The Higgs Weldon
What Your Engagement Photo Really Says About Your Relationship
May 6, 2016


He asked your father for his blessing. He got down on one knee. He posted some Facebook status that “She said yes!” or “I’m marrying my best friend.” You are ALMOST officially engaged. All that remains is 2 hours in a field with the love of your life and a stranger in a black turtleneck and an infinity scarf. This photo session will dictate how your friends and family judge your wedding planning, and your entire future together. So choose your photo wisely because here’s what those photos really say about your relationship… (more…)

List of Short Lists
May 5, 2016

Famous Swoosies.

Great moments in meatpacking history.

Symphonies recorded LIVE FROM THE MEN’S ROOM!

Weather reports predicting a partly sunny Monday, chance of showers, high around 60. Clear and cold Monday night, lows around 30. Tuesday, the Apocalypse.

Cats who wear hats or truly care what you have to say.

Visits to the doctor’s office when it paid to dress nice. (more…)

Reactions That Facebook Forgot
May 3, 2016

How can you afford to be constantly traveling the world

There’s just no way you’re changing my mind on this

A psychologist would classify this as a manic episode

Someone needs to learn the difference between “to” and “too”

This is a few paragraphs short of a manifesto

For the love of God, Mom, stop sharing every status I post

Did you even open this article before you posted it (more…)

My True Calling Is Managing This Denny’s: A Message from Pope Benedict XVI
May 2, 2016

I get it. Once Cool Pope hit the scene, people rushed to forget about Emperor Palpatine Pope. And that’s fine. Francis is doing God’s work, literally, and his flock loves him for it. It allows me time to be the type of night manager this Secaucus, New Jersey Denny’s needs and deserves. I used to be God’s earthly agent, and now I represent Denny’s franchisee number 2259, Akash Singh of Teaneck, New Jersey.

This is a coming out for me, in a manner of speaking. No, not that kind! I was the head of the church, not some parish priest we hid in Boston. This is the first time I’ve publicly revealed my career transition.

Did I have other options when I retired? Sure. There are plenty of parishes in Berlin that would have loved to add a little star power to their rosters. When you reached the pinnacle of your profession, it’s difficult to accept a smaller role in the same field. (more…)

Things That’ll Make You Nostalgic for Pangaea
We Need to Talk About Zika for Like 10 Seconds
Questions to Ask If You Suspect You Might Be Living in an HGTV Show
Proposal of Marriage with a Mutual Aquaintance
Animals Pitch the Network
5 Reasons Your 3’s Are Definitely Better Than Your 2’s
A Foodie’s Recipe to a Revenge Best Served
Twas the Day Fore 4/20
Jokes For Children (Not Really) Part 1
Winning Chopped Dishes
Inspirational Quotes for Conspiracy Theorists
My 44th Annual Acceptance Speech
Friendship Encounter Satisfaction Survey
Amazon Dash Button Rejects
Ad Campaigns For Adult Dodgeball

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