The Higgs Weldon
Life, Love and Other Mysteries: The Children
July 23, 2014

zach parenting

Welcome to another enlightening edition of Life, Love & Other Mysteries. This month a lot of readers had questions about raising and rearing their children. I often get these sorts of questions with my having raised seventeen children with seven different women. Whether you’re Steve Martin in Cheaper By The Dozen (on DVD & Blu-ray) or Steve Buscemi, I think you’ll find something here to help you through the kaa-raaazy–as the kids say–world of parenting!

Hey Zach,

Like you, I am also the father of seventeen beautiful children and I love most of them very much. The problem is that I also like having fun with my friends and whistling at pretty ladies down at the bar. I’ve calculated it out and I have enough free time to properly raise four of these things. How do I choose which ones?

-Rick, Jacksonville (more…)

Wormhole Waterslide
July 22, 2014

You have been waiting the whole school year for this.

Opening day at Aqua Rage Water Park.

Not only that, but it’s the grand opening of the Wormhole Waterslide.

And you have the first spot in line.

You camped out all night just to be the first to go down the Wormhole.

Your friends stand behind you, rock hard with envy.

“Go on kid, you’re holding up the line!” (more…)

To All Employees
July 21, 2014
Illustration by Robin Higgins

Illustration by Robin Higgins

I would like to address certain rumors.

Yes, one of the test monkeys escaped. Yes, that test monkey freed a test baboon. Yes, that test baboon freed a test orangutan. And yes, that test orangutan freed a control gorilla. None of these things are in dispute.

No, the freed test animals had not been granted enhanced intelligence and the gift of speech by genetic augmentation. They did not form a loose coalition of hyper-intelligent creatures hell bent on vengeance against the world of man and its inherently cruel nature. They did not, in their haste to escape, accidentally release a xenomorphic specimen which proceeded to stalk human and beast alike. (more…)

Lukewarm Sex Tips
July 18, 2014

Women’s magazines are full of “hot sex tips,” and “moves to make him scream,” but you don’t always have the energy for all that. Where’s a gal to turn when she just wants to make her man say, “meh?” Here are some tepid tips that will leave you both moaning, “…sure,” served sizzling warmish at room temperature.

Illustration by Paige Weldon

Illustration by Paige Weldon

Roses, the flowers that have represented love and romance and passion since the beginning of time, are expensive. They’re just going to die anyways! A bouquet of drugstore carnations will do just fine. You may have to pull them out of a pot that says “World’s Best Teacher” on it, but at least they’re something. (more…)

The Cast of a SyFy Movie Go to the DMV
July 17, 2014

Intercom: Number 56, next available window please. 56, next available window.

Commander: This is taking forever. Scientist, update us.

Scientist: Let’s see: we’ve been here approximately forty-five minutes; I predict we’ll be here for another hour. At least.

Disposable Character: Oh, no. No, no, no.

Commander: Disposable Character, get a hold of yourself. What’s wrong with you?

Disposable Character:  It’s nothing, Sir. I just… I have to pee.

Arrogant Marine: (Incredulous) Oh my god. (more…)

Morning Stretches
July 16, 2014

If you’re like me, mornings are rough! I’ve found that a simple daily stretching routine helps me feel 110%. Here are some fun, easy and fun stretches to help you take on the day!

Illustration by Robin Higgins

Illustration by Robin Higgins

From a standing position, bend over and try to touch your toes. Freeze as soon as you feel any resistance. Hold until you think, “Close enough.”

Loosen your legs by using them to make the bed while you’re still in it. Stretch out your toes trying to tuck in the corners of your sheets with your feet. Once the bed is made, lie still for three to seven hours.

Roll your neck from side to side while staring out your window at the happy people starting their days. Stretch your mind wondering what they have that you don’t. (more…)

Some Cool Tattoos to Consider
July 15, 2014

Did you know that after the Lindbergh baby was kidnapped in 1932, some worried parents started tattooing their children so they could easily be identified? What a tastemaker that baby was!

One of the things the Lindbergh baby and I share is our lack of body art. But that doesn’t mean I don’t know what makes a good tattoo. So if you’re thinking of joining the post-Lindbergh baby craze, here are some cool tattoos I’ve selected for your consideration:

Tweety Bird (ankle) – This is the 1957 Ford Thunderbird of tattoos: timeless. If a picture is worth a thousand words, this little cartoon bird says more than your eHarmony profile ever could. Are you a breezy socialite with a tortured past, or a down-to-earth business associate who still makes time to laugh and love? With this tattoo, you’re both! Tweety Bird, like the musical CATS, is “NOW AND FOREVER.” (more…)

5 Dumb Questions for Norm Macdonald
July 14, 2014

When I was told I’d be interviewing hilarious comedian Norm Macdonald, I was going to prepare a series of challenging and thought-provoking questions about the evolution of humor over the past half-century, and whether he thinks satirists trivialize the news or play a crucial role in the political arena.

Faced with having to do light research, I opted to squander the opportunity and ask a series of dumb, hypothetical questions.

Illustration by Paige Weldon

Illustration by Paige Weldon

1. You have one of the funniest, most distinctive voices in comedy. It’s instantly recognizable. Let’s say you get a call from Pixar, because they want to build an animated movie around you and they think you deserve bigger royalty checks. What kind of character would you want to play?

I’d like to play a pig. I never liked Porky that much, and there hasn’t been a funny swine in a long time.  (more…)

Dunkin Donuts is actually just the result of Duncan Doughnuts’ mid-life crisis.

Maggie Henry

So “Sunday Bloody Sunday” isn’t about brunch?

Tom McDonald

It’s so hot, my thermometer just showed me a picture of Gerard Butler.

Julia Prescott

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Paige’s Guide to the Galaxy
by Paige Weldon


Foreign Correspondent
by Mark Mitchell


Adam’s Book of Spells
by Adam Allgood


by Devin Field


Dinner and a Movie
by Chase Bernstein


I Like It Anyway
by James Austin Johnson

Kokkinos Has Spoke-inos
by Asterios Kokkinos


“If my ex-wife was a Pokemon her type would be Poison.” –embittered old timey nerd comedian

Finn Straley

Don’t cry because it’s over; smile because everything you hate will inevitably die.

Taylor Carr

Any lizard can become a turtle with the right backpack.

Eileen Mary O’Connell

My skate style is heavily influenced by Etsy.

Finn Straley

At this point my laptop is just a really expensive plate.

Tyler Austin

Do you ever get sooo drunk cuz you’re like bathing in a giant’s cup of tea and he decides to take a sip?

Lucia Fasano

It’s my party, and I’ll cry if I want to, or fall asleep at nine if I want to, eat all the finger foods by myself in my room if I want to.

Taylor Carr

Hey baby, you a cicada? ‘Cause I only meet girls like you once every thirteen to seventeen years.

James Jackson

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