The Higgs Weldon
After 50 Years of Marriage I Can Confidently Say: No Single Person Could Ever Make Me More Happy Than Stove-Top Macaroni and Cheese
March 22, 2018

I would like to thank everyone for being here today to celebrate the 50th anniversary of a most special day. My wife Amelia and I have spent the best years of our lives together. We’ve seen sunsets in Paris, sunrises in Hawaii, and the moon’s glow reflecting off the Mediterranean Sea. And after 50 years of marriage I can say with one hundred percent certainty; no single person could ever make me more happy than stovetop macaroni and cheese.

Don’t get me wrong – there are very few feelings greater than simply holding Amelia’s hand. There are fewer feelings greater than waking up alongside the smiling face that I first fell for all those many, many years ago. In fact, it just so happens that only superior feeling is standing in your kitchen and breathing in a full on face-blast of steam from a bowl of bright yellow macaroni and cheese. (more…)

Ways to Save Money
March 21, 2018

I am immigrant and, boy, am I proud of it! Growing up, I voraciously read Archie comics and Richie Rich comics and saw the pictures of Hostess Twinkies in the back and longed to eat them but my mother said, not so fast! You must work hard for everything in life. Twinky will turn to hay in mouth if you are not worthy of it. My mother just like God to me so I worked and worked at my vocabulary and my math and, you know, my dream came true and I landed in America.

First year, I lived in apartment with ten people. Slept on mattress found on sidewalk. Second year, I lived in apartment with ten people. Did only one phone call home, my mother asking me if I’m wearing my warm hat and if I’m topper in my class and when I’m getting job. (more…)

Press Release: Announcing Amazon Schools
March 20, 2018

SEATTLE–(BUSINESS WIRE)—February 20, 2018—(NASDAQ: AMZN) – Today, Amazon announced a new initiative that will change the face of education in America. Amazon Schools offers a unique alternative to public and private education, one (Prime Eligible) child at a time. 

Free for Prime members, Amazon Schools offers comprehensive liberal arts courses for grades K-12. Parents who sign up now can subscribe at a special introductory rate of $89 a year, which includes one year of Prime service. While the children are away at school, parents can access our expansive library of award-winning original films and television series, and treat themselves for tolerating the little terrors with FREE two-day shipping on millions of items!  (more…)

Things I’d Likely Do In the Event of a Zombie Apocalypse
March 19, 2018

Call my parents and tell them that I love them.

Relocate to Costco.

Finally have a legitimate reason to train for a marathon that doesn’t involve Instagram.

Bang my head against the wall for never learning how to shoot a gun. Feel incapable for several days.

Think of ways on how being the former captain of my high school dance team might come in handy. Feel incapable for several more days. (more…)

Styling Advice for Every Hair Type Written by Demons
My SNL Audition
The Climate is Changing, So is Snuggie’s Sales Strategy
Dating With A Dog Allergy
Excerpts from Treasure Hunter Brock Lovett’s Internal Monologue While Rose Calvert Talks About Being on the Titanic from the 1997 Film TITANIC
I Might Have Shot And Mutilated A Bald Eagle, But At Least I Didn’t Vote For Trump
The Old-Fashioned Way
The Lies of My Childhood
Euphemisms For ‘I Live With My Parents’
I Refuse to Use AirBnB Until I Am Able to Filter by Quantity of Paranormal Entities
Oh My God There Are Two Bunnies In The Supermarket
The New Teacher’s Checklist: 2018 & Beyond
I’ve Spent Years Honing My Craft As A Crisis Actor And You’re A Moron If You Think A Bunch Of Children Can Do What I Do
5 Times Thoughts and Prayers Totally Definitely Worked, Like For Sure

A zucchini is what I imagine happens to a cucumber if it doesn’t practice self care.

Bineet Kaur

feel like there’s nothing more disorienting than the moment they hand you your food in the drive thru and you just have to start driving like you don’t have a piece of heaven on your lap

Chase Bernstein

Shout out to the lord for literally doing the lord’s work

Chase Bernstein

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