or hunt. 

Baby Balance

The combination of eyes, ears, and brain come into play if a baby is dropped or has fallen. Together, the eyes, ears and brain can calculate and correct a falling baby’s body position so that, the head, torso and legs, are quickly aligned to achieve a soft landing. 

Babies that fall from great heights are often less severely injured than babies that fall from shorter heights. If a baby falls from a window of a building the injuries it suffers increase the higher the story––but only up to seven stories. If it falls from a window higher than that, the risk of injury actually begins to decrease. 

After falling for a distance of about five stories the baby reaches full speed, which then remains constant. The baby’s inner mechanisms are then no longer aware of any acceleration. The baby relaxes. The muscles ease. This stabilizes her descent. A relaxed falling baby is much less likely to suffer fractures than a tense one. 

Baby Navigation

Babies possess a remarkable ability to find their way home should they get lost. 

If you let your baby out during the day, some babies are known to take long journeys by celestial navigation. Your baby subconsciously registers the angle of the sun in the sky at any given time of day. 

Baby Powers

Historically, babies have been associated with the supernatural. They are known to be able to predict the eruption of volcanoes and the imminence of earthquakes. Scientists are still testing babies to know for sure if they truly possess powers of telepathy or if they’ve experienced past lives. 

Baby Thoughts

Babies don’t, in fact, have thoughts. They don’t think about the past or consider the future. 

When your baby has to be babysat while you’re away on vacation, she does not miss you. She doesn’t sulk or wonder why she has been abandoned. When you do come to collect her, she should immediately remember you––but this is not guaranteed. 

The Spread of Babies

Babies are an invasive species. It is recommended that you sterilize them right away before they become a nuisance to your community. This is especially recommended for outdoor babies that might encounter other babies without supervision. 

Baby Caution

Sleep vigilantly around new babies. Due to their high levels of anxiety, there are reports of babies attacking their owners in their sleep. Until you are truly confident with your baby, I recommend locking yourself in a room at night separate of your baby. 

Baby Bite Prevention


1. Do not bother a baby that is eating or sleeping.

2. Do not play with a sick baby. 

3. Do not put your face close to a baby. 

4. Do not tease a baby. 

5. Do not promote aggression in your baby. 

6. Do not approach a baby that you are unfamiliar with.

Best of luck with your new baby!

 
 
 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 


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