The Higgs Weldon
I Think Our Safe Word is Too Long
By
August 5, 2015

ballgag

Honey,

Firstly I want to say how much I love you and our relationship which has developed into you being a dominant and me being a submissive. It’s made me feel closer to you than I ever have before, and I want to keep exploring our relationship in these roles. That being said, I think our safe word might be a little too long.

I understand that safe words shouldn’t be something you could accidentally say. They should be something you very consciously have to choose to say, but “otorhinolaryngologist” is not working for me. I can barely get the word out before my testicles are twisted four times over, your heel pressing into them. I honestly don’t even really know how to say it, and you’re no help with that either. You act like it’s not a hard word to grasp. (more…)

A Taxonomy of Common Birds of Los Angeles, Objectively Ranked from Best to Worst According to My Personal Preferences
By
August 4, 2015

Brunch Birds
AKA Chubby lil Chirp Chirps
AKA Sparrows

Add a real ambience to brunch

Reaction if one landed on your person: Feel like a Disney princess
Huggability rating: 9

Boats
AKA Boats
AKA  Duck Boats

Float like boats, don’t absorb water like boats, love breadcrumbs like boats, quack like boats
Sometimes they look like they’re in little couples on little lake dates (more…)

The World Genie Council’s Press Release On No Longer Accepting a Wish for More Wishes
By
August 3, 2015

genie
After deliberating for months and considering this issue for years, The World Genie Council (hereinafter “WGC”) has decided that heretofore genies will no longer accept a request for additional wishes as a valid wish for one or more of the three originally granted wishes. That is, no one who is granted three wishes by a genie can use one or more of those three wishes to wish for more wishes.

After empirically studying the data as well as gathering centuries of anecdotal evidence, it has become clear that the most common first wish for a wishee is for mass sums of money, the most common second wish is to have sex with someone very attractive and often famous and the third most common wish is for some number of more wishes, usually a million more wishes and often a gajillion more wishes or infinity more wishes. The WGC is not making this up. There is plenty of data to support the above contention. In fact, the second most common first wish is for additional wishes.   (more…)

The Higgs Weldon Live: August Edition
By
July 31, 2015

hwliveaugust15fb

Our live show returns Saturday, August 1 at the Neon Venus Art Theater! Come check out some hot new comedy bits from some of your favorite Higgs Weldon writers…

Miles K
Devin Field
Logan Guntzelman
Finn Straley
Sam Wiles

With hosts Robin Higgins & Paige Weldon

Saturday, August 1 at 9:30pm
7023 Melrose Ave. Los Angeles, CA

See you there!

Ice Cream Flavors for Zombies
Who Said It: A Dedicated Sports Fan or an Avid Conspiracy Theorist
Morals I’ve Learned From Disney Movies
Small Business Advice: Customers
Vegan Food Journal
Hot Trends Only Kids of the 2010s Will Remember
Rules for Jazz Etiquette
Shark Season PSA
Being a Superhero in this Utopia Sucks
Summer of Bummer: 13 Reasons to Justify the Title of this Article Which I was Pretty Stoked to Come Up With
Vincent van Gogh’s Diary Entry from the Day After He Cut off His Ear
The Casablanca Drinking Game
If High School Were Reviewed Like A Movie
How to Buy a Cup of Coffee at Panera
The Dad Jones Index

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