17th Century A.D.
Hmm. Okay, I’ve got my writing utensil. I’ve got plenty of parchment. Nobody else is home. Time to get crackin’ on this here letter. Wait, what am I doing again? Oh yeah, Mother said the town blacksmith was looking for an apprentice and was accepting letters from people stating their qualifications. She said I need to have the courier boy send this off by the end of the week? Okay, I’ve got time. Let’s see… What are the qualifications again? I think he said he wanted an able-bodied young man with some knowledge of tools? Man, I’m hungry. There’s no food, though. Yawn. I need to get more sleep. Not now, though. Gotta write this letter. Hey, this piece of parchment is a perfect square. Ha! That’s weird. If I fold it in half this way, I’ll have two equal-sized triangles. That’s kinda cool. Woah. I get four triangles if I fold it over again. Wait I need to be writing this letter. Ok so how do I start? Dear or Esteemed Blacksmith? Mister Blacksmith? (more…)Brought To You By…
A natural foods store. What a place to die. Back pressed up against the endcap, Joey strained to hear the rasping breath of the creature over the hum of the nearby freezers.
There was a creature in the store, that much was certain. It had wasted no time in consuming the staff and other patrons with its mandibles and squid-like beak. Only Joey remained. But was the creature moving toward him or away?
Exhaling deeply, Joey pivoted into the aisle. The creature was nowhere to be seen. It was a clear shot past the preservative-free frozen dinners, through the check out aisle, and out the front door. From the corner of his eye, Joey saw an explosion of movement mere yards away. He ran.
Moments later, the creature was upon him. (more…)
When Caitlin’s dad wouldn’t let her leave the house because she had all that fruit on her bottom.
When Gina’s dad freaked out because she was dating a blackberry yogurt.
When Athena embraced her Greek heritage and learned to be proud of her extra-thickness.
When that sexy, dangerous drifter rolled into town, and he turned out to be cottage cheese.
When the turf war developed between the Plastic Tops and its rival gang, the Flimsy Metals. (more…)Dear California Pizza Kitchen
Dear California Pizza Kitchen aka CPK aka IDK Who You Are Anymore,
Much like Richard (Nixon) thought he would never be forced to step down from the throne that was and still is the United States of America, I never thought I would be writing this letter; this is my Watergate.
There was a time when your barbecue chicken chopped salad was all I ever wanted… all I ever needed… it was as influential as NSYNC’s aptly-titled first album, NSYNC. A time when upon being seated, freshly baked slices of bread would be plopped down at the table accompanied by ROOM TEMPERATURE butter. A time when the root beer flowed as powerfully as Lil Kim’s verse on the hit track “Lady Marmalade.” Those were the good days. (more…)A Letter from the President of the Wenatchee Yachting Club to a Delinquent Member, Who Is a Baby
Genius is often mistaken for arrogance, especially in my case.
Imagine being dumb enough to be happy
If all your stories are about how the people around you are stupid here’s a thought: maybe you are stupid?