The Higgs Weldon
Earth on Heaven
By
March 6, 2015

You’ve all heard that phrase “Heaven on Earth.” Well, as a resident of Heaven, I can say the converse is true up here – “Earth on Heaven.” I can only assume that makes little sense to you so let me explain. Whenever someone with a cool job (e.g. sports, entertainment) dies, people still on Earth say stuff like, “[the deceased musician] is playing in God’s band now,” “[that dead comedian] is up there in Heaven killing it in God’s comedy club” or “[the ex-NFL star] is starting on God’s football team.”

Well, let me tell you, those things are all true. God does have a band, a comedy club and sports leagues. But, here’s the crappy part for those of us who didn’t have cool jobs on Earth – God really does expect you to do the same job you did on Earth in Heaven. So, I say, “Earth on Heaven,” because on Earth I was a customer service representative, and now, guess what? I’m working in God’s freaking customer service department! Heaven? Hardly.  (more…)

Sexy Pikachu’s Livejournal, Part 1
By
March 5, 2015

1 (more…)

Ways to Skin a Cat
By
March 4, 2015

Cut off its skin with a knife.

Cut off its skin with two knives (one in each hand).

Cut off its skin with a potato peeler (NOT the preferred option).

Wait backstage at a production of the musical Cats. Skin a member of the cast. This is a good starter skinning before you try to skin an actual cat.

Buy the cat’s skin off its back. Works best if you are an obnoxiously wealthy person and the cat is at rock bottom.

Steal a cat’s skin from its locker at the gym. (more…)

Farewell from a Charter School Kindergarten Teacher
By
March 3, 2015

Dear, dear Skye,

I want to thank you for your essay, “Why I Want To Be a Fire Truck.” Truly, this was among the greatest papers ever to grace the halls of Clarkson Leadership Academy Prep and will inevitably join our pantheon of Very Special Essays.

You should be congratulated on your sense of stewardship. That you would risk your entire personhood to squelch mighty infernos only corroborates the vision and bravery I see day-to-day when you build your Lego towers to astonishing and dangerous heights.

To see such a young boy completely unafraid to transcend the metaphysical realm into a state of pure unconsciousness and abject humanity in favor of an existence of simple utility and predetermined purpose is a marvel to behold. In this, I believe you have conquered death for all time, which is a big accomplishment for someone your age. (more…)

Your Favorite TV Shows As I Understand Them
The Higgs Weldon Live March Edition
5 Signs the Cute Guy You Met at the Bar Is Actually Your Cousin
A Church Sign Writer Submits His 2-Week Notice to His Protégé
Making the Bat Most-vah of Your Bat Mitzvah
A Friendly Reminder
My Unused Academy Award Acceptance Speech
Who’s Glad They’re Wearing Shoes?
Butter Your Coffee, Change Your Life
Important Staff Memo
The Internet’s One Million Dollar Thread Killer
Honored to Be Heather’s Maid… of Honor
10 Jobs That Won’t Exist in 10 Years
My GPS Sounds Like My Freshman Year Roommate
So I Caught a Rattlesnake with My Bare Hands, Now What?

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