The Higgs Weldon
Quick Question For A Fitness Professional
By
February 23, 2017

1487587864_vehicles-06You’re the instructor? I’ve never taken a spin class before so I just have a quick question for you, before we get started. Do you think it’s okay to wear makeup in spin class? Because I’ve heard that when you sweat this much your pores just open up and suck that sticky foundation and residual dirt right into your skin. And that is the primary cause of adult onset acne. Your face can essentially become a cesspool of germs. Have you encountered that in your professional fitness life: a cesspool of germs coagulating on your face?

And now that I think about it, I had a friend mention to me that it’s bad to wear your hair in a ponytail for cycling classes. Apparently the fast-paced nature of this kind of exercise can cause your hair tie to literally pull your hair out and increase hair loss over time. Have you noticed that? Are you finding that chunks of your hair are falling out resulting in unseemly bald patches? I’m allergic to most wigs so hair loss is a real concern for me, as you clearly understand. (more…)

Dad Seeks Friend to Appreciate His References to Song Lyrics and Indulge His Persistent Reflections on the Meaninglessness of Human Existence
By
February 22, 2017
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Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids, but I’m sick of wasting my best material on them and I’m sick of their sunny outlook on life and general interest in things. Every day is the same story. They come running into my bedroom at 6:30 in the morning and start bouncing on my bed while I’m trying to sleep. I wake up just enough to shout, “Dudes! Chill out. You weren’t supposed to wake me up until September ends!” And, nothing. No response. Except maybe my four-year-old will put on his confused puppy dog face and say “What?”

Just kill me now. I need a friend. A dad friend. All I need is a grown-up that I can text my blazing hot observations about daily life in the form of song lyrics from semi-popular songs. Sure, key context might be lost over text message, but I don’t really care. Life is pointless anyway. (more…)

Agony Niece: An Advice Column
By
February 21, 2017

Hi, my name is Jamie Loftus and this is an advice column I am writing because I was instructed to do so. Here’s a first piece of advice: don’t take orders. Here’s a second piece of advice: if someone is offering you a reasonable sum of money to take orders and you don’t think their politics or hygiene are particularly threatening, sometimes take orders. Here’s a third piece of advice: 69’ing is for high schoolers.

Like science and the study of psychology, advice columns have historically provided a service that no one needs or asks for by people in ugly clothing. The professionals providing the service became known as the ‘agony aunt,’ a term that would often be conflated with ‘aunt in agony,’ leading to an epidemic of preventable aunt-related deaths in the late 70s and early 80s. As I continue to follow the trail first blazed by emotionally unstable sisters, one may ask what qualifies me, a young woman trying to have it all and raise an emotionally unstable hamster in a time of political unrest, to tell you how to live your life? (more…)

Back at the Improv Lab – Tickets on sale now!
By
February 20, 2017

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Don’t miss the next installment of our live show in Los Angeles! Featuring…

Monika Scott
Emily Faye
Zach Pugh
Katie Vallely
Ian Carr

Tickets available here!

My Brother’s Ghost
You Think You’ve Got It Hard? Meet the 3-Legged-Dog I Sent To Buy Me Beer
5 Hot Hairstyles That Will Change Your Life in 2017
Actually, Snakes Are More Afraid of What They Could Do to You Than You Are of Them
I Have Been Engaged For 24 Hours: Here Are The Answers To All Your Questions
Cyrano de Dating App
How Come My Imaginary Friend Blimpychimp Won’t Fuck Me?
The People In The Town
Letter To Whomever Stole My Bike
America’s Top Spin Instructors (Who Are Definitely NOT Trapped In Spandex)
The Ocean Front Property I Purchased In Montana Appears To Be A Hoax
My Apologies
In Our Time of Need, A Zmail to the Cast of Zoom
A Scene from TombMates, a Sitcom About a Mummy & a Vampire Sharing an Apartment
How to Live Vicariously Through Your Genderqueer Child

Some people pull out their eyelashes from stress, I do it because I like to be in full control of my wishes.

Lesley Hennen
(@LesleyHennen)

When my boyfriend is annoying I imagine myself wrapping him up in a blanket and leaving him in front of a fire station

Perri Gross
(@perri_is_gross)

We built this suburb on adult-oriented Top 40.

M.E. Lerman
(@NuGodOfHellFire)

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