The Higgs Weldon
Subject: Why The Urgency?
By
October 23, 2017
 
Hi Pinkberry. 
 
Allow me to paint you a picture: It’s the last Sunday before Fall officially begins and I’ve just made an impossibly delicious salmon dinner. I cooked the fish in a pan with olive oil and freshly chopped garlic; cherry tomatoes and baby arugula kept it company. My boyfriend was devastated by how incredible it was. 
 
We wanted to top this meal off with something light yet sweet. Enter Pinkberry stage right. 
 
After a couple of dynamite samples we had both reached a decision when we suddenly remembered that we had a free, medium sized Pinkberry thanks to our rewards card. The night just kept getting better and better… or so we thought. 

(more…)

Your T-Shirt Says “America: If You Don’t Like It Here, I’ll Help You Pack” And I’d Like to Take You Up On That
By
October 20, 2017

Hello, sir? Excuse me. I’m sorry to bother you while you’re browsing the Polo Ralph Lauren display at Sunglass Hut, but I couldn’t help but notice the back of your t-shirt. Right beneath the portrait of just the head of a bald eagle superimposed over a waving American flag, it says “If You Don’t Like It Here, I’ll Help You Pack.”

Sir, I am SO glad I found you. I would love to take you up on that offer.

I believe I meet the criteria you lay out. I’m currently relocating to the North Side because the commute from this neighborhood is a drag. I can only afford a one bedroom here, with terrible natural light. Plus, I’m at that point in my life where in-unit laundry is non-negotiable.

In short, I don’t like it here!

I hope that qualifies me for your services, because the only thing worse than staying put is moving! I’d rather eat a dirty sock than put a sock in a suitcase. It’s so bad that I actually haven’t started packing at all, even though my lease is up on Sunday(more…)

That Time I Got Faced in Sixth Grade
By
October 19, 2017

It’s been twenty-six years, but I think I’ve finally gotten over that Facing in sixth grade.

No. I don’t think. I know I’ve gotten over it.

If you’re not woke, Facing, which was typically done by adolescent males (though it was by no means gender-exclusive), involved a Facer, palm over face, fingers splayed out like a starfish, yelling a variation of: “Faced! You got Faced! Ooohhh, Faced!” It was quite popular in the 80s and 90s. While Facing may have seemed a way to mock a peer innocuously, years of therapy make a nice counterpoint.

(Facing did come with a risk, as some Facees would smash the Facer’s hand into his face, causing the Facer to maybe bleed from his nose. Face Smashing was common when the Facee was bigger, stronger, or tougher than the Facer.)

I was a master Facer. Fastest gun in the West Philadelphia area, yet judicial in my usage. I also displayed magnanimity, many times deferring an obvious Face opportunity to others, so they could have some fun. Out of fear of a vicious Face reprisal, nobody dared Face me. (more…)

Little-known Facts About Supreme Court Justices
By
October 18, 2017

John Marshall’s greatest disappointment in life was being unable to grow a ponytail as long and bushy as Thomas Jefferson’s.  

Although Potter Stewart famously claimed to know pornography when he saw it, those who knew him well agreed that he had difficulty distinguishing politeness from genuine affection, sympathy from condescension, and weather balloons from UFOs.

Not only did John Catron steal Philip Pendleton Barber’s jokes, he also completely botched the punchlines. This led Barber to challenge Catron to a duel that was averted only when Caltron repeatedly forgot to bring his pistol to work.

William Brennan once penned a law review article passionately arguing that a wrongful civil act should be known as a “torte” and a rich cake a “tort,” an idea many legal scholars believe to be ahead of its time. (more…)

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