The Higgs Weldon
I Almost Forgot To Thank Members Of The Academy
By
March 24, 2017

WOW! WOOOO! I’m totally blown away by this honor! Where do I begin?!

So, uhm, everybody thought I was insane when I started approaching producers about this project. I’d tell them I wanted to make a movie about pedophiles who kill puppies and I could not set up meeting one. But one bold, brave producer — who actually was a pedophile who had killed, and eaten I remind you, puppies — shared my vision. So first I have to thank my producer partner Peter Popper Gompers. 

I also want to thank Amoral Productions and Sony Classics for taking a risk on me: a first-time, unknown director with no history in this business, one leg, a glass eye and a tendency to break into unexplained seizures. They didn’t have to pay me in unmarked 20 dollar bills, even though I insisted. We should probably thank Citibank and the Federal Reserve. (more…)

Additional Hashtags To Delegitimize The Trump Administration
By
March 23, 2017

#AintMyVicePresident

#IsNotNorHasEverBeenMySecretaryOfDefense

#IRenounceAnyAndAllAssociationsWithTheSecretaryOfLabor

#KeepYourHandsOffMyInteriorSecretaryZinke

#ElaineChaoIDontKnowHer

#YoureNotMyRealCommerceSecretaryAndYouNeverWillBe

#NoSecretaryOfStateOfMineIsGonnaBeNamedRex

#MyEnergyCannotAndWillNotBeRegulatedByRickPerry (more…)

I’m Paying For This Luncheon And There’s Nothing You Can Do About It
By
March 22, 2017

Sarah, I’ll pay the bill this time.

No really Sarah, it’s fine. Didn’t you pay for our meal last week?

Sarah, you’re one of my closest friends. Please let me take this one. For old time’s sake.

Honestly Sarah, shut the fuck up. I’m paying for this luncheon and there’s nothing you can do about it.

No Sarah, we aren’t splitting this thing down the middle. You ordered a side caesar. I ordered an entire roast suckling pig plus all of the garnishes plus a warm apple crisp plus four bottles of Grey Goose. How would that be fair? (more…)

Excuse Me?
By
March 21, 2017

In the distance I spy a group of four girls: each with a phone in their hands, each on an unmistakable quest to snap that perfect picture. The one that has to be taken at least eleven times because Claire thinks she looks radiant in one, but Molly has “literally never looked worse.” Or, Kate might love the shininess of her hair but Tara thinks her earlobes look weird. It’s like tapas: no one’s going to love everything.

They begin delegating positions: Claire will hold the camera because her arm is the longest, which is part insult part compliment.

Claire snaps a few shots to the best of her long armed ability, and the four girls huddle around the results with a seriousness akin to our Founding Fathers, pouring over the Declaration of Independence. (more…)

Whopper, Jr. Has A Breakthrough In Therapy
Constructive Feedback for My Kidnappers
The Quiz Section on NPR.org
Excerpts From The Woke Joke Book
A Word of Advice to the Undergrad With Open Sores Giving Free Hugs in the Quad
Hey! You There. Would You Like to Buy a Roller Coaster from Me, a Guy on the Street?
Order Now! Targeted Comfort Containers® For Trying Times
Hey Everyone. Over here. Look! It’s Emma Stone’s Nipple.
A SOOTHSAYER TOLD ME THE EXACT DAY I WILL DIE
Wine Tasting with Emily Faye
This Is A Turtle… But Also, It Is Everything… So Also, It Is A Trampoline…
I Am A Highway Who Has Not Yet Been Adopted
I Saw Her Across The Bar And Knew She Was The One I Would Spend The Rest Of My Night Getting Rejected By
We’re Pregnant!
Open Letter to the Girl Scouts at Acme

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