As we say hello to March, I’ve joined forces with my friend Lisa Curry to help you prepare for the season of renewal with some brand new life hacks.
Peanut Butter + Jelly + Bread = A Sandwich!
Take pictures of your friends holding things they borrow from you using your iPhone. That way no one will ever borrow anything from you ever again because you won’t have any friends!
Easy trick for folding a shirt! Go on YouTube and type in, “Oh my God, I’m an adult who has access to the Internet and YouTube but never learned how to fold a shirt!”
Use dental floss to remove food from between your teeth! Your dentist will be shocked! (more…)Songs Are Sad: Oscars Edition
Let’s face it readers, I don’t like you and you don’t like me, but what I really can’t stand are songs. Nothing ruins a jaunty tune faster than being paired with some dreadful poem.
Every now and then, there’s an appropriate time and place for a song, like at the funeral of someone who wasn’t particularly well-liked, or during a film when you want to give the audience a clue about what they’re supposed to be feeling.
This month, let’s celebrate the 86th Academy Awards by cherry-picking items from the ol’ mailbag that pertain to songs from films, and we’ll learn together just how sad they are: (more…)Dinner with Socrates
“Socrates, thank you for taking the time to come over to my place to have dinner. I’m thrilled and honored. When I applied to college and was asked who from history I’d most like to have dinner with, I never thought it could come true. But, here we are.”
“Yes, your university scientists do good job bringing me here to your era. I only just learn English but I happy to discuss with you here. This is first time I leave lab and I must get back to scientists soon, for how your scientists say–investigations.”
“I know, so while you help yourself to dinner, let’s get into it. I’m fascinated to know your thoughts on life. Tell me about the nature of humankind.” (more…)
Dear friends and loved ones,
I hate to do this in a mass email, but I don’t have much time. I have languages to learn, skills to master, inanimate objects to be. You see, late last night I discovered that I need to make some serious changes in my life.
First, I will be packing up and moving away from South Carolina forever, now that the “What State Should You Live In?” quiz proved that Wisconsin is my true home. I’m not sure why. I have never been to “The Show-Me State.” (I’ve got the right one, right?) But retaking it might make me biased and skew the results, and I want to be as scientific about this as possible. (more…)Little Known Facts About Alaska: Some Famous Alaskan Pioneers!
A quick look at the brave men and women who dedicated their lives to inhabiting an obviously uninhabitable wasteland.
Gryshnalnikov Starkinkalsky (1790-1804)
Gryshnalnikov Starkinkalsky, an admiral in the Russian navy, is notable for his attempts to settle southeast Alaska. He currently holds the military record for most battles lost in a single campaign against a native population, in addition to the record for most battles lost during a military career. According to Russian military custom he attempted to take his own life in shame, but was unable to do so before being killed by a small child. (more…)Hobby Corner: Fun Projects Using Only the Pipe Cleaners You Already Have Laying Around Your House
Pipe cleaners: we’ve all used them to clean pipes, but what else are they good for?
Unfortunately, scientists disagree. Some scientists believe that pipe cleaners can be used for fun crafts by children and adults. Many other scientists, however, have no professional opinion about pipe cleaners.
Because of the lack of an expert consensus, it’s more important than ever for consumers to inform themselves. As long as you proceed with caution, bending some pipe cleaners to look like little horses, and others to look like tiny cowboys, should be a delightful and rewarding project for a Sunday afternoon. (more…)9 Fun Things to Do with a Million Dollars
What to Do If You’re a Millionaire
(and you’re stuck in the past)
Oh perfect, you made it! Last week we talked about how to become a millionaire if you get stuck in the past. This week we’re going to talk about why.
Before we get to that, a word of warning that I probably should have passed along earlier. I have been doing some research and discovered a lot of people in different eras who were put to death while raving about their ideas for ridiculously era-inappropriate inventions. Let’s stop inventing the lightbulb before electricity, folks.
If you’ve got a sharp memory and you’re something of an historical daredevil, you can take the Benjamin Franklin approach and attempt to do everything interesting on two continents. (more…)House for Sale (Totally Not Haunted)
Check out this amazing house now, because it won’t be on the market for long! Built in the 18th century, this house is chock-full of history. It’s rumored that Benjamin Franklin briefly lived here during the war. (And that he permanently lives here now! Haha! Just kidding–not haunted.) Its location on top of the hill gives you all of the privacy you could ever want while still providing access to city living. Yes, you heard right! All of the benefits of rural life with the big, bustling city just a six-hour drive away! Perhaps the most enticing thing about this home, however, is its character. As with most old homes, there are some creeks, cracks, and get-out-now-while-you-have-your-souls when you open certain doors. We recommend WD-40! It has really helped with the majority of those issues. (more…)
Decided to name my space heater Kelvin Spacey.
Remember when I was a baby? That was cute of me.
Looking for love in all the wrong Sizzlers.
Eileen Mary O’Connell
I hate models. They never look like real life, normal-sized airplanes.
Everybody thinks I’m being serious just because I speak in a low monotone with no hint of inflection or basic humanity!
It’ll be a hot day in Reykjavik before we all agree on climate change.
“If my ex-wife was a Pokemon her type would be Poison.” –embittered old timey nerd comedian
Musical artists by autocorrect: The Flaming List. The Weekend. Radio head. Digit Rós. Tehran & Sara.
It’s hard to feel responsible when I’m not sure if there was ever a time that I was definitely sponsible.
Act your age, unless you’re 20.
A spider bit me when I was 4 and now my superpower is that my allergies bother me 95% of the time.
So What and the Seven Duhs
At the S&M Awards, it’s an honor just to be dominated.
We really have an epidemic of (did you ever notice there aren’t any cemeteries near hospitals?) A.D.D.