The Higgs Weldon
Good Cop, Existential Crisis Cop
November 27, 2015

Good Cop:  So, look, we got two witnesses that say you were outside the bank.

Suspect:  Doesn’t mean I did shit?

Good Cop:  I guess, but, you work with me, I’ll work with you. I’ll let the D.A. know you were cooperative.

Suspect:  I know this routine. You’re the good cop and this sad looking asshole is the bad cop.

Good Cop:  No, he’s not the bad cop. He’s my partner Fitzy. I got stuck with him. He’s not bad, but frankly, as you noticed, he’s depressing as hell to be around.

Suspect:   Well, does he even talk? (more…)

Find The Hand Turkey That’s Right For You
November 25, 2015

1 Hand Turkey - The Hesher

The Hesher


Reeves’ Recipes: Thanksgiving Mashed Potatoes Edition
By and
November 24, 2015

Ingredients: What you will need

-3 pounds of boiling potatoes, peeled

Boiling is a word you should all be familiar with as it was used many times in conjunction with the word “hot” to describe my riveting performance in the 1994 edge of your seat thriller Speed. Peeled is what your eyes should be for an untitled film I just wrapped that should be hitting theaters around summer twenty sixteen. And speaking of three pounds, I just added that exact amount of muscle to my right tricep. Life’s good.

“But Keevey Reevey, does it matter what color potatoes I get?” Okay first of all, Keevey Reevey is a nickname that James Spader and only James Spader, my costar in the widely unappreciated film The Watcher, is allowed to call me, so whoever told you it was okay to call me that was a Jimmy Spader impersonator and the authorities should get involved. (more…)

Easy, Fun Ways You Can Use Your Progressive Ethics to Ruin Thanksgiving
November 23, 2015

Bring your own Tofurkey.

Meat substitutes are not just a delicious source of protein, but also “a goddamn disgrace.” Dad will sneer at your meal and mutter that God gave us teeth so we could eat meat. Offer him a bite of your soy protein product. Huzzah! You are now officially a “goddamn ungrateful spoiled kid.” You surely gave him the bite to question his manhood. There is no possible way you offered him the tofurkey out of politeness, because everyone knows tofu is the destroyer of masculinity.

Don’t close your eyes when Grandma says grace.

Grandma can sense when your eyes are open. She knows, and so does the lord. Furthermore, she plans on telling her buddy God after dessert what a bawdy heathen you are for leaving your eyes open. Why are your eyes open? So you can see all of the unbridled sin your generation swims in like so much spicy mustard? Follow this up by not saying “Amen” after the grace. What’s next? Drugs? Stealing? Sex with someone of a different race? Nevermind that no one in your immediate family is religious: pretending to be Christian on holidays is the polite thing to do. What would the neighbors think? (more…)

Let Me Tell You About My Lawsuit(s)
Dear Ratty Concert Tee From Eight Years Ago
Grandpa’s Fears
Reasons I Would Be Called Upon to Help During an Emergency on a Plane
Top Secret Diets
Inflight Passenger Announcements from the Twilight Zone
Tweets to Famous Women Throughout History
Top Behind-The-Scenes Moments From Donald Trump’s SNL Appearance
The Frugal Fanatic
Steps for Getting Ready for the Best Night Out Ever
Thrift with Miles K | Featuring Greg Edwards
“CD Story” Pitch For Pixar
The Kid From The Shining’s College Application Essay
Truly Scary Halloween Costumes
How to Survive a Human Attack

Adulthood is owning anything you can refer to as “supplies.”

Paige Weldon

It’s ironic that smartphones let us communicate with everyone, yet make us more isolated, according to my annoying as fuck 16 year old niece.

Asterios Kokkinos

“Is this the one where he gets drunk and cries during Field of Dreams? You can delete it.” – God going through my life episodes on DVR.

Patrick Walczy

Want to be our best friend?
Donate to The HW!

Higgin’ with Mr. Robin
by Robin Higgins


Foreign Correspondent
by Mark Mitchell


Little Known Facts
About Alaska
by Finn Straley



Man of Letters
by Raj Desai


Paige Rage
by Paige Weldon


Kokkinos Has Spoke-inos
by Asterios Kokkinos


Life, Love and Other Mysteries
by Zach Pugh


by Devin Field


Just Joshin’ You
by Josh Edelman


Scientific Fiction
by Ivan Hernandez


Hangin’ in There
by Tim Vargulish


Songs are Sad and Unacceptable
by Rob Schultz


Adam’s Book of Spells
by Adam Allgood


Dinner and a Movie
by Chase Bernstein


Life with Luchy
by Lucia Fasano


facebookfooter twitterfooter tumblrfooter rssfooter

Sign up for our monthly email list!