The Higgs Weldon
The Higgs Weldon Live: August 2!
By
July 28, 2014

This Saturday! We will have games, cookies, buttons, zines and of course, spectacular unbelievable amazing incredible live comedy!

More details here!

Diseases Defined
By
July 28, 2014

Salmonella: What Rihanna serves when she has people over for din din, accompanied by a side of spinach ella ella ella.

Legionella: An annual music festival in Detroit that always results in the death of at least one and a half Kid Rock impersonators.

Nocardiosis: The hottest new anti-workout, which involves simply saying, “no,” to physical activity of any kind and then continuing to live with your body and life choices.

Tropical Ulcer: A potent strain of medicinal marijuana always recommended by a guy named Brad. Really smooth and relaxed high but unfortunately followed by the immediate death of a Kid Rock impersonator. (more…)

Text Translation Guide: The Texts of Summer
By
July 25, 2014

Summer is a terrible hell from which we will never escape, but texting is a great way to beat the heat! Here are some typical summertime texts and their true meanings.

“It’s a scorcher!” = “I’m your dad.”

“It’s so hot” = “Life is a nightmare from which we cannot wake up.”

“Wanna go to the beach?” = “I am brave. I fear not the coming tide, nor its sharks.” (more…)

America, I Think I’m Poor Enough to Be Your President
By
July 24, 2014

“[I’m the guy in] a mildly expensive suit… I don’t own a single stock or bond. I have no savings accounts.” – Joe Biden, CBS

“We had no money… and we struggled to, you know, piece together the resources for mortgages for houses, for Chelsea’s education.” – Hillary Clinton, ABC News

Ladies and gentlemen, while most politicians declare their intent to run for president with some ritzy, ooh-la-la spectacle at one of our district’s egregiously expensive-to-rent, symbolically high-ceilinged ballrooms meant for the 1%, I don’t relate to that. In fact, that’s why I’m making this announcement here at this D.C. Outback Steakhouse, which I’m pretty sure middle and lower class Americans can relate to. See, I’m not your standard Washington fat cat. In fact, I believe that I, former Senator John Clemmons of Texas, am the perfect choice to be your next President of the United States of America because I am so damn poor. (more…)

Life, Love and Other Mysteries: The Children
By
July 23, 2014

zach parenting

Welcome to another enlightening edition of Life, Love & Other Mysteries. This month a lot of readers had questions about raising and rearing their children. I often get these sorts of questions with my having raised seventeen children with seven different women. Whether you’re Steve Martin in Cheaper By The Dozen (on DVD & Blu-ray) or Steve Buscemi, I think you’ll find something here to help you through the kaa-raaazy–as the kids say–world of parenting!

Hey Zach,

Like you, I am also the father of seventeen beautiful children and I love most of them very much. The problem is that I also like having fun with my friends and whistling at pretty ladies down at the bar. I’ve calculated it out and I have enough free time to properly raise four of these things. How do I choose which ones?

-Rick, Jacksonville (more…)

Wormhole Waterslide
By
July 22, 2014

You have been waiting the whole school year for this.

Opening day at Aqua Rage Water Park.

Not only that, but it’s the grand opening of the Wormhole Waterslide.

And you have the first spot in line.

You camped out all night just to be the first to go down the Wormhole.

Your friends stand behind you, rock hard with envy.

“Go on kid, you’re holding up the line!” (more…)

To All Employees
By
July 21, 2014
Illustration by Robin Higgins

Illustration by Robin Higgins

I would like to address certain rumors.

Yes, one of the test monkeys escaped. Yes, that test monkey freed a test baboon. Yes, that test baboon freed a test orangutan. And yes, that test orangutan freed a control gorilla. None of these things are in dispute.

No, the freed test animals had not been granted enhanced intelligence and the gift of speech by genetic augmentation. They did not form a loose coalition of hyper-intelligent creatures hell bent on vengeance against the world of man and its inherently cruel nature. They did not, in their haste to escape, accidentally release a xenomorphic specimen which proceeded to stalk human and beast alike. (more…)

Lukewarm Sex Tips
By
July 18, 2014

Women’s magazines are full of “hot sex tips,” and “moves to make him scream,” but you don’t always have the energy for all that. Where’s a gal to turn when she just wants to make her man say, “meh?” Here are some tepid tips that will leave you both moaning, “…sure,” served sizzling warmish at room temperature.

Illustration by Paige Weldon

Illustration by Paige Weldon

Roses, the flowers that have represented love and romance and passion since the beginning of time, are expensive. They’re just going to die anyways! A bouquet of drugstore carnations will do just fine. You may have to pull them out of a pot that says “World’s Best Teacher” on it, but at least they’re something. (more…)

You can find me in the club, asking everyone I came with if they are ready to leave yet.

Jake Weisman
(@weismanjake)

So “Sunday Bloody Sunday” isn’t about brunch?

Tom McDonald
(@Kenxerox)

Wind chimes are such a cute invention. They can let you know if there’s a slight breeze in the air or perhaps a murderer on your porch.

Chase Bernstein
(@Chase__Chase)

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Life with Luchy
by Lucia Fasano

lucia

Songs are Sad and Unacceptable
by Rob Schultz

Rob

Scientific Fiction
by Ivan Hernandez

ivan

Man of Letters
by Raj Desai

raj

Higgin’ with Mr. Robin
by Robin Higgins

Robin

Kokkinos Has Spoke-inos
by Asterios Kokkinos

asterios2

Associatin’
with Allegra Ringo

allegra3

Just made the Huffington Post’s list of 27 Time-Travelling Maniacal Despots Under 27. Eat it, Per Degaton! Chew it, Kang!

Ivan Hernandez
(@ivan_hernandez)

I like dubstep because I miss dial-up.

C.J. Garrett
(@GooseCJGarrett)

If I were an insult comic my album would be called “LORD OF THE ZINGS.”

Finn Straley
(@straleyfm)

Is it a sext if I just say “hey I’m watching Aristocats alone again winky-face emoji?” It is, right?

Sophia Benoit
(@1followernodad)

“You know what sounds really good for dinner? Wings…West Wings.” –A joke I’m assuming Obama makes on the regs

Robin Higgins
(@RobinHiggins)

If your girlfriend ever asks you what color her eyes are, just say “mostly white.”

Jake Weisman
(@weismanjake)

Only complaint for 2014: not enough party busses yet.

Lucia Brizzi
(@luciabrizzi)

I don’t believe anything written in rhinestones.

Sophia Benoit
(@1followernodad)

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