The Higgs Weldon
Thank You For Auditioning. Unfortunately, You Do Not Fit Our Director’s Fevered Vision
By
June 23, 2017

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Hello again!

I just wanted to say thank you so much for coming out and auditioning for the part of Michael in our new web series Off-Kilter. It was a pleasure to meet you and we thoroughly enjoyed your performance as a young white millennial struggling to date in LA. Unfortunately, while we think you would be a great fit for the project, last night our director had an intense fevered vision that left him shaking uncontrollably and muttering the phrase “the colony of Ur” over and over until the sun came up, and because of that, we have decided to take the project in a different direction. (more…)

If You Wanna Be My Lover, You Gotta Get With My Kraken
By
June 22, 2017
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If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends 
Some people are blessed with a large social circle. I am not one of them: I have one friend, who is very large. It is my Kraken, Bernice. Should we date, you must ‘get with’ my Kraken on an emotional level, or the spark will fade between us and I will eventually un-match you on Tinder after a long, minimally-engaging back-and-forth.
 
Make it last forever, friendship never ends!
The deep-sea Kraken has a lifespan of 2500 years — Bernice will not only outlive me, her sea-bound vengeance will haunt your ancestors for generations on every drunken college beach weekend and Disney-themed family cruise. This is one more reason why if we should date, you have no choice but to also befriend my Kraken.

(more…)

Airbud Franchise Revival
By
June 21, 2017

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Almost 20 years ago the entire movie industry changed forever, and arguably for the better with the 1997 theatrical release of the movie Airbud. A movie that gave dogs the opportunity to show humans that they too, can play sports if given the tools to succeed. A true story of triumph, and of basketball. A movie that showed everyone that if you exploit an animal hard enough you can get a championship and fourteen total movies. Without Airbud we may have never gotten such movies as Soccer Dog, Firehouse Dog, or Fluke. All movies where animals are unwanted until they are needed for personal gain or to detract feelings of loneliness/loss.

The last Airbud spinoff came in 2013, entitled: Space Buddies, where the dogs have to go into space. In this same movie there is a dog that wears a necklace and talks like an urban teenager, and says “dawg!” a lot. Get it? Anyway, I would love for this movie to continue to try things that are ridiculous, so here are a few new Airbud movie ideas that I will literally let Disney have. (more…)

I Have Eliminated All Of My Enemies. Now What?!
By
June 20, 2017

1497862298_Layer-28I am having a crisis! After running over this woman who didn’t put her shopping cart away last week at the grocery store, I have officially eliminated all of my enemies. Cool, right?

Wrong!

Now I have nothing to do.

(I thought I had so many more enemies than this.)

I have spent my entire life looking for ways to spell the downfall of people who don‘t let their dogs smell anything when they take them out for a walk or guys who put sunglasses on the back of their heads when they aren’t using them, as if that didn‘t obviously look fucking stupid. Well, they are all gone now and I have no idea what to do with myself. Can you help me?!

What do people usually do when they have vanquished everybody who opposes them? (more…)

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