The Higgs Weldon
Your Favorite TV Shows As I Understand Them
March 2, 2015

My name is Finn Straley. I grew up without television. I’m not trying to brag, that’s just what happened. We had a television, but we didn’t have television. We didn’t have cable or even any of the basic channels. This means I didn’t see a lot of the same shows as other people. I still heard people talk a lot about those shows, even though I never actually saw them. As far as I can tell, here is what those shows are about.

Boy Meets World

So there is a little kid, and he grows up all the way through college. He has the same teacher forever, who I think is played by the guy who played Thomas Jefferson in the musical version of 1776. He has a girlfriend, but not the same one the entire time. Maybe he does? I think this show basically Boyhood? (more…)

The Higgs Weldon Live March Edition
March 2, 2015


More details here!

5 Signs the Cute Guy You Met at the Bar Is Actually Your Cousin
February 27, 2015

1. He keeps calling you “cuz.”

Of course, he could just be a huge fan of early 90s street lingo. But to play it on the safe side, avoid any potential bedmate who uses such a familial term of endearment.

2. Before you went to the bar, he was at your family’s house for dinner.

So he took you out for dinner before signing you up for a free trial of his NetDicks account? He’s a keeper. But if that restaurant was your parent’s dining room table, he might not be the best choice.

3. He already has naked pics of you together.

In a bathtub, when you were both four! Why does he have that? He might say that “Aunt Janet” snapped this pic of a “cute moment,” but you go right ahead and tell him that Aunt Janet is a weird name for a child porn director. (more…)

A Church Sign Writer Submits His 2-Week Notice to His Protégé
February 26, 2015


Verily, you were my dearest friend. In sadness I write you announcing that my time to leave the church has come. Last night, in slumber, I stood upon the sand of the sea, and saw a beast rise up out of the sea, having seven heads and ten horns, and upon his horns ten crowns, and upon his heads the name of blasphemy. I fear this monster has appeared to me as a sign from our Lord and mighty savior that I have not done my best to represent Him in my crafting of church sign text—and for this reason I must go.

It’s just gotten so hard—you know? Honest terror used to be enough to get people through the door. Remember when Father James warned Evelyn about filing her taxes incorrectly? And she was struck by lightning as she left the 11 a.m. Sunday Coffee and Crucifixion get-together? Those were the golden days, Mark. It feels like it hasn’t rained in ages. (more…)

Making the Bat Most-vah of Your Bat Mitzvah
A Friendly Reminder
My Unused Academy Award Acceptance Speech
Who’s Glad They’re Wearing Shoes?
Butter Your Coffee, Change Your Life
Important Staff Memo
The Internet’s One Million Dollar Thread Killer
Honored to Be Heather’s Maid… of Honor
10 Jobs That Won’t Exist in 10 Years
My GPS Sounds Like My Freshman Year Roommate
So I Caught a Rattlesnake with My Bare Hands, Now What?
Your Creative Writing Class Workshops Your Obituary
Lesser Known Country Singers
Tournament of Champions: February 7
I Went to a Comedy Show and What I Saw Was an Outrage

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