The Higgs Weldon
Is It Too Late to Submit My United Jokes?
April 28, 2017


To whom it may concern,

Hey dude. I mean sir. I assume it’s sir, but apologies if this is presumptuous. I guess I should have just stuck with dude. Anyways, I have a few United Airlines jokes I’d like to submit for your consideration. I don’t think it’s too late for that, do you? Maybe it won’t matter once you see them.

But before we get to the jokes, I think I need to qualify why they’re late. I was actually on that United flight. No, I was not forcibly removed, though I was secretly hoping I might be. It would have made these jokes a lot better. Not that they’re bad! Please, don’t think that. At any rate, I didn’t have time to submit when the topic was hot. You don’t know how stomping mad this made me. You can ask the flight attendant. I don’t remember her name, but if I ever do, you can ask her. (more…)

Say No To King Tutankhamun! #NotMyPharaoh
April 27, 2017


People of Egypt, hear me! Our new ruler is not fit to sit upon the throne! This senseless tradition of familial ascension must be brought to its rightful end! No more shall our rulers be determined by their bloodline and collective assets that place them in the top 1% of the top 1% off all Egyptians! This is not what a system of government based on the rules of the goddess Ma’at looks like! Say no to King Tutankhamun! And don’t forget to use the hieroglyph hashtag #NotMyPharaoh

A sub-10 year old holding dominion over the most powerful empire on Earth should strike fear into your hearts, for not only is this toddler unable to take a river bath alone, but he also happens to have a mother who doubles as his aunt. I realize this has been labeled as a rumor, but I have a friend who knows a weaver who knows a merchant who knows a scribe who knows a priest who knows a nobleman who knows his wet nurse Maia, so it’s legit. (more…)

Trump’s First 100 Days: An Alternative Look Back
April 26, 2017

The first 100 days of any administration has always been a random, arbitrary mile marker for the U.S. president’s since Franklin Roosevelt hit the ground running (so to speak). Well, let’s give a side glance to the early days of the Trump Administration: 

The oath of office was made with his right hand on a copy of “The Art of the Deal.”

A huge sigh of relief when he got get beyond the “I, Donald J. Trump” part of the oath of office.

The first recorded use of the word “bigly” in an inauguration speech.

The commission of the coal-powered Air Force One.

Executive order cancelling Taco Tuesdays.  However, “Wednesday is Sundae” was expanded into Thursday. (more…)

The Game of Cat
April 25, 2017



To kill as much backyard wildlife as possible in 24 hours. The first player to acquire 100 points’ worth of carcass wins.


As with any game of strategy, you will first and foremost need your wits and cunning. Players will rely heavily on their instincts, night vision, God-given stealth, and predatory drive. Particularly overweight players may find themselves at a disadvantage when climbing trees or squeezing through fences, however, all body types can have fun playing The Game of Cat. (more…)

Sign Up Now For My Karate School Correspondence Class
If I See Ricky’s Ex, I Will Kill That Bitch
When The Time Travelers Arrive
Tristan’s Mom Helen is Running for PTA President
Boss Baby: United Airlines CEO
Jokes for Children (Not Really) Part 2
Adult Basketball
What Your Eye Color Says About You
An Open Letter To The Person Who Tried To Start A Clap At The Rock Concert
Seriously, No Joke, This Is A Message In A Bottle
5 Stories Even Shorter and Better Than Hemingway’s
The Times Sherlock Holmes Ruined Watson’s Relationships
As a 4-Year-Old, I’m Pretty Damn Sick of Hearing You Use the Phrase “As a Mother…”
10 Tips for Eating BBQ Ribs at Work
Diana Prince: Queen of the Amazons, Wonder Woman, Copywriter

If I had to pick which character from “Friends” I am I’d pick the fountain from the opening credits.

Raj Desai

At least 75% of a relationship is waiting to eat with the other person

Paige Weldon

If you call your ex boyfriend or girlfriend “my ex” I know you really hate them.

Paige Weldon

Want to be our best friend?
Donate to The HW!

Ghost Free Ghost Stories
by Emily Faye


by Sam Wiles


Kokkinos Has Spoke-inos
by Asterios Kokkinos


Little Known Facts
About Alaska
by Finn Straley



by Tony Alfieri


with Allegra Ringo


Arugula, Of Course
by Nevin Sharma


by Diana Dulek



by Vince Caldera


Life with Luchy
by Lucia Fasano



Songs are Sad and Unacceptable
by Rob Schultz



Higgin’ with Mr. Robin
by Robin Higgins


If It Had Been Me
by Miles K


Adam’s Book of Spells
by Adam Allgood



Man of Letters
by Raj Desai


facebookfooter twitterfooter tumblrfooter rssfooter

Sign up for our monthly email list!