The Higgs Weldon
Death on Facebook
By
October 23, 2014

This post expresses sympathy via the modality of shock. Poster is unclear how anyone he or she knows and liked could have died, and may, in fact, be surprised to learn of death itself; has possibly been laboring under misperception regarding immortality. May also, based on FB photos, be a vampire, which would at least excuse some aspects of posting.

This poster is at a loss for words and has, instead, posted a flowery meme that includes a picture of a rainbow that she or he found on another friend’s wall to express solidarity in grief. This particular meme relates to the Rainbow Bridge, where deceased pets allegedly gather happily to await reunion with their deceased owners. Deceased in this case is human, and petless, but it’s the thought that counts. (more…)

Life Was Simpler When I Was Having Sex With Ghosts
By
October 22, 2014

I’ve been reflecting back on when my life was simpler. I’m talking about those lazy summers I used to spend at my family’s cabin on Camano Island. I look back fondly at afternoons spent riding my bike, swimming in the bay or having sex with the ghosts in the abandoned lighthouse. Those were the days!

I didn’t have to worry about emails or push notifications. I was more concerned with catching the ice cream truck in time to buy the last fudgecicle. Or answering the erotic call of the shadow-walkers in that old lighthouse. I’d wile away the hours flipping through my well-worn copy of The Hobbit, or going balls deep in some dark visitor from beyond the grave.

I learned so much in those summers. How to catch a Dungeoness crab with my bare hands. How to pleasure the spirit of a depression-era lighthouse keeper. (more…)

Landon Donovan’s Gatorade Farewell Ad
By
October 21, 2014

Filmed in black and white, fade in to Landon Donovan in the back of a cab on his way to the StubHub Center for his final professional game. Sinatra sings “My Way.” Donovan, dressed in his LA Galaxy warm-ups, stares out the window thoughtfully and sees sports page headlines about Kobe Bryant and Clayton Kershaw.

With the stadium visible in the distance, Donovan says to the driver, “You know what, stop here, I’ll walk the rest of the way.”

The driver looks at him quizzically as he pulls over. “Are you sure? I mean…”

“Yeah, I’m sure. It worked for Jeter,” Donovan says, handing the driver a small wad of cash. He steps out onto a sidewalk and starts walking, followed by a cameraman. (more…)

Life, Love and Other Mysteries: Sex, Business and ‘Zas
By
October 20, 2014
Zach Pugh

Illustration by Paige Weldon

Hey folks, welcome once again to this month’s edition of Life, Love and Other Mysteries with poet, wordsmith and man typing this sentence, Zach Pugh. A lot of my fans like to tell me that my advice has changed their life, and I tell them, “Of course it has!” While I could spend pages listing the lives I’ve changed, that’s not what we’re here for. Despite how generous and impressive it is. Incredible really…

This weeks questions:

Hey Zach,

Longtime reader, longtime caller of sex lines. My wife and I have been married for over 20 years. People always ask how we keep so much magic alive and the answer is simple: Constant f***ing. I mean a whole lot. But now my wife is asking me to perform acts that I’m not comfortable with. How can I stay comfortable while still seeming open to new things?

-Drayke, Chattanooga (more…)

Disney Projects in Development
Epilogues From My Lost Screenplay
Tombstone Goofs
Top 5 Ways to Have Fun While Being Treated for Depression!
7 Deadly Sins Only 90s Kids Will Be Smote by God for Committing
Behind the Meow-Sic: The Making of the Meow Mix Song
Which Dog is Partying Harder?
Monster Manual: Gym Edition
How to Avoid a Fight
The Roast of That Guy I Went on Like 4 Dates with Last Year
RoboCop’s OkCupid Profile
10 Ways to Deal with the Dreaded ‘Freshman 15′
Text Translation Guide: Drumk Txts
The Higgs Weldon Live: October 4!
Justine Barron’s Five-Year Plan to Success (and Possible MacArthur Genius Award)

If anyone would like to hear a list of things I don’t like, all you have to do is ask, or make eye contact, or be in my general vicinity.

Jeremiah Budin
(@Jerrt)

Whenever I am watching baseball I think about sex so I don’t cum too fast.

Christian Ricketts
(@Horse_Miracles)

My ideal porn would be two fully clothed people telling me I didn’t have to work a day job anymore.

Jake Weisman
(@weismanjake)

moreoneliners2
Want to be our best friend?
Donate to The HW!

Foreign Correspondent
by Mark Mitchell

mark

Life with Luchy
by Lucia Fasano

lucia

Ghost Free Ghost Stories
by Emily Faye

emily

Paige’s Guide to the Galaxy
by Paige Weldon

Paige

Dinner and a Movie
by Chase Bernstein

chase2

I Like It Anyway
by James Austin Johnson

Scientific Fiction
by Ivan Hernandez

ivan

Adam’s Book of Spells
by Adam Allgood

adambeard

Crapshoot
by Devin Field

devin4

Associatin’
with Allegra Ringo

allegra3

Life, Love and Other Mysteries
by Zach Pugh

zach

Higgin’ with Mr. Robin
by Robin Higgins

Robin

Songs are Sad and Unacceptable
by Rob Schultz

Rob

Man of Letters
by Raj Desai

raj

Little Known Facts
About Alaska
by Finn Straley

Finn_Alaska

 

facebookfooter twitterfooter tumblrfooter rssfooter

Sign up for our monthly email list!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>