The Higgs Weldon
Christian Pick-up Lines
By
August 27, 2014

Did it hurt? When you fell from Heaven… because you have led a pious life and accepted Jesus Christ as your lord and savior.

Are you religious? Because you’re the answer to my prayers… and because I only date people who have accepted Jesus Christ as their lord and savior.

Is it hot in here or is it just you… you heathen atheist. Why hath thou brought the fires of hell upon the earth?

Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only 10 I see… and because statistically speaking there is a greater likelihood that you have accepted Jesus Christ as your lord and savior if you are from the South. (more…)

Before I Invent My Own Island on Wikipedia
By
August 26, 2014

Text #1:  Hey Cassidy before I invent my own island on Wikipedia’s map of the world just wanted to get ur stamp of approval on a few things. If all right? If not no worries! Just know this island wont happen in the same way without ur involvement. Call me. (or text)

Text #2: About the Wikipedia island cuz maybe u want background??? While I was backpacking in Europe 2 summers ago I met a guy who knew another guy – a genius – who used to date this French chick (tall, leggy, stork-like) who I was making out with a bunch in my youth hostel in Paris (before I met u – she meant nothing) and this genius of a guy anyway invented his own island on Wikipedia. And it’s still on there! As in it ACTUALLY EXISTS ON WIKIPEDIAS MAP OF THE WORLD AS A REAL PLACE. Its near Indonesia or some shit but to be clear it’s not a real island. U can’t fly or boat to it because it’s not actually out there. But on Wikipedia what is known as the internet’s most reliable source of knowledge it lives! We could do this… (more…)

Life, Love & Other Mysteries: The Past
By
August 25, 2014

Hello gang. Welcome back to another edition of Life, Love & Other Mysteries with master storyteller and calligraphist Zach Pugh. Fans of the column may notice there aren’t any questions listed below. That’s because today I’d like to tell a story. A story about the day I met my third wife. I know many of you come here for answers to life’s greatest questions, but I think this story has lessons worth a thousand questions.

It was 2006. El Paso, Texas. Great man and brilliant artist George W. Bush was still in office. Jay-Z had just dropped Kingdom Come. My second wife, Trisha, had left me a few years before. But I had dismounted well. I was riding high off the wild success (Tens of hundreds of copies!) of my comedic novel Cat’s Out of the Bag, I Hate You Trisha! I was living a life of excess. I had a duplex I shared with two women who were both madly in love with me. It was like a Three’s Company porno. Every day was just a fucking blur of illicit substances and illegal positions. These women, I tell ya. I’d have married both of them if it was legal and I could afford another divorce. We’d have six kids total, three from each of them. And they’d become great friends with a couple of my already seven other children. It would’ve been a dream… (more…)

Which Dog is Hotter?
By
August 22, 2014

dog

Which Dog is Hotter?

Try to guess which dog is hotter in this summer themed quiz!

NSA University Alumni News
Which is the Real Laffy Taffy Punchline?
Memo to City Employees
Monthly Newsletter for Paige Weldon Subscribers
Notice from the Mayor’s Office
Ellen’s Selfless Act
Catchphrases
Different Paths
Clickbait Pornography
A Proposal for Rosetta Stone
Get to Know a Champion, with Ron Babcock
The Classic Story: Boy Meets Girl (Who is Friends with Marissa)
Robot Celebrities
An Insurance Claim Letter Addressed to a Traveling Salesman
The Higgs Weldon Live: August 2!

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