The Higgs Weldon
8 Upcoming Superhero Prequel Shows We’re Really Excited About
July 31, 2014

Ben and May. Before their nephew Peter Parker comes to live with them and is subsequently bitten by a radioactive spider and becomes Spider-Man, Ben and May Parker live out a quiet existence in their New York City apartment. (Spider-Man will not appear in Ben and May.)
The Ocean. Before Aquaman shows up to communicate with fish, the ocean is just a place where fish hang out and sometimes get eaten by sharks. (Aquaman will not appear in The Ocean.)

The Incredible Bruce. Before the radiation tests that got out of control and transformed him into the Incredible Hulk, Bruce Banner is just a regular scientist working on wacky, wacky experiments! (Hulk no appear in Incredible Bruce.) (more…)

Worst Ways to Act Casually
July 30, 2014

Flip a coin over and over again while hyperventilating.

High-five anything that moves.

Insist people call you “Nonchalanto Laidbackawitz.”

Wink at parked cars.

Introduce yourself, then vomit.

Sweet shades, hands in pockets, scream at your therapist for not “fixing you.” (more…)

A Sexy Sacrifice for a Serious Drought
July 29, 2014

California is currently experiencing a very serious drought. State officials have asked citizens to make small changes in their daily lives to conserve water, such as watering your lawn less, which, let’s face it, is a way rich and braggy people can help out, but what about everyone else? Let’s all go one step further and skip Shower Sex.

No more Shower Sex? I know. It’s a crazy proposition. I realize how important Shower Sex is (I capitalized it as a proper noun, didn’t I?) but hear me out. The environment, wildlife, and the future of my unborn child–who is going to become a mechanical engineer prodigy at age eleven so Mama can retire early–depends on it.

The only way we are going to get through this drought is if we are willing to make some significant sacrifices, and I‘m not talking about bathing your dog less frequently, which by the way, who gives a shit if your pit bull smells like his own feces for an extra day? (And that goes for you, too, Pitbull the rapper.) (more…)

The Higgs Weldon Live: August 2!
July 28, 2014

This Saturday! We will have games, cookies, buttons, zines and of course, spectacular unbelievable amazing incredible live comedy!

More details here!

Diseases Defined
Text Translation Guide: The Texts of Summer
America, I Think I’m Poor Enough to Be Your President
Life, Love and Other Mysteries: The Children
Wormhole Waterslide
To All Employees
Lukewarm Sex Tips
The Cast of a SyFy Movie Go to the DMV
Morning Stretches
Some Cool Tattoos to Consider
5 Dumb Questions for Norm Macdonald
Rejected Buzzfeed Quizzes
My Short Stint as a Phone Operator
Crucial Directions For My Wake: A Simple and Reasonable List for My Best Friend
McGallagher’s Special Goin’ Outta’ Business! Happy Hour Menu

facebookfooter twitterfooter tumblrfooter rssfooter

Sign up for our monthly email list!