The Higgs Weldon
Excerpts From My 4th Grade Diary Continued
By
April 24, 2015

diary

December 11, 1994

Dear Jurnal today something funny happened we were at Carneys and I said Jonny has always been here when I have then ten minutes later Jonny walked in my mom was laughing so hard well that’s a rap see ya.

Analysis: I have been crushing it with my mom since I was eight / Me and Jonny were constantly eating hot dogs from Carney’s and everyone was pretty okay with it.

December 13, 1994

Today was a better day with soccer I got the ball away from Andrew Felder one of the best players but I’m mad at Alexandria really mad. She’s gonna get it bye.  (more…)

The Perfect Morning Ritual
By
April 23, 2015

morning

Ritual V. Routine

It’s important to have a morning ritual. Some people like to say morning “routine,” which is in fact the incorrect term to use because of the connotations — for instance, performing blackface was called a “routine.” “Hey, come check out this blackface show,” some accidentally/purposefully racist would say, to which the masses would echo, “It’s the blackfaciest routine on Vaudeville!” You don’t want to be like that. Hell, magicians have routines. Talk about offensive.

A ritual, on the other hand (now I’m out of hands), suggests a spiritual, almost sacred act, and everyone loves vague spirituality, especially people who do yoga. They get it. They plant succulents in glass globes! They love rituals. See also: Satanic rituals. Who doesn’t love a good old Satanic ritual? So much mystery and violent sexuality!

Let’s get into it! (more…)

Top 5 Bird Poops on my Car
By
April 22, 2015

After multiple heated discussions with my editor*, this many-paragraphed opinion piece has been boiled down to its essentials. Here are the top five bird poops on my car.

5) THE FAMILIAR:

1

Pretty much your classic bird poop. Center of the roof on my 2013 Kia Rio (still under warranty). This poop has a recognizable shape and an unoriginal trajectory. However, it stands alone as the sole poop on top of my Rio, and for that it makes this list.

(more…)

Streaker for Hire
By
April 21, 2015

streaker

The terms are simple. For $200 I’ll streak your event. Completely nude, that’s correct. Just sneakers. I typically jog through the crowd in silence, but I can release a war cry if you’d prefer.

I’ve streaked weddings, football games, baby showers, piano recitals, you name it. Once I streaked a funeral.

Sometimes I wear a clear plastic band around my penis so that I don’t experience “cock bounce” in the event of being chased. But I can leave it off, if you’d prefer. Some people like the bounce.

I don’t get off sexually, no. For me the entire joy is simply running naked where nakedness has no earthly business and seeing the crowd’s reaction. People love it. (more…)

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