The Higgs Weldon
We Need to Stop Normalizing Pennywise, the Dancing Clown
December 14, 2017

I can’t believe I have to say this in 2017 but: serial murdering is wrong. Whether it’s everyday knifemurder, or supernatural soul-murder, it just cannot be tolerated. And that is why we need to stop normalizing Pennywise, the dancing clown.

Pennywise is a trans-dimensional evil force who steals the souls of children. Do you need to know more? I sure don’t – but tell that to the makers of “It (2017)!” We’re introduced to Pennywise as he comforts a little boy, offering to return his lost boat. Not three seconds later, Mister Manners devours the boy’s arm with his hideous shark-mouth. But let’s give him a pass because he’s so “polite!” (more…)

Important Information About Our Important And Informative Meeting
December 13, 2017

Everything you need to know about the important and informative meeting you are about to experience.

Welcome to our important and informative meeting! The way you will be able to tell that it is important and informative is by remembering that we told you it would be at the beginning of the meeting. So, if you start to doubt the point of this meeting remember: This meeting is important and informative.

Also remember that this is a mandatory meeting. We want to shame and belittle people who aren’t here, but we don’t want to belittle the wrong people, so please sign in! We have a fingerprint scanner so we know it is you and not a colleague you taught to forge your signature. If you are thinking about signing in and leaving, we’ve hired Ron and Kevin from Sadie’s Beer Lounge to escort you back to your seats. Ron, Kevin, please wave! They are the ones standing by the doors. No, those aren’t chains to keep you inside. We like to think of those as Chunky Egress Bling. So trendy and beautiful! You want to be here because it is so important and informative. (more…)

The White House Holiday Party Playlist
December 12, 2017

“Colludin’ Around The Christmas Tree”

“Tough On Crime King Wenceslas”

“I’m Dreaming Of A White Nation”

“O Cancel, All Ye Fake News”

“(There’s No Place Like) Mar-A-Lago For The Holidays (And Most Weekends)” (more…)

Gift Ideas Rejected from the 2017 Neiman Marcus Fantasy Gift List
December 11, 2017

Personalized Beer Excursion

Travel by city bus to your local Budweiser bottling plant. Take the tour. You will also take home one sample beer. From the gas station across the street.

Your Childhood Stuffed Pets for the Year + A Bottle of Febreeze

Each month, your mom will send one of your left-behind childhood toys. One bottle of Febreeze is included in the first shipment to eliminate basement smells. She’s going to do this anyway so be ready.

A Private Passport Photo Session With Bob (more…)

LA-Z- BOY & Armageddon
My Script For NCIS:LA Despite Having Never Seen An Episode Of It
Clamming Innocence
Forbes’ Top 30 Under 30k
At Least I Don’t Think There’s Anything Out There About Maru?
House Hunters Episode or Syfy Original Movie?
The Narcissist’s Guide to Getting Ready in the Morning
Free Blogging Sites to Show Your Parents You ARE a Published Writer
In Order To Tackle Campus Sexual Assault, The University Is Proud To Announce Our Ban On Female Alcohol Consumption
In Good Conscience, I Can No Longer Serve As The President’s Tickle Monster
The Diary of a Turkey
Look Out, Forbes. These Moderately Qualified 28 -Year-Olds are Gunning for Next Year’s 30 Under 30
Let’s Give Those Bastards A Reason For The Season
Bluff Your Way Through the Catalan Crisis Using Settlers of Catan
Your Favorite, Adorable Showbiz Dogs Were All Probably Racist

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