My name is Finn Straley. I grew up without television. I’m not trying to brag, that’s just what happened. We had a television, but we didn’t have television. We didn’t have cable or even any of the basic channels. This means I didn’t see a lot of the same shows as other people. I still heard people talk a lot about those shows, even though I never actually saw them. As far as I can tell, here is what those shows are about.
Boy Meets World
So there is a little kid, and he grows up all the way through college. He has the same teacher forever, who I think is played by the guy who played Thomas Jefferson in the musical version of 1776. He has a girlfriend, but not the same one the entire time. Maybe he does? I think this show basically Boyhood? (more…)The Higgs Weldon Live March Edition
More details here!5 Signs the Cute Guy You Met at the Bar Is Actually Your Cousin
1. He keeps calling you “cuz.”
Of course, he could just be a huge fan of early 90s street lingo. But to play it on the safe side, avoid any potential bedmate who uses such a familial term of endearment.
2. Before you went to the bar, he was at your family’s house for dinner.
So he took you out for dinner before signing you up for a free trial of his NetDicks account? He’s a keeper. But if that restaurant was your parent’s dining room table, he might not be the best choice.
3. He already has naked pics of you together.
In a bathtub, when you were both four! Why does he have that? He might say that “Aunt Janet” snapped this pic of a “cute moment,” but you go right ahead and tell him that Aunt Janet is a weird name for a child porn director. (more…)A Church Sign Writer Submits His 2-Week Notice to His Protégé
Verily, you were my dearest friend. In sadness I write you announcing that my time to leave the church has come. Last night, in slumber, I stood upon the sand of the sea, and saw a beast rise up out of the sea, having seven heads and ten horns, and upon his horns ten crowns, and upon his heads the name of blasphemy. I fear this monster has appeared to me as a sign from our Lord and mighty savior that I have not done my best to represent Him in my crafting of church sign text—and for this reason I must go.
It’s just gotten so hard—you know? Honest terror used to be enough to get people through the door. Remember when Father James warned Evelyn about filing her taxes incorrectly? And she was struck by lightning as she left the 11 a.m. Sunday Coffee and Crucifixion get-together? Those were the golden days, Mark. It feels like it hasn’t rained in ages. (more…)Making the Bat Most-vah of Your Bat Mitzvah
If I’m a hunter and I become the hunted, please tell me. I’d really like to change my outfit.
Sometimes when I’m at a bar I like to order a shrimp cocktail, hold the cocktail bc I actually just want some shrimp.
I like you, but I don’t “Like you on Facebook.”