The Higgs Weldon
Message From Chase Bank
By
January 30, 2015

To: Mr. Raymond Davenport
From: Chase Bank
Re: Your check deposits

Mr. Davenport,

My name is Lester Collins, I’m the manager at your local Chase branch. I wanted to contact you about some of the checks you’ve been depositing. You’ve been a very loyal customer with us for over 20 years and the last thing we want to do is to damage that relationship. But, after our system flagged a couple of checks in a row, I decided to look into the matter further. I’d like to be clear: I am not accusing you of anything Mr. Davenport. I would just like some clarification.

On September 22nd of last year you deposited a check in the amount of $55,000 with the words “Special Services” in the memo line. Now when I saw this, I thought very little of it. This could refer to any number of things. My wife and I perform “special services” for each other so maybe that’s your line of work, which it is not my place to pass judgment on. (more…)

Backed into the Future
By
January 29, 2015

By now many of you will have heard that it is 2015. This was recently covered in the news extensively by the liberal media, but in this case it really is true. It is 2015 despite what many conservative bloggers will tell you. 2015 is an important year for a lot of reasons. One, it is the latest, most up to date year, and a lot of your old software won’t work without it. But the biggest, most important reason is that 2015 is the year Marty McFly travelled to in Back to the Future II. The movie made a lot of predictions about the future. I, and I alone, thought it would be fun to look at the predictions made in the movie compared to real life, and see what they got right, and what they got wrong.

In the future we see the character Goldie Wilson II, the heir of Mayor Goldie Wilson, selling flying cars at his Pontiac dealership. Not very realistic I think. In the real world Goldie Wilson II would more likely get murdered by a crooked police officer who would then not get put on trial. Nice try, Back to the Future. (more…)

Book Dedications
By
January 28, 2015

To Margaret
For teaching me how to dance… slowly in the pale moonlight.

To my cousin Lonnie
For showing me that love is real and that social “barriers” and “laws” are meant to be broken.

To my pet koala Susan
You continue to do you and for that I am forever indebted.

To my cousin Lonnie once again
I’ll never forget the way you ladeled a helping of gravy onto your mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving ’98, that’s when I found the strength to write this book, Forbidden Summers With My Cousin Lonnie. (more…)

A Washed Up Poet Pays His Utility Bills
By
January 27, 2015

O’ electricity, nurturer of all devices, energy whose liquefaction life-blood flows through the channel of my outlet, how precious ye are to me. Without ye, I could nay revel in the delights of entertainment dear to me, such as Downton Abby and Masterpiece Theater.

Yet, ye showeth me here a two-forked tongue. With the one prong, ye giveth me delight, and with the other ye taketh away that commodity most important to my wallet. O’ how you sting this old bard with the second prong of your utility bill bespeckled with rate increases.

*

And oil, O’ what a precious embryo you are buried deeply in the womb of Mother Earth, extracted tenderly through the teats of oil rigs, you have no idea how ye drive me by literally putting gas in my Mini-Cooper. Without you, I fear I could nay make excursion to the antique bookstore. Ye fire me, and I explode with passion for ye like my furnace explodes when I fire it up with you. (more…)

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