The Higgs Weldon
My Online Dating Profile
By
April 24, 2014

My self-summary

Um lol ok here goes… I’m not good at writing about myself lol! I’m a nice girl looking for a partner in crime ;)! To be honest I just got out of a relationship but feel so ready to love again, maybe even the same person I loved before. Love to laugh, travel, my family, work out, drive by Kyle’s house with the windows down and music blasting so he knows how much fun I’m having without him, try different restaurants, recipes etc. Just loving life!

What I’m doing with my life

You mean when I’m not making the most insane chocolate chip cookies in the world ;)? I’m a pharmacist. No I can’t get you drugs lol! Unless you have a prescription ;) I love my job and helping people have medications, but I am definitely work hard play hard! That means taking time to be a great friend (wine!), going out (hello, dancing!) and hanging out with my amazing dog Kyle II. (more…)

A Screenplay Written by a Man Who Does Not Understand Standard Screenplay Formatting
By
April 23, 2014
Sometimes you must break yourself down…
AND REBUILD.(these lines are said by a guy who isnt in the movie but you can still hear his voice)
BUHBUBUBUBUBUBUBUBUBUBUBUBUBUBUBUBUBUBUBUBUBUBUBU
BUBUBUBUBUBUBUBUBUBUBUBUUBUBUBUBUBUBUBUBUBUBUBUBU
BUBUBUBUBUBUBUBUBUBUBUBUBUBUBUBUBUBUBUB(this is intense theme music like from the Bourne Movies)
BUBUBUBUBUBUBUBUBUBUBU

-during this music, we see a robot running from somethin. (more…)

8 Pickup Lines, If You Are a Settler of Catan
By
April 22, 2014

I’ll trade three ore and one wool for just one night with you, girl.

I know you keep rolling 8s, but you’re definitely a 10.

Let’s turn this settlement into a city, if you know what I’m sayin’.

You bring the grain. I’ll bring the wood.

Let’s get hexagonal, girl. (more…)

Lifehacks For Really, Really, Really, Really Depressed People
By
April 21, 2014

1. Getting too many calls from concerned friends? Put your cell phone on airplane mode! It’ll reduce the amount of “checking in” people do on you by 100%.

2. The average person wastes ten minutes a day in the shower. Why not apply more deodorant? It’s just as good, and you won’t have to see what overeating is doing to you!

3. A Costco membership will save you hundreds a year on the Hungry Man Dinners you’ve eaten twice a day, every day, since the divorce. They also sell cheap pizza slices that are great for eating alone in the car. (more…)

The Writer’s Dilemma
By
April 18, 2014

We are now accepting submissions for our Fall 2014 issue. The theme is The Eternal Question, whatever that might mean to you, or whatever it might not mean to you, and how it does or does not manifest in your life or someone else’s life, or in the absence of life, in the present, past, or future.

We seek fiction, non-fiction, short fiction, flash fiction, microfiction, nanofiction, micronanofiction, molecular fiction, and chocolate chip cookies (no nuts).

We look for writing that moves you, and writing that moves.

We prefer fresh, eternal, concise, verbose, socially aware, morally bankrupt, experimental, time-tested stories from new, emerging, and established writers. (more…)

Forthcoming Celebrity Headphone Brands
By
April 17, 2014

Riffs by Eddie Van Halen

Jams by Trey Anastasio

Funks by Anthony Kiedis and Flea

Whines by Chris Martin

Grunts by Russell Crowe

Noodles by Dave Matthews (more…)

Why You Will Never Be First to Board the Plane
By
April 17, 2014

The order of boarding a commercial aircraft has evolved into a high art that would astound the most caste-conscious Brahmans and impress even the snootiest of protocol counselors at the Court of Louis XVI. With the mergers of American and US Airways, and United and Continental, boarding priorities have been refined and consolidated. Here’s the transcript of the new order of boarding priority.

At this time, we’d like to announce the pre-boarding of the following:

• Galactic-Triple-Titanium-Stratosphere-Billion-Miler-Club members
• Uniformed members of the armed forces with two or more infants requiring assistance (more…)

Buying a Slow Cooker: Threshold to Adulthood
By
April 16, 2014

slowcookerfinal

  (more…)

Great news! I won a lifetime supply of condoms! *opens box, box is empty* OH REAL FUNNY PUBLISHER’S CLEARINGHOUSE REAL FUNNY >:(

Ivan Hernandez
(@ivan_hernandez)

Sometimes I feel like all we really know about fascists is how incredibly vulnerable they are to machines. I guess they’re just like us!

Rob Schultz
(@greenglassdoor)

I’m here to help! myself to these snacks.

Paige Weldon
(@paigeweldon)

You’ll All Be Sorry Once This Katana I Bought from Ebay Arrives: A Novel

Ivan Hernandez
(@ivan_hernandez)

I am the Thorax. I speak for the knees.

Maggie Henry
(@maggiehenrysays)

You are not your Fight Club reference.

Rye Silverman
(@ryesilverman)

Kokkinos Has Spoke-inos
by Asterios Kokkinos

asterios2

Adam’s Book of Spells
by Adam Allgood

adambeard

Scientific Fiction
by Ivan Hernandez

ivan

Foreign Correspondent
by Mark Mitchell

mark

Associatin’
with Allegra Ringo

allegra3

Paige’s Guide to the Galaxy
by Paige Weldon

Paige

Dinner and a Movie
by Chase Bernstein

chase2

Holding out for a gyro (waiting for Greek food)

Dan Smolinsky
(@DanSmolinsky)

My jokes are like my children. I hate all of them. They are ruining my life.

Jason Van Glass
(@JasonVanGlass)

If you want to go on vacation but can’t afford one, simply put your phone on airplane mode and slowly begin your descent into insanity.

Chase Bernstein
(@Chase__Chase)

Ugh look at that stupid hipster with his stupid hipster beard and dumb plaid shirt oh wait that’s a mirror hey there handsome

Asterios Kokkinos
(@asterios)

I stand up for what I believe in, which is lying down.

Paige Weldon
(@paigeweldon)

When you wish upon a star, your parents’ generation will tell you to stop wishing and start saving for retirement.

Ariana Freeman
(@ariafree)

Unless your baby’s name is Grudge, then no, I don’t want to hold it.

Eileen Mary O’Connell
(@i_Lean)

I read social cues at a third-grade level.

C.J. Garrett
(@GooseCJGarrett)

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