Hello, sir? Excuse me. I’m sorry to bother you while you’re browsing the Polo Ralph Lauren display at Sunglass Hut, but I couldn’t help but notice the back of your t-shirt. Right beneath the portrait of just the head of a bald eagle superimposed over a waving American flag, it says “If You Don’t Like It Here, I’ll Help You Pack.”
Sir, I am SO glad I found you. I would love to take you up on that offer.
I believe I meet the criteria you lay out. I’m currently relocating to the North Side because the commute from this neighborhood is a drag. I can only afford a one bedroom here, with terrible natural light. Plus, I’m at that point in my life where in-unit laundry is non-negotiable.
In short, I don’t like it here!
I hope that qualifies me for your services, because the only thing worse than staying put is moving! I’d rather eat a dirty sock than put a sock in a suitcase. It’s so bad that I actually haven’t started packing at all, even though my lease is up on Sunday.
That’s why I’m thrilled to have encountered someone who is so skilled at packing, he’s advertising his willingness to pack for perfect strangers. Finally, the universe does me a solid.
Please stop pretending to be interested in some Oakleys on the other side of the store and walking away from me. I know I sound way over-excited, but it’s only because I’m so interested in the services you provide! Do you help with the actual moving, or is it a packing-only situation? Do I need to provide my own boxes? I always forget to keep newspapers to wrap around breakables. Will that be a problem, or do you have bubble wrap?
Is the eagle just a mascot, is that your own personal eagle? Will he be there on the day? I have a cat, but I can shut him in the bathroom if the eagle will be there on the day.
“Get away from me, lady”? Sure thing, buddy! But before I do, I just want to say: sometimes it feels like our nation is helplessly divided, that everyone is only looking out for themselves. But when I saw you across this Sunglass Hut – declaring your eagerness to help out your fellow man right on your back – it made me feel like maybe, just maybe this country is going to be okay.
Thank you for begrudgingly writing down your phone number on the back of a Sunglass Hut receipt. You’re probably grumpy because you get requests to pack people all the time. I hope you never lose sight of what it is you love about stacking a stranger’s personal belongings into a cardboard box.
By the way, I’ll probably need three wardrobe boxes, and I can text you the measurements for my flatscreen when I get home. See you on Sunday!
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!