The Higgs Weldon
Brian Brown
January 16, 2017

Here is a tale of a boy, and self discovery. I don’t know why I felt compelled to tell/write this story. But it is one that I must tell. It rhymes. Rhyming is hard.

Brian Brown

It was a cold rainy night.
In an old run down town.
In a real tiny house
Lived the young Brian Brown.

His parents were gone.
They were out on a date.
So Brian decided to stay up real late. (more…)

Sincerely Yours, You Sorry Son of a Bitch
January 13, 2017

Dearest friend,

Due to lack of interest, my pity party has been cancelled. I called to personally tell you, but you were so goddamned busy that you neglected to answer your phone. Of course, then I was worried about you when you didn’t answer the first couple times, so I called three more and when you didn’t pick up the phone, I left a hateful voicemail, but I wasn’t sure if you got it, so I sent a snarky text or two, and yeah, I’m still patiently waiting for a response.

I hope this soon reaches you, but if I don’t hear from you in the next fifteen minutes, I will assume you aren’t my friend anymore. In that case, I will retroactively pick the point when I should have realized that you never were my friend, and I will delete you from Facebook.
I sure didn’t see this coming. (more…)

5 Reasons Why I, the Golden Retriever of a White, Upper Class Family, Voted for Donald Trump
January 12, 2017


As a member of a historically oppressed group (Golden Retrievers of upper class white families), I took this election very seriously. And look – I understand that Donald Trump was not the most popular candidate in the world. I understand that. But when leash-pull came to shove, I felt that he was the right choice, and here is why:

1. He’s Not Hillary Clinton

I’ll level with you on this one. I have no idea what Hillary Clinton is. But what I do know is that, whenever I hear those words, the belly rubs stop and Dad gets angry. When I hear the word ‘Bengozy’ (spell?), which Dad often talks about in the same breath as Hillary Clinton, he gets even angrier. He bangs on the counter and yells at Liberal Media. I’m still not one hundred percent sure, but I think Bengozy is the neighbor’s cat that sometimes poops on Dad’s convertible roof, and Liberal Media is our neighbor who owns Bengozy the cat, who Dad hates for never telling him about Bengozy. Or something like that. No matter what, my life would be a lot easier if Hillary Clinton weren’t in it. (more…)

Don’t Make Me Pull This Car Over! Because If I Do Or Go Under 50mph It Will Explode!
January 11, 2017

1483756625_city-carAlright, settle down back there! I said settle down! I’m warning you! This is your old man’s last freebie of the day, okay? You seriously need to stop goofing off. I feel like I’m about to have another aneurism. Tyler. TyLER. TYLER! Put. The. Silly. String. Down. Give it to me, now! Thank you! Jesus, where did you even buy this? Hey. HEY! Julia, stop hitting your brother. Stop yelling, both of you! ENOUGH! Dangit, kids! Don’t make me pull this car over! Because if I do or go under 50mph it will explode!

Don’t scream louder! There is no need to yell! Everything’s going to be fine. Just breathe. Tyler, take a few puffs of your inhaler. Julia, give him a hand, will you? Oh, Julia, nonono please stop crying. Oh dear. Here’s a tissue. But you’re right, honey. There is a real, working bomb in the car. Somewhere. But no one is going to explode, okay? We’re just going to keep on driving until your daddy figures out what to do, or we run out of gas – which will trigger the bomb and kill us all. (more…)

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