The Higgs Weldon
I’m Pleased to Announce That We’re Promoting Jeff to Drug Elephant
October 27, 2016

1477179352_elephantFROM: Sean Barnhart
TO: [All Totally Legal Imports LLC]
SUBJECT: I’m pleased to announce that we’re promoting Jeff to Drug Elephant.

Anyone who’s had the privilege to work with Jeff Hellberg knows the kid works his butt off. So, I’m sure it’ll come as no surprise that the hardest working Drug Mule around is now taking the leap to Drug Elephant.

If there’s one thing that Totally Legal Imports LLC values, it’s guts. Jeff’s got ‘em, plain and simple. The kid’s got a colon like a flatbed. He’ s the human carry-on: Undersized, overstuffed and handled by every stewardess on the continent…But seriously, when your back’ s against the wand there’ s no other guy you want with you. He’ s true blue. (more…)

A Perfect Morning Hike with My Future Wife
October 26, 2016

1477179127_mountains8:00 am — Carla and I arrive at the base of the mountain. Carla asks if I brought the water like I said I would. I didn’t.

8:05 am — My legs are killing me. I ask Carla how far she thinks we are from the top. She laughs and doesn’t answer the question. And to think, she’s the one who told our couple’s counselor that we don’t talk enough.

8:15 am — I hear a noise in the distance. Carla says that this area has been known to have bear sightings. I tell Carla I fought a bear once. She laughs. I think she’s impressed.  

8:25 am — I throw up. I haven’t worked out in over a year, so my body can’t handle this kind of exercise. I fall down on the trail, and when Carla turns around to help me I vomit all over her.

8:30 am — Carla is still mad about me throwing up on her. She acts like she’s never been puked on for making someone exercise before. (more…)

Things I Can Still Post Earnestly About on Facebook Once the Election Is Over
October 25, 2016

An act of kindness I saw on public transportation

The first 25 minutes of a documentary

My high school production of Our Town


What’s amazing about the Marvel Universe

My parents

How funny someone else in the comedy community is (either someone way below my level who “could use the bump” or someone with a TV show) (more…)

Higgs Weldon Live at the Improv Lab November 7
October 24, 2016

We’re back, again! Get your tickets right heeeere.


Spooky Creepy Fun Pranks
The Perfect Cleaner
Reasons This Waitress Thinks I’m Eating Alone at Buffalo Wild Wings at 4:30 p.m. on a Thursday
It’s Fall Y’all
7 “Off The Beaten Path” Things To Do In Lima, Peru
Tooth Fairy, Your Business Model Is A Complete Failure
A Bagel App, Because Just Getting One is Too Easy
Why Are You Cancelling Your Audible Subscription?
Lies Told On A Recent First Date
Don’t Blow That Horn!
6 Things You’ll Only Understand If Your Parents Accidentally Left You at a Dave & Busters for Three Days
So You Have an Ugly Baby. Now What?
Wrestling Names for Wimps
My Professor
Humans of Los Angeles

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