The Higgs Weldon
The Writer’s Dilemma
April 18, 2014

We are now accepting submissions for our Fall 2014 issue. The theme is The Eternal Question, whatever that might mean to you, or whatever it might not mean to you, and how it does or does not manifest in your life or someone else’s life, or in the absence of life, in the present, past, or future.

We seek fiction, non-fiction, short fiction, flash fiction, microfiction, nanofiction, micronanofiction, molecular fiction, and chocolate chip cookies (no nuts).

We look for writing that moves you, and writing that moves.

We prefer fresh, eternal, concise, verbose, socially aware, morally bankrupt, experimental, time-tested stories from new, emerging, and established writers. (more…)

Forthcoming Celebrity Headphone Brands
April 17, 2014

Riffs by Eddie Van Halen

Jams by Trey Anastasio

Funks by Anthony Kiedis and Flea

Whines by Chris Martin

Grunts by Russell Crowe

Noodles by Dave Matthews (more…)

Why You Will Never Be First to Board the Plane
April 17, 2014

The order of boarding a commercial aircraft has evolved into a high art that would astound the most caste-conscious Brahmans and impress even the snootiest of protocol counselors at the Court of Louis XVI. With the mergers of American and US Airways, and United and Continental, boarding priorities have been refined and consolidated. Here’s the transcript of the new order of boarding priority.

At this time, we’d like to announce the pre-boarding of the following:

• Galactic-Triple-Titanium-Stratosphere-Billion-Miler-Club members
• Uniformed members of the armed forces with two or more infants requiring assistance (more…)

Buying a Slow Cooker: Threshold to Adulthood
April 16, 2014



Rejected Monopoly House Rules
April 15, 2014

Hasbro recently announced that they would allow fans to vote on Monopoly “house rules” for possible inclusion in a new edition of the game. “House rules” are the unofficial but customary enhancements to the official rules that have become tradition for ardent fans of the game. The following “house rules” weren’t even considered by Hasbro for a second.

The Greasy Slumlord Rule

If a player is one property short of a monopoly, and they have the token representing the missing property from the annual McDonald’s Monopoly promotion, they can choose to become a “greasy slumlord,” building houses and hotels while charging other players rent. If another player lands on the property to which the greasy slumlord holds a fake title, they can buy the property and take over the whole monopoly along with any houses or hotels that have been built on the properties, OR they can become a “squatter,” sending the greasy slumlord to jail and collecting rent on the property until the slumlord is freed. (more…)

Friendship: Is It Right for Me?
April 14, 2014

The following is a sponsored excerpt from the upcoming Self Actualization Manual: Your Better Self & You.

Chapter 5: Meeting New People

Think of all of the people in your life. How many of them do you know intimately by name, age, fears, dreams, and desires? Most of these people are liars. Until you can discern these facts for yourself, we shall label these people as acquaintances. You may be surprised to learn that almost everyone you’ve ever loved is no more than a stranger. After all these years… your coworkers, your parents, even Brenda! Thankfully there are techniques for turning these phonies into phriends.

But what is friends? Friendship is a legally binding contract between consenting adults who agree through sickness and in health to help each other move furniture in and out of domiciles, ritualize the anniversaries of their birth dates, and trade in an internalized currency known as “favors.” (more…)

Office Haikus
April 11, 2014

Hey Jim could you please
Set up our Google Plus page
It’s for linkbuilding

Yeah, I’m dialed in
Yeah, I can hear you clearly

Great Q1 earnings!
To celebrate, we’d like to
Have some more meetings (more…)

For My Son
April 10, 2014

For my son’s seventh birthday, I wanted to write him a little note, something to let him know how much I enjoy watching him grow as a person and how precious his milestones are to me, no matter how fleeting or insignificant they may seem. I couldn’t fit all that inside a farting Phineas and Ferb birthday card, but here it is anyway:

Dear Son,

I can’t believe you’re seven already! It seems like just yesterday we were bringing you home from the hospital. Wow, time flies. Before I know it, you’ll be a teenager, with friends and interests all your own. Then you’ll be driving (yikes!). Next thing I know, you’ll be eighteen, a man, searching for truth and love and adventure. I don’t know what you’ll find, but maybe along the way you’ll meet that special someone. The next thing I know, you’ll be married! Then work, and kids, a house–before I know it you’ll be my age now, busy with responsibilities, but still finding time to share a beer with your old man. Then “The Troubles” will begin in America. (more…)

Misplaced anger. HELP ME FIND IT YOU IDIOTS.

Lucia Brizzi

2058 years ago, Julius Caesar was assassinated. His final words: “Pizza, pizza.”

Shawn Carlow

Do you think anyone has ever gone into a restaurant, ordered a Pepsi, and been asked, “Is Coke okay?”

Maggie Henry

Feets by Dre: Gangsta Footy Pajamas

Ryan Budds

Step Up 2: Your Dad

Finn Straley

No pain, no gain. But no pain. Like, at all.

Ron Babcock

Paige’s Guide to the Galaxy
by Paige Weldon


Man of Letters
by Raj Desai


by Devin Field


I Like It Anyway
by James Austin Johnson

Foreign Correspondent
by Mark Mitchell


Little Known Facts
About Alaska
by Finn Straley



Songs are Sad and Unacceptable
by Rob Schultz


I wanted to be a trapeze artist until I discovered my fear of nets.

Jon Berahya

There were always hints I was my parents’ favorite child, like they’d cut me a bigger slice of cake, or let my brother die in a house fire.

C.J. Garrett

“What’s the pointe?” –Fatalistic ballerina

Laura Mannino

Six months ago I became a professional dog walker. As of this morning, my dog owes me three thousand dollars.

Dan Nielsen

I’m an open book. Specifically Message From Nam by Danielle Steel (paperback edition).

Chase Bernstein

I feel bad I don’t ask my therapist any questions.

Lucia Brizzi

What has two stars and an inflated sense of self importance over pancakes? My Yelp review of Denny’s in Burbank.

Rye Silverman

I would walk 500 miles, but probably not 500 more.

Paige Weldon

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