Good Cop: So, look, we got two witnesses that say you were outside the bank.
Suspect: Doesn’t mean I did shit?
Good Cop: I guess, but, you work with me, I’ll work with you. I’ll let the D.A. know you were cooperative.
Suspect: I know this routine. You’re the good cop and this sad looking asshole is the bad cop.
Good Cop: No, he’s not the bad cop. He’s my partner Fitzy. I got stuck with him. He’s not bad, but frankly, as you noticed, he’s depressing as hell to be around.
Suspect: Well, does he even talk? (more…)
Ingredients: What you will need
-3 pounds of boiling potatoes, peeled
Boiling is a word you should all be familiar with as it was used many times in conjunction with the word “hot” to describe my riveting performance in the 1994 edge of your seat thriller Speed. Peeled is what your eyes should be for an untitled film I just wrapped that should be hitting theaters around summer twenty sixteen. And speaking of three pounds, I just added that exact amount of muscle to my right tricep. Life’s good.
“But Keevey Reevey, does it matter what color potatoes I get?” Okay first of all, Keevey Reevey is a nickname that James Spader and only James Spader, my costar in the widely unappreciated film The Watcher, is allowed to call me, so whoever told you it was okay to call me that was a Jimmy Spader impersonator and the authorities should get involved. (more…)
Bring your own Tofurkey.
Meat substitutes are not just a delicious source of protein, but also “a goddamn disgrace.” Dad will sneer at your meal and mutter that God gave us teeth so we could eat meat. Offer him a bite of your soy protein product. Huzzah! You are now officially a “goddamn ungrateful spoiled kid.” You surely gave him the bite to question his manhood. There is no possible way you offered him the tofurkey out of politeness, because everyone knows tofu is the destroyer of masculinity.
Don’t close your eyes when Grandma says grace.
Grandma can sense when your eyes are open. She knows, and so does the lord. Furthermore, she plans on telling her buddy God after dessert what a bawdy heathen you are for leaving your eyes open. Why are your eyes open? So you can see all of the unbridled sin your generation swims in like so much spicy mustard? Follow this up by not saying “Amen” after the grace. What’s next? Drugs? Stealing? Sex with someone of a different race? Nevermind that no one in your immediate family is religious: pretending to be Christian on holidays is the polite thing to do. What would the neighbors think? (more…)