The Higgs Weldon
The Only Packing List You’ll Ever Need
May 30, 2016

This is the packing list that serves me well in all of my travels. I do not know why my fellow airplane passengers are always mad at me.

-my collection of bones

-eighteen 3 oz. Ziploc bags of pudding

-my novelty knife-shaped comb and comb cover

-2 flavors of toothpaste

-a pair of shoes

-a single spare left shoe

-an extra empty full-sized duffle bag (more…)

Amazon Reviews From Your Friend Who is Doing Fine, Thank You
May 27, 2016

First Class Cutlery Stainless Steel Fork

I bought this on the recommendation of my mother who told me that it would be a good way for me to start “acting like an adult,” but honestly I was unimpressed. I found that the fork did not always hold the food like I wanted. There were several occasions when I would try to pick up some food and it would fall off or slide around the plate. In comparison with using my hands, the fork is a largely inconvenient way to consume food.  However, since I’ve started using cutlery, my mother has stopped denying my existence. Overall, while I strongly dislike using the fork, I do enjoy being acknowledged by my loved ones and so will continue to use it when eating in front of people. Two stars. (more…)

My At-Home Waxing Experience
May 26, 2016

“Three…two…NOPE. I can’t do it,” I exclaim in tears as my fingers shakily grasp the green wax strip attached to my pubic area. “I don’t want to play anymore,” I sob, taking in the damage. It’s not good. The whole scene is a tragedy. 

I have been in the washroom for over an hour now, Carly Rae Jepson blaring from the speakers beside me. It seems fitting since half of my vagina is also covered in glitter from the DIY waxing kit I am currently trying out. I’m tempted to make fun of the design team behind this horrible idea when I get a flashback of myself grabbing the box in Walmart and uttering, “Oooo pretty,” under my breath.  This isn’t the first time my birdlike obsession with shiny objects has backfired. I suspect it’s also my reason for always being Team Edward. (more…)

Inner Monologue: 24 Hours Until The First Sex Party I Was Ever Invited To
May 25, 2016

24 HOURS OUT: Ew. You’re not going to a sex party. You barely go to parties, much less parties where they pass out anal beads like mini hot dogs.

22 HOURS OUT: Out of sight. Out of mind. Not thinking about the sex party. You’re not some depraved sex machine that can keep his cool in a sweaty room filled with raw, tender flesh. No way. You don’t even keep the lights on when you masturbate. Nope. No, that’s gross.

19 HOURS OUT: Even if you don’t go, it’s pretty cool to think you, Harris Mayersohn, got invited to a sex party! Look at you now! When people think group sex with strangers they don’t necessarily not think of you and that’s pretty great. You should Google the socially acceptable way to turn down a sex party invite. Don’t want to prevent yourself from any future invites. (more…)

On Hold Options for Your Company’s Support Team
True Life: My Parents Ran My Facebook Account for the First 5 Years of My Life, and Kept It a Secret from Me
My Interview with Patrick Stewart, Based on Stephen Marche’s Interview with Megan Fox
“Urinality” Test: Which Urinal You Use Says A Lot About Your Personality
Million Dollar Ideas with Grandpa
An Incomplete List of Dicey Situations I Could Get Out of by Executing a Perfect Backflip
An Excerpt from ‘Avocado Plus Toast = Avocado Toast: A Memoir’ by Simone Tass
Author Bios from an Ancient Lit Reading
Age-Appropriate Ways to Humiliate Yourself After 30
A Literal Idiot’s Guide to Classic Literature
3 Classic Grifts
The Higgs Weldon Live this Friday!
It Happens: You Got Insulted at the Water Cooler
What Your Engagement Photo Really Says About Your Relationship
List of Short Lists

Thought There Was an Issue with My Email Server, But Turns Out I’m Wildly Unpopular: A Memoir

Patrick Walczy

My strongest opinions are about fast food speciality menu items but sure, let me vote for who gets to be president.

Finn Straley

Sometimes as a pedestrian I feel like drivers don’t understand that I’m ready to die.

Paige Weldon

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