The Higgs Weldon
Text Translation Guide: Texts From Hell
October 31, 2014

Texting can be spooky, scary, terrifying stuff. But never fear, my fellow texters, iMessagers and SMSers, for this Halloween I’ve compiled the six most haunting text encounters, and translated them into terms we can all understand.

The Chilling “K.”

Eek! Did you feel that icy chill? This spooky single letter text roughly translates to “sure” with undertones of “I hate you.” My advice: spiral into a depression for at least three days. What could be more festive?

The Spooky “I love you.”

EGADS! This texter means business. But don’t be scared, for this is just a text, thereby rendering the word “love” meaningless. If someone says, “I love you,” to your face, go with a classic escape tactic and run, run, run away from your feelings!

The Dreaded “Do you want to go to a party on the west side?”

This text pal means you serious harm. Do not reply.

The Eerie Other-Person-Is-Typing Ellipsis

Augh! Three dots have never been so haunting. This encounter has a few possible meanings, listed below in descending order of scariness.

1. This person is about to send you one of the above texts.
2. This person forgot they were typing and navigated away from your text convo.
3. Your phone is haunted.

In any case, just wait a few moments to find out which it is, and know that you’re in my prayers.

The Grotesque Green Non-iMessage

JESUS! RUN! This is not a safe text space to inhabit. Look in the reverse-view camera and repeat, “I love my iPhone,” three times to be restored to safety.

The Ghostly No-Reply

I’ll be honest here. This encounter directly translates as, “You are a loser.” Happy Halloween, buddy. It’s not gonna be okay.

That’s all, folks! Stay safe out there this Hallow’s Eve and be sure to check back next month when we’ll discuss something entirely different, but equally important.


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!

The Higgs Weldon Live November
October 30, 2014


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Wolfman’s Night Out
By , and
October 29, 2014

What’s a werewolf to wear? Enjoy the first sketch from The Higgs Weldon!

Written by Raj Desai
Directed by Robin Higgins & Paige Weldon
Starring Finn Straley & Raj Desai
Make-up by Olya Tizer
Camera & Editing by Matthew Sordello

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David Foster Wallace Writes a Book for Toddlers
October 29, 2014


Here* is Sunny Bunny**!
He is funny(1)!
He knows that being true to yourself is more important than money†!

* SB was a firm believer in living in the here and now. As a young bunny he grew up in a very intense and neurotic home and though it no doubt had its effects on him for many years to come (for instance in his difficulty in making major decisions, see endnote 2), he did his best to exercise the Buddhist principles he was taught during his trip to the far east**.
** Another thing that SB learned in the far east was the liquidity of one’s identity and the harm in sticking too strongly to an artificial, technical detail such as a name.
† Same goes for money. (more…)

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