The Higgs Weldon
We Fell in Love in a Focus Group
February 12, 2016

I knew you were the one early on.

There we were, at a large boardroom table in a market research facility outside of Piscataway. Never on earth did I think this would happen here, in a focus group of legal professionals screened for thirteen career specialities and technology preferences. But this life was never one to go according to plan.

As the moderator made his way around the room, I heard you say you handled mostly Intellectual Property cases and that you used your smartphone or tablet twice a day for legal research purposes. That’s when I first felt something, this thing that I couldn’t explain. (more…)

Lesser-Known Get Rich Quick Schemes for Powerball Losers to Consider
February 11, 2016

If you’re reading this, odds are you probably didn’t win the Powerball lottery. Don’t be too sad, losers. Aside from stealing money and winning money, there are still a few ways to acquire quite a lot of money in a short amount of time:

Ask for lots of money. (Same thing as “Lean In?” I’m never 100% clear on what “lean in” means, so maybe!)

The other day I was at work (see my article “Get Rich Slowly-to-Possibly-Never” for more on this idea) when my coworker mentioned having a fruit roll-up in her lunchbox. When she was leaving, my other coworker, having noticed that the fruit roll-up went uneaten, asked if he could have it. She said yes! That could’ve been me eating the fruit roll-up! That could be any of us with Trump’s millions the next time we see him! We just need to ask. (more…)

I Held Soil In My Hands For Eight Straight Weeks, Here’s What Happened
February 10, 2016

Eight weeks ago I scooped some soil into the palms of my hands while I was on a hike. I decided to keep holding the soil for eight weeks.

Those eight weeks were some of the hardest of my life. I had to learn to sleep standing up while resting my arms on a short marble pillar in hopes of not spilling my soil.

My girlfriend had to feed me and I was not able to use my cell phone at all. Sorry for not texting back, Mom, haha.

Anyway, enough exposition. Here’s what happened:


I found some good soil. Scooped it up. (more…)

Three Brief Tales of Love
February 9, 2016

The Worm

As she gazed into his unresponsive, lifeless eyes that didn’t quite meet hers, her heart was aflutter.

“I love you,” she whispered.

“And I love you,” he said, ”But, my darling, I am just a parasitic worm that has infested and taken complete control of this man’s brain “

“And I’m an adult woman who thinks that frogs are just baby turtles. I know we have our differences, but we can make this work, I know we can.”

She embraced the commandeered body of her love, and five inches of his skinny green body slithered out of the right eye socket and planted a kiss with his minuscule protractible beak on her eyeball, depositing a pile of eggs into the cornea. (more…)

President Eisenhower’s Statement on Opposite Day
Napoleon Talking About Trying to Conquer Russia in the Winter or My Dad Complaining About Shoveling the Driveway?
The Walking Shame
Hey, Sup Guys
This Year, I’m Getting on Fucking Shark Tank
Get to Know You Games
The Higgs Weldon Live is Back!
I Left My Umbrella on the Other Side of This Intergalactic Portal and I’d Really Like to Get It Back
Depression Says What
An Incomplete List Of Ted Cruz’s Ultimate Fantasies
The First Vegetarian Tries to Explain Sarcasm
The Local Weatherman Has Been Staying At My House For 2 Months and Won’t Leave
Side Gigs
10 Types of Articles Millennials Like to Read

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