The Higgs Weldon
7 Successful Habits From Ranger, A Corporate Puppy Newly Hired At Christmas
By
February 23, 2018

I can’t overemphasize the importance of getting an early start every day. As leader of this new family, I have to set a good example. Things were pretty lax when I came on board, but little by little they’re learning how to do things the right way—the Ranger Way!

4:30am           Up and at ‘em. Time to for an early workout! Run three circles around the woman’s side of the bed and pee on the rug.

4:40am           Head to the kitchen for breakfast. Knock over my food and water then return to the woman’s side of the bed whimpering that I’m starving.

4:50am           Find the cat’s litter box and go for a morning roll. It’s best for an important puppy like me to look and smell fresh.

5:10am           Organize toys according to rope length or bone texture. Make sure squeaky chipmunk toys and squeaky Mr. Squirrel are ready for action. (more…)

Six Theories on the Kennedy Assassination (Ranked by The Likeability of People Who Believe Them)
By
February 22, 2018

If you’re anything like me, you generally judge people solely on who they think was responsible for the assassination of President John F. Kennedy in Dallas on November 22nd, 1963. Instead of choosing who you associate yourself with based on their “personality” or other arbitrary measurements, this is far simpler and more efficient. The JFK assassination is one of few topics in the American zeitgeist of which there are dozens of opinions one could have. And people conveniently fall in to specific categories based on their belief.

6. The Warren Commission’s Findings

The Theory:

Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone in killing the President, shooting him from the fifth floor of the Texas Schoolbook Depository. As reported in the findings of the Warren Commission. (more…)

Increasingly Desperate Craigslist Ads For Our Struggling Ghostbusting Service
By
February 21, 2018

12.03.

Is there something strange in your domestic space and/or object of personal value? Well, you know who to Whatsapp message: the Smithee Brothers, licensed ghostbusting professionals. Trust in our years of experience in the paranormal and the hunting of such, and let us rid you of that ghostly invader! Arrange for us to do a risk-free examination (travel expenses not incl.) of your situation (full discretion guaranteed), so that we can properly assess the type of specter we’d be dealing with. Pricing categories range from “nuisance from the beyond” at $499 to “full-blown parademon nightmare” at a very reasonably priced $3,499.

Full disclosure: Often enough, we’ll find that personal stress and/or living in an old house which has been labelled haunted by the local children and/or sightseeing tour guides will add to the overall rate of imagined ghostliness. But hey, at least you’ll have proof that it’s all in your head – so get your peace of mind today! (more…)

My Favorite British Adaptations of American TV
By
February 20, 2018

Community = A Really Wonky Uni

Entourage = A Buncha Bruvs

Cheers = Shite Pub, Innit?

Veep = Not The Prime Minister, The Other One

Cash Cab = Q’s In The Pound Carriage (more…)

Hey There, I Noticed You Didn’t Invite Me To Your Wedding
I Used The Google Arts And Culture Selfie Feature And Now I’m A Mindless Husk
An Alert About Giving Birth in September From Plan Your Parenthood By the Month
Dear Sweet Greens
The Origin of Monopoly
We Toured the Americana at Brand Luxury Apartments
Possible Reasons Your Rush Hour Train Has Been Standing For 15 Minutes
Too Dumb To Vote
The “About” Section of an Amateur Actor’s New Website
Why I Haven’t Written an Article in a Year (An Apology to All My Loyal Fan)
My Letter to the CEO of Souplantation/Sweet Tomatoes, And His Response
Monster Pie – Best of the Higgs Weldon
This Amazing New Antidepressant is Changing People’s Lives – Best of the Higgs Weldon
Get Protected with LYFE LOCK® – Best of the Higgs Weldon
11 GIFs That Prove “Who Framed Roger Rabbit” is the Answer – Best of the Higgs Weldon

I’ve got more malapropisms than you can shake a stork at.

Daniel DiPrinzio
(@MrLarrySellers)

A Peppermint Mocha is the coffee shop equivalent to drinking orange juice right after you’ve brushed your teeth.

Kathleen DeMarle
(@kdemarle)

A good way to avoid being wrong is to not have opinions about anything.

Finn Straley
(@finnstraley)

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Sammwich
by Sam Wiles

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Paige Rage
by Paige Weldon

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Arugula, Of Course
by Nevin Sharma

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Dear Abby
by Harris Mayersohn

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Dinner and a Movie
by Chase Bernstein

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Bad News
by Logan Guntzelman

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Ghost Free Ghost Stories
by Emily Faye

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Hit-Or-Miss
by Vince Caldera

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If It Had Been Me
by Miles K

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Adam’s Book of Spells
by Adam Allgood

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Hangin’ in There
by Tim Vargulish

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Foreign Correspondent
by Mark Mitchell

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Man of Letters
by Raj Desai

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D-Day
by Devin Blake

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Belly Graphs
by Katie Vallely

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