The Higgs Weldon
Alternative Names For “Happy Hour”
By
December 8, 2016

1480817541_cocktailAlleviate Your Misery Hour

Wallow in Existential Despair Hour

Forced Merriment with Colleagues Hour

Waste of Time Hour

I Can Only Have One Drink, and It Takes Three to Make Me “HappyHour

Dammit, I Am Super Happy Hour

Half Priced Awful Drinks Hour

Calculating How Pissed Off People Will Be at Me Hour (more…)

Neil deGrasse Tyson Fixes More Science Fiction Movies
By
December 7, 2016

1480817328_15_14_galaxy_spaceship_universe_invasion_alien_solar_system_rocketZombie Twilight

A zombie walks into the school lunchroom. In 2:06 minutes the roaches and maggots have consumed 98.4% of the decayed flesh; the rest is removed by a combination of ants and a mop.

Alien Encounter

An alien spacecraft arrives. A robot scoops a soil sample, performs a spectroscopic analysis, and just after sending a report back is smashed by drunks on their way home from a sports bar in Philadelphia on a Friday night. The soil analysis takes 300,210 years to reach the planet of origin. By that point the original civilization is dead and the new inhabitants think the message is a threat and plan an attack. When they arrive 600,420 years after the original landing, the sports bar is closed.

Doctor Who Meets George Washington

This cannot happen. (more…)

I Fear My Cow Is No Longer Organic
By
December 6, 2016

cow-1721645_1280

Dear U.S. Department of Agriculture,

I write to you with growing concern. My only cow may no longer qualify as organic. I’m unsure of the parameters with which you measure a cow’s organicity. Below, please find several events that I worry may have sacrificed my cow’s purity:

My cow ate a Hot Wheel. I do not know how my cow came to be in possession of a Hot Wheel, only that said Hot Wheel now resides in one of his four stomachs. I am unsure of the make and model of the car, but I could obtain this information if it is deemed pertinent. (more…)

Holiday Gift Guide For The Man Who Either Has Everything, or is Emotionally Unavailable, It’s Hard to Say. Honestly Stephen, What Do You Even Like?
By
December 5, 2016

1480816933_gift-presentDo you like books, Stephen? What kinds of books? We never talk about ideas, do we? I’ll get you a set of six different literature inspired colognes, in a gift box that looks like an old book. Maybe that will make you smile.

Sometimes I feel as if you’d have an easier time functioning without cold brew coffee for one day than functioning without me for the rest of your earthly life. Perhaps if gave you with home brewing carafe, your would think of me while pouring it, eyes focused on some distant point out the window, into the “World’s Best Husband” mug I gave you when we first moved in

Beard oil? (more…)

Some of the Penalties Incurred During My Family’s Annual Thanksgiving Turkey Bowl
Writer’s Workshop Bootcamp Week 7
On the Judgement of Turkeys, A Review of New Restaurant TRKYC
Other People Who Should Be Booed If They Attend ‘Hamilton’
The Advisability of Providing a Redundancy Package for Number Eight
Happy Thanksgiving From The Higgs Weldon!
Neutral Conversation Topics to Avoid Talking Politics With Your Conservative Relatives at Thanksgiving Dinner
Monster Pie
Thanksgiving Twenty Sixteen
The Cheese-Lover’s Dilemma
Concerned Citizens Who Saw Something And Said Something
10 Things to Bring to the Movies
Daily Affirmations That Don’t Require You to Grow or Change
A Once In A Lifetime Opportunity With Me: A Famous Celebrity
8 Things I Have Said to Men to Remind Them That We Should be in Love

my goal for the rest of the year is to watch westworld on repeat and speak to literally no one

Chase Bernstein
(@Chase__Chase)

My friend says I should get an electric car? How am I supposed to kill myself with that!? Drive it into a swimming pool!? NO THANK YOU!

Miles K
(@NotMilesK)

I’m in San Francisco right now selling t-shirts that say “Haighters Gonna Haight.” People are making fun of me!! Was this a mistake??

Asterios Kokkinos
(@asterios)

moreoneliners2
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