The Higgs Weldon
Landon Donovan’s Gatorade Farewell Ad
By
October 21, 2014

Filmed in black and white, fade in to Landon Donovan in the back of a cab on his way to the StubHub Center for his final professional game. Sinatra sings “My Way.” Donovan, dressed in his LA Galaxy warm-ups, stares out the window thoughtfully and sees sports page headlines about Kobe Bryant and Clayton Kershaw.

With the stadium visible in the distance, Donovan says to the driver, “You know what, stop here, I’ll walk the rest of the way.”

The driver looks at him quizzically as he pulls over. “Are you sure? I mean…”

“Yeah, I’m sure. It worked for Jeter,” Donovan says, handing the driver a small wad of cash. He steps out onto a sidewalk and starts walking, followed by a cameraman. (more…)

Life, Love and Other Mysteries: Sex, Business and ‘Zas
By
October 20, 2014
Zach Pugh

Illustration by Paige Weldon

Hey folks, welcome once again to this month’s edition of Life, Love and Other Mysteries with poet, wordsmith and man typing this sentence, Zach Pugh. A lot of my fans like to tell me that my advice has changed their life, and I tell them, “Of course it has!” While I could spend pages listing the lives I’ve changed, that’s not what we’re here for. Despite how generous and impressive it is. Incredible really…

This weeks questions:

Hey Zach,

Longtime reader, longtime caller of sex lines. My wife and I have been married for over 20 years. People always ask how we keep so much magic alive and the answer is simple: Constant f***ing. I mean a whole lot. But now my wife is asking me to perform acts that I’m not comfortable with. How can I stay comfortable while still seeming open to new things?

-Drayke, Chattanooga (more…)

Disney Projects in Development
By
October 17, 2014

Today we have an exclusive preview of some of the upcoming animated features in production at Disney. Everyone knows and loves the unmistakable way that Disney tells stories, and as you’ll see, our continued mission is to keep that legacy alive and well while continuing to appeal to new generations.

Coming hot off the heels of the massive success Frozen, we’re developing another princess movie titled with a natural phenomenon of the elements. Loosely based on The Little Match Girl, we present:

Scorched

Liesl lives in poverty with her father and sells matches to help them survive. One day when she’s out in the streets trying to sell, a man says that he will buy all of her matches if she’ll marry him and come live in his halfway-decent home. She does, and he quickly reveals himself to be a terrible monster. In her miserable state, her pyromaniac instincts surface and reveal themselves. Her only companion is a cockroach named Scoots. (more…)

Epilogues From My Lost Screenplay
By
October 16, 2014

Nine years! Nine years I labored over my screenplay, Remember Tomorrow, a coming-of-age dramedy about a group of teens working at a haunted Build-A-Bear with a cyborg cat. One swipe of raspberry iced tea onto my laptop and – zap! – it’s gone. Except for the last page:

REMEMBER TOMORROW              9/19/05                pg. 177.

Pepper tosses her arm crutches aside and joins Jesse, Tex, Tiffany-Ann, D’ontrell, and Robo-Cat in a group high-five.

FREEEZE FRAME on high-five:

TEXT SCROLL:

PEPPER: Went on to write a best-selling series of “tween” novels based on her experiences that summer at Build-A-Bear. (more…)

Tombstone Goofs
Top 5 Ways to Have Fun While Being Treated for Depression!
7 Deadly Sins Only 90s Kids Will Be Smote by God for Committing
Behind the Meow-Sic: The Making of the Meow Mix Song
Which Dog is Partying Harder?
Monster Manual: Gym Edition
How to Avoid a Fight
The Roast of That Guy I Went on Like 4 Dates with Last Year
RoboCop’s OkCupid Profile
10 Ways to Deal with the Dreaded ‘Freshman 15′
Text Translation Guide: Drumk Txts
The Higgs Weldon Live: October 4!
Justine Barron’s Five-Year Plan to Success (and Possible MacArthur Genius Award)
Being a Court Jester Is Not All It’s Cracked Up to Be
Which Dog is Dumber?

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