The Higgs Weldon
Enlightenment: One Subway Ride Away
September 3, 2015

Hello, my name is Dr. Isen and I’m here to lead you from the crowded underground of New York City to the apex of your own consciousness. In just a few short stops, you’ll be transported to a state of bliss before you even step into your office, your classroom, or that coffee shop you pretend to write novels in while stalking your more successful college classmates on Facebook.

So close your eyes, take a deep breath, and feel the head of the sleeping man next to you droop slowly onto your bosom. A long exhale should depress your chest far enough that he falls slightly and straightens himself with minimal prodding from you. (more…)

The Cast List
September 2, 2015

Below is the FINAL cast list for BHS’s fall production of Let’s Get Jaunty! the classic 1937 naval romp with music and lyrics by Cole Porter’s mentally ill half-brother, Jole. I want to stress again that these casting decisions are FINAL and NON-NEGOTIABLE and my office hours are ALWAYS CANCELLED no matter WHAT THE SCHOOL WEBSITE SAYS.

First Mate Cockney Ipswitch – Rodney Harrisburg (congrats!!!)

Ensign Shufflehoofer – Jake Davis

Virginia Sweetface – Candice Lipler (more…)

A Yelp Review of God
September 1, 2015

When I first heard about God, I was really psyched about the concept. It sounds great — you ask for stuff you want, and then this God entity helps you out. But, now, after being on Earth for awhile, I gotta say that this God guy has a lot of room for improvement. I mean, you gotta give it up for God in certain departments, but, in other departments, it’s like what’re you thinking, God? Uh, TRY AGAIN! Even though you’re the all-knowing/all-powerful entity in charge of Earth, I’m calling you out. I’m not a hater, but sorry, God, that’s what this forum’s for.

First, so I don’t seem too negative, let’s run down some of the pluses of God. Great job on flowers, good work with the oceans, mountains, and other natural beauty stuff. Natural beauty is naturally beautiful… NUFF SAID. (more…)

The Higgs Weldon Live Says Goodbye to the Neon Venus
August 31, 2015

Don’t miss our final show at the Neon Venus this Saturday!


I Livetweeted an Entire Airplane Helping a Baby Get to Sleep
Get Hired Using This One Simple Hack: Clickbait in Your Cover Letter
27 Ways to Know Whether or Not the Opossum Who Is Staring at You Is Going to Attack (as Determined by a Bear)
Amendments to “If You See Something Say Something”
Take as Directed
A Day in the Life of a Coffee Lover
Wrestlemania Matches: The Norton Anthology Of Literature Edition
Analysis Of Beta-Tested Tinder Profile Reviews
The Definitive Guide to Parenting
Cold Calling Jesus
Better Shoes for the Same Old You
Your Illuminati Today!
Deadly Missed Connection
2015 Ruddys (Paul Rudd Awards) Winners List
13 Reasons Why I Don’t Want to Have Kids

Damn girl are you an 800 page book about Nazi concentration camps because everyone finds my fascination with you unsettling.

Finn Straley

One man’s trash is another man’s trash, most likely.

Adam Rotstein

If anyone would like to hear a list of things I don’t like, all you have to do is ask, or make eye contact, or be in my general vicinity.

Jeremiah Budin

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Dinner and a Movie
by Chase Bernstein


Kokkinos Has Spoke-inos
by Asterios Kokkinos


Life, Love and Other Mysteries
by Zach Pugh


Scientific Fiction
by Ivan Hernandez


Adam’s Book of Spells
by Adam Allgood


Hangin’ in There
by Tim Vargulish


Just Joshin’ You
by Josh Edelman


Higgin’ with Mr. Robin
by Robin Higgins


with Allegra Ringo


Ghost Free Ghost Stories
by Emily Faye


If It Had Been Me
by Miles K


Man of Letters
by Raj Desai


Songs are Sad and Unacceptable
by Rob Schultz


Little Known Facts
About Alaska
by Finn Straley



Life with Luchy
by Lucia Fasano


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