Drip. Drip. Drip. My moist palms showered the floor with nervous sweat as I climbed onto the stage. My whole family was in attendance: mom, dad, Uncle Sarah, Aunt Thor, and my goldfish Melvin.
“At least it’s just those five,” I thought, but then my Sprint Framily caught the corner of my eye. How could I have missed them? Their foam fingers and Bob Saget face cutouts (my personal role model) towered above the rest of the audience.
With each step my anxiety grew. This was my first trip to the Scripps National Spelling Bee. How I made it beyond the local and regional stages is beyond me, and everyone else for that matter. Joe Biden called my advancement an “abomination,” while Taylor Swift claimed it was the “reason for the teardrops on [her] guitar.” Taylor also commented “Why are you quoting me on such an old song?” (more…)10 Tips For Meeting Your Girlfriend’s Parents
Prepare Yourself Mentally
A lot can happen in this mental minefield of a meeting, so it’s important to keep an open mind, and be able to take on anything from missed connections, to awkward silences, to the possibility of her parents being wolves.
Dress For The Occasion
The way a man presents himself is a good indicator of who he is as a person, so it’s best to dress to impress. Make sure not only to show class, but appeal to their personal style too. For instance, if her parents just happen to be North American Gray Wolves, it’d be a smart move to dress in something light that will easily camouflage you to any forest or arctic tundra. (more…)Honest Wedding Invitations
I know this is kind of cheesy, but it was my birthday recently and I got a particularly sweet email from my mom. I just wanted to share it online. (Thanks for indulging me!)
Subject: Happy Birthday!
Happy 28th Birthday Sam!
We’re so proud of you! It seems like just yesterday you were putting your hand in your Ninja Turtles cake at your 4th birthday party. Do you remember your 10th birthday party when you got stuck in the ball pit at Chuck E Cheese? You told us to just leave you there! Haha, that was great. I think of all of your parties, I actually remember your 7th birthday party as my favorite. Do you remember that? We were at your Great Aunt Donna’s house, God rest her soul. Your sister was starting to really talk, and probably best of all we were all there together as a family. (more…)The Existential Crisis of Wile E. Coyote
I can’t cum unless I’m ignoring an email.
Never trust a bitch who doesn’t like sushi.
For Halloween, I’m going as your fear of commitment.