The Higgs Weldon
These New Visa Categories Are Hella Specific
By
August 25, 2016

1471659803_travel_journey-10Are you or someone you know looking for a visa to stay in America? Think there’s no visa that fits your current situation? You may know about categories such as “work” or “student” visas, but did you know that the State Department recently added several new categories after they all came to work a little drunk following Susan’s engagement shower brunch? Check your eligibility for these new visas using the list below.

Island Nation Resident Looking to Avenge Father’s Death in America

Eligibility Requirements:

Be from an island nation (a country that is completely surrounded by water). For an example, Google “Japan.”

Have a father who was killed at the hand of another.

Provide a good reason as to why you think your father’s murderer is currently residing in the United States. Acceptable reasons include statements such as “He is a tenured professor at Vassar studying the migration patterns of seagulls,” or “I just saw him holding a sign outside the window on The Today Show last week.”

(more…)

6 Places Besides Canada to Consider Moving to if Trump Becomes President
By
August 24, 2016
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As anxieties grow over the increasing possibility of a Trump presidency, Americans everywhere have began seriously looking into moving to America’s ally north of the border. But is Canada really your best option for immigration? Below I provide 6 other places that might be worth a closer look.

Swaziland

Swaziland is a small country in the South African peninsula that I’m pretty sure Donald Trump has never heard of. Though still a monarchy with a long history of human rights violations including the use of torture by local police, a deeply corrupt criminal justice system and widespread outbreaks of the Ebola virus, you can rest assured knowing you wont be blown up in an end of the world nuclear strike as President Trump is defiantly unaware of your new home’s very existence to begin with. As I’m sure Trump has said at one point or another “if I haven’t heard of it, it doesn’t exist.”* (more…)

You Will Not Believe What Happens Next
By
August 23, 2016
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WATCH: A Monkey And A Dog Meet For The First Time And You Will Not Believe What Happens Next!  

Please, take any preconceived notions about what you think may happen next when you WATCH: A Monkey And A Dog Meet For The First Time because I assure you, any attempt to even try to guess what happens next will be woefully and embarrassingly under imagined because, and I can’t stress this enough, you will not BELIEVE what happens next! 

In fact, what happens next is so spectacularly unbelievable your only regret will be not finding out what happens next sooner! So what are you waiting for? 

WATCH! (more…)

I’m Voting For A Third Party Candidate Because The System Is Rigged And I’m Mad At My Mom
By
August 22, 2016

When I tell people that I’ll be voting for a third party candidate this November, I get some pretty strong reactions. People call me stupid, tell me I’m throwing my vote away or that votes like mine could cost Hillary the election. Luckily, I’ve got a thick enough skin to stay committed to this simple truth: I am voting for a third party candidate instead of Hillary Clinton to support real change in our rigged political system and also because I’m very fucking pissed at my mom right now.

The idea that Americans should only choose between two parties is a myth, just like the idea of unconditional love for your family. In previous political eras America saw the rise of multiple different third parties, and their efforts forever changed our national discourse. One has only to look at most European democracies to find at least three major political parties bringing competing ideas to the table. But try telling that to my dumb mom and she’ll freak out on you. I mean this is a woman who’s never even been to Europe and only paid for half of my trip to Amsterdam–how can I expect her to understand? (more…)

The Higgs Weldon Live at the Improv Lab
Enter This Month’s Caption Contest!
Probable Reasons They Haven’t Texted You Back
I Ate Poison for a Month: This Is What It Did to My Body
8 Things Every Voice in My Head Knows to Be True
Avocado + Toast = Avocado Toast: A Memoir Part 2?
Count Dracula’s Airbnb Posting
5 Guys To Date This Summer Who Probably Have An Air Conditioner
Top Ten Worst Careers for Someone with No Teeth
Famous Last Words of Competitive Cooking Show Contestants
A Comedy “Piece” By A Writer Who Just Switched Places With His Dad After They Were Simultaneously Struck By Lightning
Dear Matt, The Ghost Who Ghost Texted Me
Thursday Night Memoirs
Pissed Off Dads Making Lame Threats to Smart-Aleck Teenagers, Through the Ages
What Do You Say We Throw Around This Football?

You can now instantly find a news article that supports anything you want to believe, like lizard man stuff, or a meatballs only diet

Asterios Kokkinos
(@asterios)

Feel like you don’t get to appoint yourself an “old soul” …we’ll let you know

Chase Bernstein
(@Chase__Chase)

If I said it once, I’ve said it 104 times: I have OCD.

Spencer Ham
(@spencerham)

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