The Higgs Weldon
6 Movies From the 1980’s That Still Desperately Need Modern Sequels
September 22, 2017
I humbly propose the following guaranteed hits:
1. Cocktail II: On the Rocks – Tom Cruise returns as the charming bartender Brian Flannigan. The stakes have never been higher as Brian, ten years sober, is forced back into the scene due to a bartending emergency. To make matters worse, the new reckless bartender trainee he must contend with is none other than…the son he never knew he had!?  “Heh, reminds me of somebody I used to know”, somebody will say to Brian in the third act, triggering within him a profound realization that the kid shares characteristics with his own younger self.  Also, there will be a violent rock climbing race.  
2. Ferris Bueller’s Day in Court-  Everybody loves “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”, the harrowing tale of good-natured teenager Cameron Frye being manipulated into destructive behavior by the nefarious and egocentric Ferris Bueller.  The cruel antics of Ferris culminated with a mentally tormented Cameron kicking his father’s prized automobile out the window.  In the sequel, we learn that Cameron faced dire consequences for this act of uncharacteristic vandalism and spent many years in a medically induced coma. Now finally wakening, Cameron sets out on a quest for justice.


It’s True: I Was Catfished By A Spambot
September 21, 2017

I met Marc where so many modern romances begin: the Internet. @MarcTeachout responded to a tweet of mine about coffee with a sketchy-looking hyperlink: “love coffee but looking for an extra boost?” Risking cam girl pop ups and virus transfer, I clicked. 

The webpage discussed SoGlo, a company that sold “cutting-edge coffee products” infused with detoxifying “miracle berries” to make drinkers healthier and more energized than ever before. I was skeptical, but Marc appeared strikingly handsome in his avatar as he gazed into space while clutching a coffee mug. I signed up for the program and began DMing with Marc everyday.  Despite his incessant discussion of the company’s mission—to provide everyday people an opportunity to earn additional income while contributing to global awareness of miracle berries’ superfood qualities—I felt a closeness with him that I’d never felt before.  (more…)

So, You’ve Found Yourself on The Jungle Cruise
September 20, 2017

In the heart of Disney’s Magic Kingdom, a place of realized dreams and fantastic wonder, you seem to have found yourself on The Jungle Cruise.

Maybe following your children around and trudging under the sun for a few hours made you yearn for a place under the shade where you could sit down and relax for a bit to think about all the money you’ve spent. Or maybe you were truly enjoying yourself and unknowingly made the decision to ruin your day.

Regardless, you better prepare yourself for the least fun seven minutes in the world outside of having sex with Paul Ryan. (more…)

Increasingly Passive Aggressive Netflix Screensaver Prompts
September 19, 2017

Are you still watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians?

Are you SURE you are still watching Keeping Up With the Kardashians?

Do you want to maybe try watching something new?

Now Playing Keeping Up With the Kardashians for the fourth time this week.

I’m sorry, did you mean to rate Fuller House ⅘ stars?

I’m not a mind reader but that must have been a mistake… (more…)

How Transcendental Meditation Changed The Way I Look At The World And Made My Penis Bigger
I Didn’t Believe In Climate Change, Until I Realized How Hot Boiling Water Was
Advice On How to Hold the Best Generation Designation Reveal Party
Casting the Russia Investigation Mini-Series
The Man With All The Answers
Non-Spoiler Spoiler Alerts
Welcome to Country X: Notes for a Generic Travel Guide
Things I Would Do Instead of Walking My Dog
Oh The Places You Will Go With Your Hamilton Obsession
Flex Life
6 Teachers I Accidentally Called ‘Mother Of All Things Living And Dead’
This Is Why I, a Conservative, White, Man, Let My Wife Go to Planned Parenthood Once a Year as a Special Treat
Quentin Tarantino Character or Donald Trump?
What’s Included In My Feature-Length Fan Edit Of Law And Order: SVU Where Detective Eliot Stabler Is Grouting Tile
5 Social Situations When It Pays to Have Resting Bitch Face

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