Hi everyone. It’s that time of the year again. Summer! And to celebrate I’m hosting a Super-Fun Vegan Barbeque with a lot stimulating mandatory activities.
Q & A Session: ‘Is There Any Meat?’
During this session, we’ll discuss the meat options for the barbecue. It’s a short session. There are no options. Why? Because there is no meat. None. Seriously, stop checking the fridge.
“Mmmm. What’s Cooking?” Workshop: Appreciating the Bountiful Smells of Vegan BBQ
What’s that’s interesting odor? The distinct, rich aroma of a barbequed tofu? Or the many, fragrant notes of a Romaine leaf being charred? In this workshop, we’ll work to identify the smells offered by a vegan barbecue. And I mean we’ll really work at this. So please do not arrive having used scented lotion, or shampoo, or wearing clothes that have been inside of a dryer.
Sarah McLachlan & Neglected Animals Commercial Dance Party. Crying Optional
Nothing quite gets a vegan into the mood to consume a flame-licked feast quite like this artful video from the goddess Sarah McLachlan. For dance moves: swaying and weeping with joy that no animals will be consumed on the premises today is preferred.
The ‘No! You Can’t Order Take Out’ Debate
As tempting as it might be, The Super Fun Vegan Barbecue is violently strict about take-out! All cellphones are forcibly removed upon arrival. Thanks for your cooperation, friends.
Radical Veganism Training Session
We’ll have time to kill waiting for our barbecued sweet potatoes to become transformed into something edible. And during that time, we’ll read passages from Francis Moore Lappes Diet for a Small Planet. And if we feel inspired, we’ll clad ourselves entirely in black and attempt to free a large number of animals from a nearby family farm.
The Sorry I Was Totally Kidding About Radical Veganism Thing! Follow Up Session
What a hoot, right? Us vegans like a chortle or two. That whole Radical Veganism thing, as you’ll find out in this session, was just a fun distraction. (Unless, you know, you were secretly into it.)
Environmental Impact PowerPoint Presentation
Did you know that it takes 200,000 square feet of water to create one pound of chicken nuggets? You didn’t? Why not? Are you a monster who’s trying to destroy the planet? Are you? Whew. Lot to take in right? And that’s just the first slide!
The ‘Get Grilled About Which Grilled Vegetables You’ll Give Up Meat For’ Interrogation
During this session, you’ll be pursued around the premises until you answer the question. You’ll find the windows have been nailed shut. The doors are all locked. And learn that the key is lost in an enormous slab of seitan being preparing in the basement.
Can We Please Leave Now? A Q & A Session
Last year’s session was a hit! Lots of interest. Lots of passion. And a surprising amount of spirited yelling.
With bellies full of delicious grill-marked veggies, we’ll bid a light-headed adieu to the Summer. It’ll have been a long, long month of festivities and escape attempts. But we’ll all leave with something in common: we’re vegans. Even if not by choice.
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!