The Higgs Weldon
Remind Me to Never Buy Another Sweater
November 25, 2014

Dear, could you do me a favor?

Next time we’re walking through the mall or we find ourselves in the shopping district and I happen to go be drawn into a store because of a particularly appealing outfit on a mannequin, could you please remind me that I never need to buy another sweater as long as I live?

Here’s how I came to that realization: I did an inventory of all my pullovers, zip-ups and cardigans, and then estimated my expected lifespan based on my body mass index, the ages of my grandparents when they died, and the fact that I eat ten almonds every day. What I discovered was instructive to say the least. If I wear my current sweater collection at a reasonable frequency and each item frays or pills at the expected rate, even if I live beyond the ripe age predicted by my good eating habits and genetic indicators, my children and grandchildren will inherit an enviable cohort of cozy jumpers. (more…)

Reeves’ Recipes: Thanksgiving Turkey Edition
By and
November 24, 2014

Ingredients: What You Will Need

- One turkey

I would like to begin by saying one turkey is the minimum amount of turkeys you will need for this recipe but by no means is it the maximum; personally I could envision myself having up to 6 wild as all hell turkeys so that I could potentially feed the entire cast and crew of a little film of mine from ’95 called A Walk In The Clouds.

I do find the freshest turkeys to be those from the forest of devoted Lakers fan as well as former Something’s Gotta Give co-star Jack Nicholson. If you can’t reserve one of Jack’s top notch turkeys, I suppose there is bound to be an Albertson’s you could pillage and maybe while you’re there you could picture the disappointment cloaked on the faces of your friends and loves ones whilst they reluctantly eat your bargain bird. (more…)

An Inspirational Quote from Adam Allgood
November 21, 2014

IMG_0051 (more…)

Five Unread Messages From
November 20, 2014

From: David Helgins <>
Date: Tuesday, Sept. 2, 2014, 10:41 a.m.
Subject: Thank You For Joining LoveFindr

Thank you for signing up for, Where All Your Love Will Be Found™. As the LoveFoundr, I’m letting you know we desire your feedback. Feel free to message us any thoughts, suggestions or great stories from using LoveFindr. We can only go so far on our own, so with your feedback we can make your LoveXperience even better.

May You Find Your Love™,
David Helgins, CEO/LoveFoundr,  (more…)

Pitchfork Media Reviews an Actual Pitchfork
Five Tips to Help Techies Embrace Fashion
Best Names For Boats
11 Optical Illusions That Will Blow Your Mind
Potential Advertising Slogans For The Toaster Oven
Why We Ate Mark
Going for Stardom
Thanksgiving Haikus by Pistachio
I’m Enlisting a Team of Heroes to Save the World
Highly Successful Alternatives to Alcoholics Anonymous
Presidential Trivia
American Psychiatric Association Guidelines for Preparing Frozen Meals
Beauty & The Beast Go Clubbing
Text Translation Guide: Texts From Hell
The Higgs Weldon Live November

facebookfooter twitterfooter tumblrfooter rssfooter

Sign up for our monthly email list!