Hey folks. If you’re anything like me, you love to stay on top of the newest tech trends. Well look no further than Zach’s Monthly Tech Roundup for all the latest and greatest in the tech world. Let’s see what we have this month:
Once a dream only James Bond could enjoy, Gay-dars have become commercially available in the last few years! Curious about a co-worker/friend/family member? Not anymore! Pop on the Gay-dar, stare down your target, and within seconds you’ll know which team they’re playing for! Some people may say that this is an “invasion of privacy” and “none of your business.” Tell them to shut up and talk to the ‘Dar!
2. Word Processor Chair
You’re sitting at home on Thursday night. You have a deadline at work tomorrow, and you haven’t even begun to the write the report. But it’s after 8 p.m. and you’re sleepy. How are you going to muster up the energy? With the Word Processor Chair, you don’t have to! This amazing technology takes information from your buttocks and writes the words for you. This is still in public beta-testing, with most models continually typing out the hook to Sir-Mix-A-Lot’s “Baby Got Back.”
3. Electric Piggy Bank
You’re missing $50 from your secret cash cache. You suspect it may be one of your children, or maybe even your wife. How do you keep your money safe while also teaching them a lesson? Introducing the Electric Piggy Bank. It can only be turned on and off by a remote, which you will always have on your person. So the next time someone goes to steal money from the bread-winner of the house, they’ll get a small, fairly harmless shock of ~400 Volts. And as Pavlov’s experiment’s taught us, they’ll soon learn to keep their grimy hands off YOUR money!
Glasses that look like a bicycle? What?! How cool is that??!
5. Greg from IT
Greg was the IT guy at my office. He and I used to be best friends, but then I slept with his wife and he quit the company (and our friendship). So, my final entry into the greatest in technology these days is Greg. He knows his way around a keyboard, can fix any network issues, and plays a mighty fine bass guitar. Please come back, Greg… take down this firewall, turn off all the proxies, and let’s make this friendship a LAN party again…
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