I guess you’re invited to my St. Patrick’s Day party.

It’s starting at 9 and going until–I’m going to regret this–question mark. Please be reasonable about this question mark. Some of us have jobs.

As host, I will provide some snacks and some alcohol. I think that’s very nice of me, and I expect you to not take advantage of my kindness (looking at you, Sarah). I’m not saying you have to bring something, but, well, I don’t know what you’re going to eat if you don’t. It’s not like I’m asking you to bring a can of the finest caviar or anything. (Which, it’s like, why would you even bring up caviar? That’s weird, and I don’t appreciate you trying to one-up me.) Anyway, I’m just saying bring some festive cookies if you want to eat all the festive cookies (ATTN: Sarah). Incidentally, I WILL settle for Tostito’s salsa, but OBVIOUSLY prefer Trader Joe’s brand. Your call. (But come on.)

This is a St. Patrick’s Day party, so please do wear green to the best of your ability. This is not my mandate, I just know that some of you will be assholes to people who don’t wear green and I’m doing this for you. (“You” is you, Greg.) Thanks for indirectly ruining my party, and you’re welcome for inviting you anyway (Greg).

Please also be prepared to take your shoes off when you enter my home. Socks are GREATLY appreciated. I know people are weird about this, but please get over yourselves, JESUS CHRIST. Who do you think you are? (You’re Greg.)

Conveniently (you’re welcome), wearing green socks is a great way to fulfill my last two requests. I do, however, ask that you bring your own green socks. (Begging you to do this one, Sarah. Your feet are the worst.)

Anyway, please RSVP as soon as possible. If everyone just ignores this like they do everything else, how will I know if there will even be a party? If you don’t respond and then you show up and we’ve run out of snacks, it’s your fault. Please stop acting so victimized all the time, Anthony.

See you guys next week!! : )

Going (1) Host

Maybe (1) Anthony L.

Invited (2) Sarah J. Greg T.