The Higgs Weldon
Pong: Brent/Cody Take First Step to Grandmaster
By
December 19, 2014

The smith hill regional pong tournament in Doug’s basement was the setting for triumph for two local grandmasters, Brent Sullivan and Cody Turnbull. The 19-year-old URI students captured the regional title as well as their first grand masters cup.

Brent scored 13-2 in the 10-cup international Dartmouth system event which was sponsored by Chad getting his paycheck early and buying that 30 rack. Cody and Brent topped a field of 20 players, including Dave, Rick, Ben, that other Dave who’s dating Sarah, and that older dude who hangs out sometimes.

Second prize went to Grandmasters Trent from Providence college, and that guy Ian who doesn’t go to school around here. The second place score was 6-21/2, because of Keith knocking over the table. (Real smooth move Keith.) (more…)

Customer Reviews of Sherlock Holmes’ Side Business as a Caricature Artist
By
December 18, 2014

“He drew a caricature of me cheating on my wife, and then explained how he figured it out. Something about my clothes. My wife was with me. 0 stars. Ruined my marriage.”

“He said he could ‘logically deduce’ by looking at my skin that I was in the early stages of hypothyroidism and then he drew me as a big fat guy and wrote ‘Future you’ on the top. I appreciate the diagnosis but the caricature was hurtful. 2 stars.”

“He said he could tell by the tan line on my ring finger that I was recently divorced and he drew a picture of me sleeping on a motel bed with a little word bubble that said ‘I’m lonely.’ This was supposed to be fun. 0 STARS.” (more…)

How to Write a Professional Resume
By
December 17, 2014

Step 1: Pick a Font! 

(Ring Ring) “Hello?” “Hi, it’s Times…New Roman…” “Oh that’s strange, I didn’t realize I had time traveled back to ’03 (click).” That’s right, TNR is over, it’s been done. You want your font to say something about who you are and ideally who you’d like to become. For me personally, I love to get down with Apple Chancery. It’s elegant without being too uptight, free without being too wild. Just like me. I am Apple Chancery.

Step 2: Pick a Font Size! 

“My word program is set to 12, so that’s usually the size I use.” Um okay, if your word program told you to jump off a cliff would you do it? Probably, you ignorant sheep. In other words, please remember that you have a choice. I like to set my font size to eight. Had to look a little closer to read that… did you not? And there you have it folks, you are trying to get these fat cat’s attention, and the best way to do that is to literally make them put their face right up to the screen, and that’s when you hit ‘em with the goods aka your life accomplishments. (more…)

Time to Change Your Password!
By
December 16, 2014

Stop right there, LS24129. It’s time to change your password. Our security procedures have been enhanced to protect your privacy so well, you won’t even be able to violate yourself.

Please enter an email address below and we will send a link to the new Password Change form. You may also enter a cellular telephone number to receive the link in a text message.

You have entered an email address. Are you sure you don’t want to enter a telephone number?

You have clicked Yes to indicate you are sure. If you are really sure, please re-enter “Yes” and type the two “Captcha!” words below to prove you are not a robot.

Please re-enter the two “Captcha!” words below, separated by a space. (more…)

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This Amazing New Antidepressant is Changing People’s Lives
LinkedIn Park
New Releases from the Samuel Freedom Catalogue of Sanitized American Plays for Conservative Christian Audiences
The Commencement Address of a Speaker Who Realizes He’s Lost His Wallet
Five Things I Wish I Knew Before I Summoned A Babylonian Demon
X-Men Fan Fiction Starring Wolverine, King of Claws
The Higgs Weldon Live December
Jury Duty
Life, Love and Other Mysteries: HOLLYWOOD
Remind Me to Never Buy Another Sweater

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