The Higgs Weldon
Love Lettering
By
August 16, 2017

book-2115176_640 Some of the most exceptional men and women of the ages have attempted to capture the feelings that occur during the infatuation stage of a full-on romance. In honor of those brave soldiers (we’re all brave when we’re in love. It’s a lot like being drunk), I have extracted short segments from nine love letters of such smitten ones, and included them along with a Drunk-love-English to English translation, and a special-bonus professional analysis of each.

 

1. Oscar Wilde to Lord Alfred “Bosie” Douglas

What they said: “Your slim gilt soul walks between passion and poetry.”

How that works out in regular English: Your gold-leafed soul walks in an area which theoretically exists somewhere between passion and poetry. (more…)

Selected Items from The J. Kushner Company Catalog
By
August 15, 2017

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The Magnitsky Trench Coat

Orphans. They pull at your heartstrings. And at the sixteen pockets of this 100% Russian-imported cotton (no iron) trench coat. What you put in those pockets is your choice. What you wear under the trenchcoat is also your choice. May we suggest the Natasha Sheath Dress on page 16? Or perhaps nothing at all? Except it gets cold in Siberia so maybe the sheath is a better choice. When I ran wind sprints on the Siberian steppes, I always preferred a good sheath under my trench coat. And some long underwear. And hand warmers. And staying home in front of a fire. Adopt this trench today. It’s waiting for it’s forever home. (more…)

How A Nuclear Attack Will Affect You Based On Your Zodiac Sign
By
August 14, 2017
nuclear-weapons-test-67557_640
 
Leo – All eyes are on you this week, Leo. Bombastic and brave, this is your time to show everyone how strong you really are. Once that missile fires, it’s out of the office and back to the beach as you ride those crazy waves of summer fun and your mortality one last time. 
 
Virgo – Always in control and on course, Virgos have no time for all this drama. You’ll spend this weekend finally making that minimalist-chic bomb shelter from your Pinterest board come to life. As Saturn and North Korea enter your house of creativity, you’ll find that its the perfect time to experiment with some pastel concrete and really make this space your own.

(more…)

“Avatar” Series Lists the Next 9 Movies in the Franchise
By
August 11, 2017

avatar-sequels-delayed

List: Avatars 2-10

Hello! We here at the movie studio are so excited to announce that brilliant director James Cameron will be continuing his smash hit success ‘Avatar!’ Thanks to money, the next eight films are already in pre-production and we’re delighted to share with you the log lines of these small pieces of Mr. Cameron’s heart. Enjoy!

Avat2: Rise of the Planet of the Na’vi

After being banished from Pandora, humans must come to terms with the defeat at the hands of the Na’vi. But now that that war is over, the Na’vi want more. Led by Jake Sully (Sam Worthington!) and his fellow Avatars, Pandora looks to conquer Earth in the ultimate battle of David vs. Goliath. (more…)

You’re All Invited to My 2nd Annual Super Fun Vegan Barbecue!
A Tribute to Ogden Nash
The Meaning of Life A Podcast Report By: Max Turner Grade 6
Jugglers, Unite Against Our Common Enemy!
Rejected Emoji Movie Plotlines
An Obituary for the Coolest Christian
A New Uncle’s Fear
Film Credits for My Low Self-Esteem
Opinion: Why I’m a Vegan
Potential Names For Psychic Pop Stars
The All-Night Zombie Channel
Where Were You When William Howard Taft Got Stuck In A Bathtub?
Please Contribute to the Kickstarter for My Horror Film or My Wife Will Probably Divorce Me
Introducing: The McDonald’s 2017 Green Initiative
CONGRESSIONAL RECORD — TESTIMONY BY DORIS FLARN, THE SADDEST MAN IN THE WORLD

Nothing at all Freudian about my gf digging through her purse and giving me back my game boy

James Austin Johnson
(@shrimpJAJ)

Think I could threaten Larry The Cable Guy’s stand-up business model by becoming “Raj The Streaming Guy?”

Raj Desai
(@_rajdesai)

It’s crazy that they made 12 Apollo movies before the one that finally got them famous

Miles K
(@NotMilesK)

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