The Higgs Weldon
My Brother’s Ghost
February 20, 2017

1487586967_1My brother is 13 years old. He plays video games, listens to rap, and calls every single one of his teachers a “pussy bitch” behind their backs. Especially his teacher “Mr. Ledesma”.Actually he says this exclusively towards Mr. Ledesma. Normally, I would discourage this type of behavior, but in all fairness, Ledesma teaches Algebra and gives extra homework. So the name calling is totally justifiable. All around, my brother is a pretty normal teenager. But lately, he has been acting a little bit different. He’s been having a lot of nightmares and as a result, he’s  losing sleep. My initial thought was “Damn, he got someone pregnant. Way to mess up your life!” But it was actually way worse!

My brother told me that lately, he’s been seeing the spirit of a little girl inside of his closet and regularly sees her  in his dreams. Upon hearing this I told him to “get the fuck away from me”. After a few minutes of collecting myself, I offered help to resolve this haunting.

For the rest of the night we stood up in hopes of capturing, destroying, and perhaps even killing this ghost. Yes, you can kill a ghost, like all things a bullet to the head will destroy it. Proven fact. Here is what happened: (more…)

You Think You’ve Got It Hard? Meet the 3-Legged-Dog I Sent To Buy Me Beer
February 17, 2017


We’ve all fallen on hard times, but through our toughest days, it’s important to remember that someone out there is going through trials we can’t even imagine. 

Take Max, the 9-year-old Golden Retriever I’m fostering while he recovers from a tragic car accident that took one of his legs and the lives of both his owners. Sounds like enough for one dog, right? Wrong. Because I just asked to go to the store and purchase me a 24 pack of “the cheapest thing they got.”

Wow. What a reminder that you truly never know what someone’s been through. Or where they’re going. (more…)

5 Hot Hairstyles That Will Change Your Life in 2017
February 16, 2017

1486867331_16_girl 1486867327_21_girl 1486867354_20_girl 1486867378_15_girl 1486867371_2_girl

Ladies, it’s February. One month into the new year and chances are you’ve already abandoned that gym membership and settled back into your routine of de-elasticized sweats and The Bachelor. Even if you climbed the stair master for 11 whole stairs and shoveled raw broccoli into your mouth for exactly three sad desk lunches, you saw no change in your level of self-loathing. And let’s face it, you likely won’t—unless you change your hair to change your life with these great styles for 2017.

1. The Long Bob

Some people call this The Lob, because it sounds cute! If you are afraid of commitment, this is the look for you. Make everyone slightly uncomfortable by making a change they can’t quite put their finger on. Intriguing! Mysterious! (more…)

Actually, Snakes Are More Afraid of What They Could Do to You Than You Are of Them
February 15, 2017


This, students, is a boa constrictor. Now, who would like to touch it? No one? Remember, even though snakes may seem scary, they’re actually more afraid of having to live with the guilt of killing you than you are of them!

It’s normal to be scared by snakes at first because they seem so bizarre to us and sometimes the unfamiliar can be scary. But the more you learn about snakes the more you realize that for them, what’s scarier than the unfamiliar is the familiar. Specifically the familiar urge to carry out the one task it was built for: murder. You see, they can’t help themselves. Even though their souls can experience the same feelings of love and community as yours, feelings of oneness with each living creature, they know the only oneness they’ll ever truly experience is in sating their bloodlust by turning another soul’s capacity for love into fat to be stored for the deep cold of night. This leaves our lizard friends in quite the philosophical pickle. (more…)

I Have Been Engaged For 24 Hours: Here Are The Answers To All Your Questions
Back at the Improv Lab – Tickets on sale now!
Cyrano de Dating App
How Come My Imaginary Friend Blimpychimp Won’t Fuck Me?
The People In The Town
Letter To Whomever Stole My Bike
America’s Top Spin Instructors (Who Are Definitely NOT Trapped In Spandex)
The Ocean Front Property I Purchased In Montana Appears To Be A Hoax
My Apologies
In Our Time of Need, A Zmail to the Cast of Zoom
A Scene from TombMates, a Sitcom About a Mummy & a Vampire Sharing an Apartment
How to Live Vicariously Through Your Genderqueer Child
Big Pharma Rebrands for the Medical Marijuana Era
Every Single Time I Took a Pregnancy Test
7 Things You’ll Only Understand If I Shout Them At You From My Mom’s Minivan

Let’s get this straight: first base is a kiss on the cheek. Second base is a kiss on the mouth. Third base is a kiss on the other cheek.

Andrew Martin

miss the simpler times when my biggest source of stress was whether a newlywed couple in iowa would choose the wrong house in house hunters

Chase Bernstein

Starting to feel insecure about how much younger the murderers in the news are than me.

Finn Straley

Want to be our best friend?
Donate to The HW!

by Devin Field



Adam’s Book of Spells
by Adam Allgood



Little Known Facts
About Alaska
by Finn Straley



Man of Letters
by Raj Desai


Songs are Sad and Unacceptable
by Rob Schultz



Paige Rage
by Paige Weldon



Dinner and a Movie
by Chase Bernstein



with Allegra Ringo


Belly Graphs
by Katie Vallely


Life, Love and Other Mysteries
by Zach Pugh


Higgin’ with Mr. Robin
by Robin Higgins


Foreign Correspondent
by Mark Mitchell


Bad News
by Logan Guntzelman


Kokkinos Has Spoke-inos
by Asterios Kokkinos


by Sam Wiles


facebookfooter twitterfooter tumblrfooter rssfooter

Sign up for our monthly email list!